Random Thoughts

Introducing Robin from Merrimack. Robin is going to be at the Beach Bowl next Tuesday are you? PS for all you smokeshows out there nothing will get you to the front of the line faster than saying you're coming to the Beach Bowl.

Send smokeshows in. Help us out. Make us look good. Keep everybody happy. Send nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

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You have no idea how much it would make my day if this ever happened to one of the jerkoffs I get stuck behind every day on my way work. These self-serious fitness freaks with their bikes that cost more than my car with their spandex suits that cost more than the contents of my closet and are so tight you can tell what religion they are. And making me dodge them while I'm paying four flippin' bucks a gallon for use of the flippin' road. Hope you're lucky enough to land on your $700 helmet, Roadkill.

But I'm not bitter. To quote Oscar Wilde, "It would take a heart of stone not to laugh." The only thing that would make it funnier is Benny Hill music.

A few weeks back we brought you the story of the old coot who got pinched for OUI for riding drunk on a motorized cooler. Which seemed kind of odd since you'd think that's why the goddamned things were invented, but what do I know? Well today we've been blessed with dueling stories from opposite sides of the globe, both involving other drunks getting collared on other... um... non-traditonal "vehicles":

NORTH POLE, Alaska (AP) - Alaska State Troopers used lights and sirens to apprehend a North Pole man suspected of driving under the influence after he allegedly led them on a slow-speed chase that covered several lawns. The 20-year-old man was on a riding mower. Sunday's pursuit lasted about 200 feet and reached speeds of up to 5 mph before a trooper got out of a cruiser and told the man to stop. Troopers received a call early Sunday complaining of an intoxicated man driving a mower. They said Wyatt Lewis's blood-alcohol content was 0.18 percent, more than twice the legal limit of 0.08 percent.

And:

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Police in Australia have charged a man for drink driving in a motorized wheelchair after he was found to be six times over the legal alcohol limit, local media reported on Monday. Police in the tropical northern Queensland city of Cairns said the man had a blood alcohol reading of 0.31, and was so drunk he was asleep at the controls of his motorized wheelchair in a turning lane of a major highway.

So I guess the lesson we can glean from this is that you can't be on any kind of wheeled vehicle if you're over the limit. So you can scrap your plans to head home hammered on your skateboard, moped, power scooter, Big Wheel or shopping cart.

I have to say it's a tough call as to which dangerous criminal offender takes first place and which one finds out what the other's ass tastes like. But both are true rebellious criminal badasses in every sense of the word. Do you go with North Pole lawnmower man, who only blew a .18? Because I've done the math and at 5 MPH, a 200 foot chase lasts about an hour and a half I think. That's the stuff of "COPS." On the other hand, Aussie wheelchair guy blew him away with a .31, but he was literally asleep at the wheel(chair), so I don't think he was standing up to the Man as much as he'd just drunk himself legless.

I'm going with lawnmower man, since after all, what's the point of having a lawnmower in North Pole, AK anyway if you're not using it get yourself home from the saloon. Besides, who's he going to hurt? Only two people live there and I highly doubt Santa or Superman are in danger of this guy's Lawn Boy. (Thanks to Jugbanger and Tim for the links.)

So who's the biggest badass? Vote "1" for lawnmower, "10" for wheelchair

Click Here For the Answer

Linda Cardellini turns 35 today. Something about this chick just speaks to me, and I've figured out what it is: her looks. Actually it's her looks plus the hot nerd girl vibe she's been giving off since "Freaks and Geeks." Back when I was watching Scooby Doo cartoons if someone told me someday they'd make a Scooby movie with real actors and the girl who played Velma would be hotter than Daphne, even though Daphne was played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, I wouldn't have believed it. (Still, it would've been better than what someone actually DID tell me, which was "Quit watching that stupid cartoon and go out and get a job; you're a grown man fercrissakes." But I digress.) I think I'm just predisposed to nerd girls (or chicks who play them on TV) because subliminally you think you might have a chance with them. Anyway, click here for more pictures of Linda plus one man's short list of hot celebrity nerdettes...

Birmingham- Authorities say a former Clay-Chalkville Middle School teacher had sexual relationships with at least eight male high school students ages 15 to 19 between February and April. Julie Pritchett, 34, is charged with two counts of second-degree sodomy and one count of second-degree sexual abuse in the cases of two boys under 16. The victims in the cases with which she is charged are under the age of consent.

Charges are not being brought in the other identified incidents because the boys are of consenting age or unwilling to cooperate with authorities.. There could be other boys who have been involved with Pritchett that they are not aware of.

Sheriff's investigators identified eight male students who attend Clay-Chalkville High School with whom Pritchett is alleged to have had sexual relations. Pritchett was the sponsor for the high school's Diamond Dolls, the hostesses for the baseball team. It was through that position that she came into contact with some of her former students who were involved in the high school sports program... Pritchett started a sexual relationship with a 15-year-old former student. That relationship led to sex acts with his friends. The sex acts were initiated by Pritchett, who used several methods of approaching the boys... Some of the acts took place on the school's campus and others at the homes of the victims.

