Random Thoughts

Introducing Beatrice. Hey remember yesterday when I said that our Smokeshow of the Day feature couldn't exist without reader nominations. Well this is the only one I got after that speech. So enjoy. Yeah I have girls I could post, but it's just the point of the whole thing. The Stoolies are getting lazy. As a reminder reading Barstool Sports is not a right. It's a fucking privilege and everybody needs to do their part. So sign up for TVG (I'm up a dime so far) and send us some smokeshow nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Seattlepi.com - For months, a Boston-area woman thought she was dating a Sonics front-office employee and former NBA player named Jeff Turner, a handsome, 6-foot-8 40-something who was polite, compassionate and respectful. She thought she had scored a figurative slam-dunk in the Internet dating game. But when the man she was falling for suddenly left his Somerville, Mass., home and stayed away for three weeks, the woman became suspicious. A Google search helped her discover that this man was not Jeff Turner, but a habitual impostor who had been posing as a Sonics employee for the past several months.

"I am going to be honest with you. I don't work for them," the man who posed as Turner said from his home in Somerville, a Boston suburb, when reached by the Seattle P-I on Monday. "(The situation was) all brought on by an online dating thing. Craigslist. I lied to her. Does that mean I can go out there and represent the Sonics? No. Does that mean that I did it to get some (sex)? Absolutely." "This wasn't meant to be (anything negative) toward the Sonics," said Craven, who said he has three daughters, is separated from his wife and works in property management. "People get lied to all the time. Did I do anything illegal against the Sonics? No. Did I go out and represent the Sonics in any fashion? I'm not actually proposing that I did that. Did I do this for the broad? Yes." "I'll admit, it was a hoax," Craven said Monday. "It was all a put-on. But somebody who I met on a dating site is trying to sabotage me. This is some broad that I lied to who said I did identity theft, (and) I am not going to know what hit me. There was no intimacy in the relationship. I never tapped her."

Ah the Internet giveth and the internet taketh away.     Yes you can meet chicks online but they can also google your ass when you lie to them.   I guess you live by the sword you die by the sword.  Regardless I kind of like Ronnie Craven’s stance on this.  People get lied to all the time.   What’s the big fucking deal?    It’s not even like he tapped that ass.   Bottom-line is that lies or no lies he put in months of time working this bitch and didn’t even get laid.   If anybody was the victim here it was him.    Ladies I think I speak for all of us when I say if you’re going to Google our ass do it after the first date not after two months of courtship.    It’s only fair don’t you think?

Tampabay10 - Tampa, Florida – A man who was banned from a racetrack for causing problems with customers has been arrested for watching the races from a homemade tree stand on private property next to the track, deputies said today. Raymond Rogers, 31, of Tampa is charged with felony trespassing and violation of probation. The sheriff's office said he was arrested Saturday night after he allegedly trespassed on private property and built a hunting tree stand in the woods to watch races at East Bay Raceway. Deputies said they found the suspect in the tree stand about 15 feet in the air. The property is owned by Mosaic Phosphate. Rogers told deputies he had been banned from the racetrack for causing problems with customers, and built the tree stand so he could still watch the races.

This guy may have just set the record for the world’s biggest degenerate.  Listen it’s one thing to build an illegal tree house to watch the races at Gulfstream, but at East Bay Raceway?   Are you kidding me?  And how was he placing his bets?    Don’t tell me he just enjoyed watching the horses without any action on it?    Maybe he was a bookie?  That’s the only thing that makes sense.  It would explain why he was hassling the customers in the first place and why he felt like he needed to watch the races from a tree house after he got the boot from the track. Bottomline is that he should have signed up for TVG.

SIGN UP FOR TVG!!!!

VS.

BOSTON HERALD -- You’d think these two camps might bond over their mutual love of unreal guitar fun, but bad blood is brewing. It seems air guitarists and “Guitar Hero” enthusiasts simply do not play well together.

“There is no rivalry between air guitar aficionados and the weaklings who play ‘Guitar Hero,’ ” sniffed returning Boston air guitar champ Erin McNally, who competes under the name McNallica. “They have a plastic toy with buttons. I can do so much more with my guitar than they can do. My high-note slaying solos - they can’t do that. They are limited in their rocking abilities.”

Members of the “Guitar Hero” and “Rock Band” game community were quick to return fire.

“We dig real stuff here,” responded Sean Baptiste, manager of community development at Harmonix. “We have real boyfriends and girlfriends. We don’t have to imagine them.”

