Scotland -- Police were called to a shamed nursing home when boozed-up pensioners went on a vodka-fuelled rampage. Four OAPs ran wild at Burnfoot Coach House, near Dumfries, after a boozy session downing bottles of vodka. And one of them caused alarm by offering free sex to other care home residents. They woke sleeping pensioners by causing a commotion. When staff failed to control the riot, they called the police. A police source said last night: "It was a bit of a rammy. It was sparked by one pensioner in particular who seemed to be the ring-leader and managed to wake some of the quieter residents. It turned into a riot and the staff couldn't get the pensioners under control."

There comes a time in a man's life when he's got to start thinking ahead. When he reaches a certain age and he realizes he won't live forever. I'm not there yet of course, and I will live forever. But soon enough it's going to be time to start thinking about my legacy. About how I'm going to be remembered. And this is it. When I'm late in life's 4th quarter and running out the clock, I want to be the ring leader of a vodka-fuelled sex orgy so out of control that the cops are called in to quell the riot. I don't care what failings you've had in this life, when you can still get the ladies so riled up with your offer of free sex that the orderlies can't control them, you've led a good life, no question about it.

By the way, I'm addding "a bit of a rammy" to my list of favorite expressions. If I ever find myself surrounded by a bunch of drunken, sex-crazed octogenarians starting a riot, I'm going to have to remember to call it a "rammy."