Julie Pritchett is your classic overachiever. You look at her and she doesn't seem to be anything special; just your garden-variety twisted teacher with an eye for virgin students who'll be lucky to seduce even one of them. But here she is with eight under her belt (literally). She's the kind of Sex Scandal Teacher the scouts overlook because she doesn't have the body type they look for, but all she does is produce. She's the Dustin Pedroia of depraved educators.

Also, you've got to love the kids who wouldn't cooperate with the cops. I'd hate to be the kid who spilled the beans once the next kid on the list... the one Julie never got to, probably some utility infielder or 4th outfielder... finds out who ruined it for him.

The Grades:
Looks: Dan Koppen in a Kathy Griffin wig. Grade: D.
Moral Compass/Bad Judgement: To the best of our knowledge, Julie is the current record holder with eight confirmed seductions. And possibly more before her career numbers are tallied up. Grade: A+.
Intangibles: Diamond Dolls? Awesome. But she was also a sponsor of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes club. Grade: A+.
Overall: B. Too bad you can't coach looks. (Thanks to Eric.)

NEW YORK (CBS) ― A dwarf charged with prostituting an underage runaway will appear in Kings County Supreme Court on Monday. Jacqueline Green, a.k.a. 'Shorty,' due to her 3 foot 9 inch height, is charged with promoting prostitution and child endangerment for allegedly pimping a 15-year-old that ran away from a troubled home. According to published reports, Green is accused of using her Bedford-Stuyvesant apartment as a sex pad for clients who paid $250 per half-hour for intercourse, and $100 per half-hour of oral sex.  Clients were found using Craigslist.  Green, 26, pleaded not guilty to all charges. The teenage girl was returned to her family. It is not clear how the two met.  Neighbors at Green's Brooklyn housing project were not surprised by the arrest, where she was described as a "hustler," and a "player."

Wait a minute.  Why was the midget called “Shorty” again?  Ohhhh, because she’s 3 foot 9.   Now I get it.    Anyway call me crazy but I think midgets should be allowed to do whatever they want.    Listen I’ve watched Little People Big World. You think it's easy to be a hustler and a player when you’re only 3 foot 9.    Hell no!  So I say if midgets can be successful at pimping or at anything else in life for that matter than God Bless.  

Bullying among adolescents has captured the attention of researchers, educators and parents alarmed by a parade of mean girls and cyber-bullies caught in mid-punch on viral video. But such aggression may not just happen in a whirl of adolescent hormones, some in the growing anti-bully movement argue. Some older bullies were "Barbie brats" first.

Meline Kevorkian, a Fort Lauderdale, Fla., researcher and public speaker on bullying, surveyed 167 educators last year and 25 percent indicated bullying occurs most in elementary schools. Research also indicates that three-quarters of 8- to 11-year-olds report they've been bullied, with more than half identifying it as a "big" problem, Kevorkian said. "It could be you wear the wrong shoes or the wrong socks. If you didn't go to the Hannah Montana concert. Your lunch smells. You can't wear certain bows in your hair," she said. "It's not that the victims are all going to grow up and shoot kids in their high school, but it's the message that making fun of people will make you popular."

I'm assuming that "researcher" Meline Kevorkian (nice name) is another one of these worthless social scientists that has her doctorate in Stuff Everybody Already Knows Studies. My question to her, or to the mom in this article who complains that her 9 year old is small for his age so he "often struggles for equal time during playground baseball and basketball games" and that "It's almost like a smaller version of an adult world that he's dealing with" is: Where the hell did you grow up? Where is this idyllic world where childhood is all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows? Where no one picks on anyone else and life is a playground where everyone shares the monkey bars equally and happily makes sure everyone gets a turn on the slide without being told? Where you become popular by being nice to everyone? I think the entire population of this paradise all grew up to be child behavior experts, because the rest of us never visited that place.

If these pedantic know-it-alls weren't so caught up in trying to make it so nothing bad ever happened to their precious little snowflakes, they'd see what the rest of us already know: that kids giving other kids crap is one of the great stabilizing influences in society. It's kids policing themselves, like fighting in the NHL. If it wasn't for bullying, kids would be showing up to school with the wrong socks and smelly lunches. If every kid with no athletic talent got to play pickup basketball, the games would suck. And if kids didn't learn at an early age that making fun of people makes you popular, blogs like Barstool would never exist.

I'm gone till mid Friday at the earliest. Hitting the cape for a little break. So don't even bother bashing me till Monday. Although I will have my computer so I may still blog unless the First Lady throws it in the ocean. Anyway, Manzo and Jerry will be running the show so turn your fangs on them.

This video from Karma Loop probably does the best job I've seen capturing what a parade is really like lately in Boston. It's basically a bunch of young dudes and guys with grillz getting shitfaced. Sure that's a drastic generalization but I think it's pretty much dead on.

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