Random Thoughts

NYPost.com - WAS the mystery guy spotted slinking around the Empire Hotel with smoldering starlet Minka Kelly Yankee star Derek Jeter? Though Kelly's publicist put the kibosh on our query about a male suitor at the Empire (the rep told Page Six Kelly's dad was the only guy with her in the hotel), OK! magazine reports the "Friday Night Lights" actress was wined and dined at Kobe Club by Jeter on Monday.

Damn it! Jeter keeps ruining all my chicks. Click here for more pics of Minka Kelly.

Introducing Justine from Umass. Perfect way to end the week. Doesn't Justine look like a chick who belongs at a Memorial Day Barbacue just making everybody drool all over themselves?

Enjoy the long weekend everybody. And remember if you see any Smokeshows floating around make sure to get their name and then stalk them and send their pictures to us at randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Click Here for more pics of Justine

Telegraph.co.uk - Edward Smith, who lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not "sick" and had no desire to change his ways.  "I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," he said.  "Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful. "I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change."  Mr Smith, from Washington state in the US, kept quiet about his secret fetish for years, but agreed to be interviewed as part of a channel Five documentary into “mechaphilia”.  "There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them.

First of all is mechaphilia a made up word?  I think it is, but that’s neither here nor there.  Listen I got nothing against people who love to fuck cars.  To each their own right?   But my advice would be to keep it to yourself.   Because it’s my experience that talking about how your creep up on your neighbors VW Bug at nighttime and fuck the shit out of it is a total conversation killer.    I mean nobody wants to hear that.   And again I’m forced to ask the same question I ask every time we post a story about a car fucker.  Where to they put their dick?  In the exhaust pipe?  Has to be right?

PS – I’ll come out and say what everybody is thinking.   Vanilla is kind of sexy.

UPDATE WITH VIDEO (saw video on dlisted.com)

(I told you he did it in the tail pipe! That's why I get paid the big bucks)

Can twins suck the life out of each other? Because I'm pretty sure that is what is happening here right? I mean the Olsen Twin on the left looks like she's dead or something.

One underrated element of the NBA playoff coverage on TNT has been those pregame shows which have featured the return to national TV of Magic Johnson. Johnson's analysis isn't half bad, but for hardcore Magic fans like me, it's hard to see him and not be reminded of his short-lived talk show, which was one of the all-time examples of something that was so gawdawful, such a pluperfectly bad idea, horribly conceived and terribly executed, that you couldn't take your eyes off it. "The Magic Hour" was one of those rare forms of entertainment that it was So Bad It's Good. And when you've witnessed such a thing, it's hard to ever forget it. Here's one man's list of his favorite "So Bad It's Goods" of all time. The Dirty Dozen of SBIGs:

12. "Blind Dat"e/ "5th Wheel"/ "Cheaters"
(NSFW language):

Perhaps worried that TV ratings were dropping due to an increase in American's intelligence level (yeah, right) producers came up with brilliant scheme. Make dating shows which will bring really stupid people together (and a show like "Cheaters" to keep them in line) in order to mate them, thus breeding a super race of really stupid people who will watch dating shows. Like a self-sustaining ecosystem of stupidity. It's ingenious, really.

11. Showgirls

You'd think a movie with full-frontal Elizabeth Berkeley and lesbo make outs with Gina Gershon would be so good it's good. But with lines like "I want my nipples to press, but I don't want them to look like they're levitatin' " and literally dozens of others even worse, Showgirls is the Gone With the Wind of SBIGs.

To see the rest of the list, click here...

I never heard of Brianna Frost until 10 minutes ago, but apparently she is a Penn State student and was voted the "hottest college bitch" in the country. She's also been on Stern so maybe I'm just late to the party. Anyway she lists her job as "webcam model" and I believe it. After all only a pro can pull off the double bra strip move like she did. You got to love the way she is always smiling, dancing and shaking that ass. As a reminder this video is NSFW, but it's Memorial Day weekend so who cares? Live a little! And if you're watching it at home I highly suggest having some tissue close by.

