Random Thoughts

The mythical El Pres Mush was in full effect again huh? Read it and weep boys. I got a message for all the doubters out there specifically Chisholm and his wife: I RULE. DEAL WITH IT!

Right now the hottest thing on Ebay is an auction to win a date to go on a Whale Watch with Hayden Panettiere.   Now let me clear something up.  I’m not as big a Hayden freak as everybody thinks I am. That’s UB and Jerry.   Don’t get me wrong I think she’s hot and I’d love to bang her but I don’t sit up at night and think about her like I do with Bruins Ice Girl Whitney or anything like that.   But having said that I do dig this cause.     In case you haven’t noticed I’m like 2 levels below a full fledged Peta person.   Long story short I’d totally bid 10 grand if I was rich.  But there is no way I’m bringing along 5 of my buddies.   I mean why would you want to bring 5 cock-blocks with you?   More importantly this idea got me to thinking that maybe the Stool should start auctioning off dates to raise money.  No, not with our smokeshows because I don’t want to be held liable for rape, but with the staff.  Win a private ride along with El Pres in the Astrovan as I do my paper route!   Play trivia with Pete Manzo!    Party with Jerry Thornton back stage at the Comedy Club!   This could be huge!    I may even make enough money to move out of the First Lady’s mother’s house.  That’s assuming that The First Lady would let me hookup on these dates which I’m sure she’d be cool with.   It’s a no brainer.

Introducing Bridget from Northeastern.    First of all this is the definition of a potato sack girl.  Secondly I’m in love.  Third, I honestly hope I never meet this girl because there is no way she can live up to my expectations of her.    It’s impossible.   Nobody can be flawless can they?

Do you know any chicks who are even a tenth of as hot as Bridget?   Because they’d still be hot enough to be our next smokeshow of the day.  Send all nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

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Poor Detroit. They are going to be having Boston nightmares for the next month the rate this is going.

Foxnews.com - A 32-year-old woman sent a picture of Pamela Anderson's breasts to a 15-year-old workmate shortly before beginning a sexual relationship with him, the Supreme Court in Launceston has heard.Courtney Issabella Bailey, now 34, told police that the boy had texted her asking her for a picture of her breasts – but she sent a picture of the Baywatch star's breasts instead. Bailey had remarked to his parents that he was a "big strong boy" for a 15-year-old. Sex had occurred in two separate incidents. The two had gone to her home after work and watched a DVD before having intercourse and then oral sex for 20 minutes before again having intercourse.

Generally speaking, I feel like chicks who seduce and bang young boys get a bad rap in today’s society.   Like a 15 year old kid can’t make up his own mind on whether to fuck a Cougar or not?  Please.  Give me a fucking break.   I mean we’re talking about “a big strong boy” here.   Surely he is old enough to decide where to stick his dick right?   Well not this time!    Listen I have no problem with Cougars seducing young boys.  But let’s do it fair and square.  No sending pictures of Pam Anderson’s tits (probably in her prime) and passing them off as yours.   I mean who wouldn’t fuck you then?   Bottom line is that if you want to seduce a minor do it the right way.  Send a picture of your own tits and pussy.   None of this deception bullshit.    We need to make an example out of this chick.   It’s bad enough that we let bitches pad their bras, but this is just too much to handle. Kid must have been furious when he saw her tits for the first time. 

PS - What kind of job has 32 year olds and 15 year olds working side by side? Summer Camp?

Click Here For the Answer

Baseball star Jose Canseco recently revealed that the mortgage on his home had been foreclosed, and he blamed two costly divorces for his financial woes. Because the dude has to pay the bills, he has turned to celebrity boxing. Canseco and promoter Damon Feldman are seeking a challenger to fight the Oakland Athletics veteran on July 12 at the Bernie Robbins Stadium in Atlantic City. The chosen opponent will be paid $5,000. Brave souls should e-mail fightcanseco@aol.com. Canseco's opponent will be revealed... next week. No word on whether Canseco, who admitted to having used steroids throughout his baseball career, will be juiced for the fight.