Well you knew it was just a matter of time before these 2 groups of losers would clash.  It’s like Star Wars vs. Star Trek, Real World vs. Road Rules, and Republicans vs. Democrats.   What we have here though is a loser showdown that trumps all other loser showdowns:  Air Guitar vs. Guitar Hero.  Now right off the bat, the minute I picked up my first Guitar Hero a few months ago, I was a natural.  It took just 3 songs before I nailed “Sunshine of Your Love” like I was Eric freakin’ Clapton and called Guitar Hero "the greatest game since Double Dribble".  Granted I haven’t really played since but for that moment I was tremendous.  Air Guitar – eh, not so much.  For one, you don’t have a guitar.  “Hey, check this out - I just nailed Freebird!”   Huh?  It looked like you were playing “Crazy Train” to me…  For the record I actually think Air Drums is the way to go if you’re going to pretend to play an instrument but that’s another story.  Regardless, it’s not up to me to decide on who the bigger losers are.  

Vote 1 for Air Guitar, vote 10 for Guitar Hero.   Note: Girl in Air Guitar video is kind of hot.

Reader Email:

I heard a rumor that Kelly Barons might be the new Hazel Mae…..Who knows but she is hot so you may want to make a prediction or have a vote as to who you would want…….either that or I am bored.  Thanks

Kelly Barons is going to be the new Hazel Mae huh?    I’d be stunned if this was true, but it’s a great idea.  In fact after I watched her audition tape I picked up my phone and yelled “Get Me Barons” to nobody in particular.   Sure she blew me off a couple years ago at Game On!, but I ain’t mad at her.   I’d totally hire her ass if we had the money.    People love Kelly Barons. 

PS – Cue all the “My friend fucked Kelly Barons and she’s a freak in the sack” emails that we get every time we mention her name. 

In an interview this week, Lakers coach Phil Jackson called Bostonians "bedraggled," as in now that the Red Sox have won a couple of championships, we won't be so "bedraggled." Yeah, that pretty much sums us up. We're shabby, dirty, seedy little lowlifes, unlike the beautiful people whose perfect asses fill the seats along the Lakers' sidelines. We're Massholes. We admit it. But you know what we're not? Phonies. But we can spot one a mile away and Phil Jackson is as big as they come. A pseudo-intellectual, pop philosopher and faux genius whose greatest innovation, "The Triangle Offense," was never anything more than "get the ball to Michael/Shaq/Kobe and let him score."

But in Los Angeles, they respond to that BS. Out there if a guy of average intellegence tries to pass himself off as a deep thinker and a towering intellect, they hand him an Oscar, elect him governor or make him coach of the Lakers. In "Beantown" (Jackson's word, not mine) us "bedraggled" fans build a statue of a ooach who never completed a sentence that didn't contain the word "fuck." That's how we roll. So take the following quotes (all 100% authentic) and match them to the phony-intellectual, wanna-be philosopher who said it. The choices are:

A. Phil Jackson
B. A dumb Hollywood actor who tries to sound smart by espousing Zen Buddhism, or
C. Ty Webb from "Caddyshack"

1. "Love is the force that ignites the spirit and binds teams together."
2. "Trust your doubt. Always fight for your beliefs. That is the path beyond thought."
3. "Playing sports is orgasmic, instinctive. If you're going to be a good athlete, you cannot think.
4. "There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. All you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking. Let things happen and be the ball."
5. "Meditation is such a more substantial reality than what we normally take to be reality."
6. "In basketball -- as in life -- true joy comes from being fully present in each and every moment, not just when things are going your way."
7. " Find your center. Hear nothing. Feel nothing. Just relax. Find your center. Picture the shot. Picture it. Turn off all the sound. Just let it happen. Be the ball."
8. "There comes a point you have to throw yourself into the action and put your heart on the line. That means not only being brave, but being compassionate towards yourself, your teammates and your opponents."
9. "Try to find the path of least resistance and use it without harming others. Live with integrity and morality, not only with people but with all beings."
10. "In one physical model of the universe the shortest distance between two points is a straight line....in the opposite direction."
11. Basketball is a sport that involves the subtle interweaving of players at full speed to the point where they are thinking and moving as one.
12. "The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote 'A flute with no holes is not a flute. And a doughnut with no hole is a Danish.'"
13. "The philosophy that I've embraced isn't about sitting under a tree and studying my navel"
14. "The trick is to experience each moment with a clear mind and open heart. When you do that, the game - and life - will care of itself.
15. "Me winning isn't. You do. See your future. Be...your future. May...make it. Make your future."

To see the answers, click here...

Seriously how does this guy keep banging models? I mean he's not even that funny. Chris Farley carried him his whole career. Guy must have a tree trunk dick or something.

Last week we posted a video of a Fenway Security Guard assassinating some dude who ran onto the field and we heaped all sorts of praise on him. Well in today's video the security guys aren't nearly as impressive. I guess it's not as easy when the guy isn't slow and fat.

In the spirit of yesterday when our own El Presidente was featured on “hotchickswithdouchebags.com”, today brings us yet another douchebag-related question -- “Can a chick be a douchebag?”  Now I know the word “bitch” is traditionally used for this kind of woman but I have a good example of where I think “douchebag” would actually be the more appropriate term.  