BILLERICA -- Christina Morrison says the teacher closed in on her as soon as the eighth-grader stepped into her Marshall Middle School classroom on Tuesday. The object of the teacher's wrath: the phrase "SOPHMORE 69" emblazoned on the 14-year-old's T-shirt.  "She was like: 'That shirt is inappropriate,' " Morrison recalled. "I told her that my mom had said it was fine, but she brought me to the office anyway."  There, Assistant Principal Pamela Bonaiuto informed Christina and her stepfather that she would be suspended for the day because the T-shirt was deemed to be "sexually explicit."  "I felt like crying," Christina said. "It was the first time that I was going to get suspended -- and over a shirt -- when I wasn't even trying to do anything wrong. It was just a new T-shirt from (the store) Urban Behavior that I really liked. It's only supposed to mean sophomore year 1969." The incident has infuriated Christina's mother, Kimberly Cifelli, who thinks school administrators overreacted. She thinks the teacher may also have confused Christina with her twin sister, Crystal, who had been verbally reprimanded when she wore the same T-shirt to school a week and a half ago. Cifelli said she was aware of that incident, but still felt comfortable giving Christina the go-ahead to wear the shirt.  "I told her to have a teacher or administrator call me if there was a problem," she said. "It's simply my opinion that the shirt is not sexually explicit. If the shirt said 'SOPHMORE LOVES 69' or had guns on it, I would have no problem with their action. I would totally support it."

My head hurts with this one.   I can’t decide whose side I’m on here.   Ordinarily I’d take the kid’s side, but I don’t like how the mother and daughter are acting like the school is crazy and making shit up.    I mean are they really trying to argue that the shirt just means Sophomore Year 1969 and is not sexually explicit?    Come on honey.  Tell me you don't like my firm, tell me you don't like my idea, tell me you don't like my fuckin neck tie, but don't tell me you that shirt doesn’t mean you’re a slut bag.    Now if these two bitches just admitted this fact and argued that she can wear whatever the fuck she wants to wear to school then I’d be on her side.  But as it stands I’m going with the school here.   Because the mother flat our says if the shirt was sexually explicit than she’d understand the suspension.     Well it clearly is so shut up and take your medicine.

PS – Awesome parenting skills on this mother.   If my 14 year old daughter even counts to 69 I would burn her vagina off so she could never have sex the rest of her life.

I love this kid. This is the perfect reaction for when the refs screw you. He probably made the same reaction after Chauncey Billups kicked Eddie House in the balls and got 3 free throws for his trouble.

PS - If you're a grown man and you're going to wear a Celtics shirt to the game this is how you do it. No dress shirt underneath. Get a green tshirt and rock that shit.

- Thanks to Kyle for sending it

NYtimes.com - David Ortiz is a mammoth, powerful and gregarious left-handed hitter, the kind of slugger who would not need acting lessons to imitate Babe Ruth. Ortiz, the modern-day Ruth from the Boston Red Sox, will get that interesting chance at Yankee Stadium during the All-Star Game festivities — unless the Yankees succeed in an attempt to prevent it.  Ortiz will have the opportunity to be like Babe because of a Call Your Shot promotion that is part of the home run derby. The fan who wins the online contest will choose a spot where he believes Ortiz can smash a homer. Then Ortiz has one swing, one dramatic swing, to do it. But the Yankees do not seem as if they want Ortiz to take that swing. The Yankees were upset about the plans involving Ortiz and said they were unaware of the promotion until a reporter contacted them Thursday night. The Yankees were discussing the matter internally and planning to contact Major League Baseball for an explanation.  Apparently, the Yankees would like to bury this Ortiz event themselves. Pat Courtney, a spokesman for Major League Baseball, said M.L.B. was “sensitive to the Yankees’ concerns” and would soon discuss the matter with them.  State Farm considered other players, but Ortiz’s aura, personality and instant interest in the venture clinched the decision.  Based on how the Yankees apparently feel about Ortiz, there has not been any thawing between them and Red Sox. Since Ortiz joined the Red Sox in 2003, he has manhandled the Yankees and powered Boston to two World Series championships.