This is one of those feel good, life affirming stories you just don't get to hear enough of. A real "plucky underdog refuses to quit and triumphs over adversity" story. Leave it to Jose Canseco to inspire us all with his example.

The world has handed Jose one bad break after another. After he made tens of millions playing baseball, it got stolen from him by his greedy, blood-sucking, Baseball Annie ex-wives. As Pat Jordan points out, Jose bought a $2.6 million house (to go with his $1.7 million place), traded it for $2 million worth of Mexican Telecom stock, only to sell the stock two years later for $15,000. His agent has negotiated $2 million in deals for him the couple of years, only to see one after another fall through.

But quit? Not a chance. Jose Canseco doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit." He also doesn't know the meaning of the word "job" either, so he concocted this brilliant, can't-miss, money-making deal. Now all his problems will be solved. Happy days are here again. And when the boxing match is over, here are a few more business ventures I'm suggesting to Jose. Sure-fire ways to take advantage of his many skills that will put him back on Easy Street in no time:

• Clown for kid's birthday parties
• Blood bank donor
• Singing on the street for spare change
• Sperm bank donor
• Dunk tank guy at school fundraisers
• Tijuana Sex-with-a-Horse Show performer
• Let people pay to shoot paint balls at him
• Three Card Monte dealer
• Sleep with his old bag landlord for rent like Munson in "Kingpin"
• Paper route
• Get on all fours and be someone's footrest for a night
• Jose Canseco impersonator

You ain't so bad, you ain't so bad, you ain't nothin'. C'mon, champ, hit me in the face! My mom hits harder than you! - Rocky Balboa

Fear the Pistons. They've been there before. They know how to win in the playoffs. Blah, blah, shove it up your ass, blah. With a week of rest and preparation under their belts, the Pistons strolled into the Garden last night and somehow lost to the mentally and physically exhausted, overrated and under-achieving Boston Celtics. Critics will say the Celtics merely held home court, but for reasons listed above, this was the game Detroit could have/should have stolen. The only problem: the Celtics are the better team.

Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett proved they are the best two players in this series. Pierce played a fantastic all-around game - 44 minutes, 22 pts, 6 reb, 6 assists. He played the point-forward to perfection; bringing the ball up the court, working the pick-and-roll, finding his shot or the open man. KG was an offensive force - 26 pts, 11-17 FG, 9 reb, 4 assists. He knocked down jumpers and worked the post.

Rajon Rondo (11 pts, 7 assists, 5 steals, 1 TO) was a pest. He was very active on both ends. And he nailed two big shots; an open jumper and 3-pointer in the final three minutes to seal the victory. Ray Allen struggled again. I'll leave it at that.

It took 5 seconds to realize Chauncey Billups is not 100% recovered from his strained hamstring. The injury forced Flip Saunders to play Rip Hamilton on Rajon Rondo from the start. Billups was a non-factor. In fact, so was Rip and Rasheed Wallace. The trio combined for 35 pts. Rip was so frustrated he threw an elbow at Garnett which inexcusably (but not surprisingly - Perkins would've been tossed and suspended for two games) was not called a flagrant foul. The league may hand down a fine, but I don't expect anything more.

Pistons fans might say the Celtics played a great game and couldn't shake Detroit until the final few minutes. That Chauncey, Rasheed and Rip will play better. They might be right. But I doubt we've seen the best from PP, KG, Ray-Ray and the bench. And I know a road win is coming....Face it Detroit...your mediocre run is ending.

Chuck - Red's Army

I'm royally fucked for Saturday night's Game 3. I must attend (divorce is an option if I bow out) this family birthday party and there is no TV access. I have two options: annoy the shit out of my wife and listen to the game on the radio or record it and watch when I get home later that night. But then I run the risk of some blackberry carrying douchebag blurting out the score. Suggestions? Any rock-solid excuses for avoiding the party?

Reader Email

Hello,
 
I am a big fan and reader of barstool and i was going thru the archive and saw pictures of that smoker Daniella on March 11th and i would like to say that i have never seen a hotter and sexier girl in my life.
 