We're playing softball the other day – completely legal, umpires were present, everyone was drunk, etc. when all of sudden “time” is called because some broad (not hot) decided the top of the 5th inning was a good time to walk her freaking dog across left field.   Naturally she just takes her sweet little time, gets heckled by yours truly and others in the process, then finally exits stage left and leaves us with this gem: “It’s a public field you know.  Anybody can use it.”  First of all we have a permit. But more importantly, what kind of person thinks it’s okay to walk their dog through left field and interrupt the game?  A douchebag, that’s who.  But it was a chick so I don’t know if that counts?  Hence, today’s question of the day.  Can a chick like the one I just described, and the one above for that matter, be considered a douchebag?    

Vote 1 for no – only dudes with blowouts can be called douchebags, vote 10 for yes, douchebags can be dudes with blowouts, as well as certain chicks.

Clearly the best one of these commericals is the Jo Jo White one. But the Vince Wilfork one is pretty good too. Dee Brown could use some work, but it's still it's a GREAT advertising campaign. The only thing I'd change is to make the slogan "You Got Fuckin Rondo'd. The "F word" always adds a little spice to shit like this. I'd totally buy a "You Got Fuckin Rondo'd" tshirt.

PS - If you go to Reebok.com/rondo you can download a free You Got Rondo'd ringtone which is I guess could be kind of cool for the Finals.

Vs.

Listen everybody knows that when they stop on a field or a court they risk getting hit in the head with the ball. It's just part of the game. But what's not part of the game is some dude trying to get all fancy on your ass and throwing some no look bull shit off your face. And that's exactly what happened in both cases here. I think I need to give the slight edge to the kid who did the flip. I mean anybody can throw a no look pass in pickup basketball. But it takes a special type of asshole to learn how to do the flip pass.

Vote 1 for hoops and 10 for soccer

HEROES actress HAYDEN PANETTIERE has criticised the U.S. for imposing strict age limits on teenagers - branding the legal drinking age of 21 as "ridiculous". The 18-year-old star insists she is much happier in Britain where the legal age limit on buying alcohol is 18 and she is able to get served in bars. Panettiere insists America's age restrictions are old-fashioned and in desperate need of reform. She says, "I can buy porn or kill someone in war but I can't have a glass of wine. If I could change one thing about America, it would be its ridiculous age limits on things.

Now ordinarily when some smug little Hollywood child of privilege dares to criticize the Good Ol' U. S. of A., I consider them to be fighting words. Time to put on the foil and kick their pinko asses back to France. But in this instance, I have to say I agree with Hayden here. Who the hell do we think we are, telling hot celebrity jailbait they can't drink legally? How's a sportsmut website writer supposed to seduce a barely legal starlet if he can't get her drunk? If Hayden wants porn, she wants firearms and she wants to get liquored up on Two-buck Chuck Merlot I think she's earned the right through the countless hours of TV entertainment and blogging fodder she's given the world. To deny her this is simply asking for her to break the law. When you outlaw 18 year old drinking, only 18 year old outlaws will drink.

Now if we can just do something about that age of consent law...

Boston.com - Starting New England Patriots offensive lineman Nicholas Kaczur was arrested in April on a charge of illegal possession of prescription painkillers and then secretly cooperated with the federal Drug Enforcement Administration in a sting operation that resulted in the indictment of his alleged drug supplier, according to a lawyer and two people briefed on the investigation. Kaczur - a 28-year-old, 315-pound offensive tackle - wore a hidden recording device during three different drug transactions in May at gas stations in Foxborough and North Attleborough and a supermarket parking lot in Sharon, according to the lawyer, the two people, and federal court documents. At each of the three transactions, Kaczur paid $3,900 in cash to buy 100 OxyContin pills, a potent prescription pain reliever.

Oh those wacky Canadians. This is one of those stories that I read from beginning to end and then I had to reread it to make sure I really read what I thought I just read.   I mean this is like the most bizarre story since all this Patriot controversy has started.  Honestly the Pats can’t sneeze without somebody writing about it and here is Nick Kaczur getting busted for OxyContin and then flipping and wearing a wire to help the DEA bust his supplier.  They wouldn’t even write this shit on The Wire.  And we didn’t hear a peep about it!  Hey Tomase, wake up buddy you missing a great story!    Seriously the media is so busy chasing down all this bullshit spygate crap that they are missing the real stuff that should be reported.    Regardless, kudos to Nick Kaczur for keeping this on the DL for so long.     Although I must admit I never condone ratting out anybody especially your Oxy supplier.   Hopefully the drug dealer understands that it was for the good of the team.

Move over Sandy Koufax. Here comes Joba! This guy must have been psyched....

More Lena here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com