Unreal.  The shocking descent of the Yankees continues.   This is flat out pathetic.  Honestly how low can the Yankees sink?   I never thought it was possible, but I honestly feel bad for them now.  This must be like how Bo Schembechler felt when he became friends with Woody Hayes when Woody Hayes was dying.  We’ve been through so much together that it just kind of hurts to see them reduced to this pathetic gravelling state.     And I know it sounds crazy, but do you think we should just give them Justin Masterson or something?    I mean we have such an embarrassment of pitching riches that maybe a gift like this would raise their spirits and make them somewhat competitive again?   This way they wouldn’t have to degrade themselves anymore by whining about things like shirts buried in the concrete and HR Derby promotions.    Come on New York, you're better than this! Somewhere in a dark alley, Pete Manzo weeps.

A Bollywood starlet who made her name going beyond the call of duty in Who Dares Wins, an Australian TV stunt show, has been accused of having sex with soldiers while on a tour to entertain troops in Afghanistan.

Tania Zaetta (above) was named in a confidential briefing paper to Australia’s Defence Minister as having slept with special forces soldiers last month at a military base in Tarin Kowt, the capital of Oruzgan province. Pictures and a video were said to have been taken.

To see more photos of Tania, click here...

Memorial Day isn't just a time to pay tribute to those men and women who joined the Great Fallen while in uniform. It's also about the living. And I can think of no better way to show the guys who are still stationed abroad, facing danger every day, that we're grateful than to have our hot celebrity chicks bone them. We can, and should, give them tributes, parades and memorials, but nothing says "thanks" like celebrity sex. In WWII they gave boys like Machinist's Mate John "Bud" Thornton Bob Hope and the Andrews Sisters, but how much better would it have been if while saving the world, they got to take a shot at Betty Grable or Lana Turner. The guys in Korea would've felt appreciated if we'd let them bone Jane Russell. The boys who fought at Khe Sahn deserved a piece of Ann Margaret. Meanwhile, where are today's celebrity chicks? Putting out for Derek Jeter and Timberlake.

But not Tania Zaette. She's serving the cause of freedom the best way she can. Sure, she denies every boinking the Aussie servicemen, but I think she's just being a quiet hero. And for that we all owe her a debt of gratitude. I ask you, where's Tania's parade?

1. American Gladiator Audition

2. Bruce Smith

3. Goats

4. Marie Osmond

5. Cooking

6. Spelling

7. Random Dude

Okay we already did this showdown a couple months ago, but the American Gladiator video is brand new so we had to add it to the mix. But it still doesn't change my rankings. I'm going with the Spelling Bee kid followed by the Italian Cook and Bruce Smith in third.   Truth be told I would have picked the cook if he got back up and kept cooking like the spelling bee kid did, but he didn’t wake up.  Instead he just sat there all passed out like a little pussy.   Still you just can’t put a price tag of fainting face first into food.  I mean you don’t even see that type of stuff in the movies.  And I love the Bruce Smith video as well.   I think Smith could have been dead and what’s his face would have just kept on talking about Flutie and the Bills offense.

It was bound to happen. The Celtics were eventually going to lose a home game. Just like the C's will win a road game. We all heard how the Pistons are unbeatable in Game 2s. Did you know they are 2-9 in Game 3s?

The reason for last night's loss is simple: the Pistons made more plays. A reborn Ray Allen helped the Celtics cut an 11-point fourth quarter lead to 2, but two offensive rebounds and subsequent scores gave the Pistons enough breathing room. The defensive breakdown (blame KG and Pierce) on Detroit's inbound play with 18 seconds left sealed this one. Bench play, or lack of, also killed the Celtics. Doc tried just about everybody (the rotation reached 11 guys including Tony Allen) but the group could must just 7 points. On the flip side, Rodney Stuckey dropped 10 of his 13 in the second half.

It's hard to pick on a guy who nearly had a triple-double, but Rajon Rondo needs to be more aggressive offensively. When his defender leaves him, Rondo needs to take the shot, whether it's a jumper of floater. All this dribbling in and out of the paint just drains the shot clock and forces other guys to rush shots. I'm expecting to see Sam Cassell in Detroit.

I know Pistons fans are anxious to hit the streets, toss around malatov cocktails and overturn cars, but I'm convinced the Celtics will win Game 3 or 4. They have to. It's the first time their facing a must-win-on-the-road in the playoffs.

Chuck - Red's Army

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