I would be totally in debt to this magazine and would do anything for them if they could set me up on a date with Daniella, i am a season ticket Celtic owner for the past 2 years and would donate C's vs Pistons or FINALS tickets to Barstool sports if they could hook me up on a date with her .   I would be willing to bring daniella to a game also .......... I got great seats
 

I am a 31 yr old  work for a private jet company , own 2 houses and a two family in Brighton with my brothers. I am good looking, 5'8  175 .......former athlete, highschool QB and PG for the hoop team ........ i work out daily and meet many girls , i am not a dope or a geek ......... but daniella looks like the perfect girl .
 
I WOULD BE IN DEBT FOREVER.............
 
i can be reached at this email or 617-XXX-XXXX
 
Cordially,
 
Rob

I’m begging Stoolies NOT to send us emails asking to date our smokeshows of the day anymore.   It puts me in a very awkward position.   And I’m not talking about whether I should pass along the girls info or not because there is no way in hell that is happening.  Sorry, but I’m not in the business of getting our girls kidnapped.    But the bigger reason I don’t want our readers to send us these emails is because I can’t resist posting the emails and making fun of you.  I don’t want to do it.  But I feel like I owe it to you.  It sucks.   It really does.  I mean what planet are you living on if you think this is going to work? I don’t care whether you were the starting QB and PG in high school or not.    Listen Rob the best way to meet our smokeshows is to come to our parties.  This way nobody makes fun of you and it is less creepy for everybody.

After the Celtics game ended last night I watched all 3 of David Cook’s performances on the American Idol finale.  And I was stunned and dismayed by his song choices.   Doesn’t everybody know that you don’t fuck around on Finale Night?   You pick out the 2 or 3 best songs that you sang earlier in the season and bring em back out for an encore.  You want to leave the best possible impression in the voter’s minds before the show goes off the air.   For David Cook that meant he had five songs that he could have gone with.

1. Billy Jean
2. Hello
3. Eleanor Rigby
4. Daytripper
5. Little Sparrow

And not only were these his five best songs, but they were the best five songs of the entire season, period.   It should have been an absolute no brainer for him to bring a couple of his big hits back out.    But instead he chose to go with songs he never sang before.  A little piece of me died when I saw him do this.   What the fuck is that all about?  I’m pretty sure that’s the first time in the history of American Idol that anybody has ever done that before.  Who is giving David Cook advice in the locker room?   Where is his coach?  If David Cook loses tonight to that puke Archuleta he is going to have nobody to blame but himself.  If he just lays up on 18 and ends the show with Billy Jean he wins the championship by two strokes.  Instead he got risky and put one in the water.  Not good.  Not good at all.    Personally I think I should still get credit for him winning regardless of what happens tonight because he had it in the bag right until the bitter end.   So stupid.

Now while some people may pupu this video of Maria Sharapova throwing a football during her warm ups, I am not one of those people. As the most successful Powderpuff Coach in the history of Swampscott High School, I feel uniquely qualified to judge chick QB's. And trust me when I say Sharapova could play for me any day. There are probably only 100 chicks on earth who can throw a football like this.

(video from Fan IQ)

See this is what the media doesn't get. Bill Belichick doesn't care about them. He doesn't care how low they sink or how much they try and tear him down. All he cares about is winning football games and banging hot blonde's. And guess what? That's all anybody around here cares about either and that's why people treat him like a God. So let Greg Easterbrooks, John Tomase, and everybody else can write their little articles. Because while they're slaving away at a their typewriters being ugly, the coach is sitting in the first row of the Celtics game, getting standing ovations, wearing sandals with no socks and plowing the shit out of his cougar girlfriend. Check Mate.

Typical dirty Pistons here. I guess we shouldn't be surprised. But the league can't let Rip get away with this can they? I mean what type of message does this send if you let guys do MMA moves on the league's true MVP? Vote how many games you think Rip Hamilton should be suspended for this vicious assault.

To see much more of Rebecca, click here...