Random Thoughts
How Long Before Matt Ryan is "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"?
Portland Press Herald - Quarterback Matt Ryan's longtime girlfriend, a former Catherine McAuley basketball star, is attending the NFL draft. She never paid much attention to that unique part of American sport culture known as the NFL draft. Watch the selections on television or follow them over the Internet? Buy a ticket and actually go to Radio City Music Hall to see the draft in person? It wasn't on Sarah Marshall's to-do list. Until now. Sarah Marshall and her father, John, left Boston on Thursday aboard an Amtrak Acela bound for New York City. Not only do they have tickets to Saturday's NFL draft, they have prime seats. Sarah, a former Catherine McAuley basketball star and three-year starter at Boston College, has a connection. His name is Matt Ryan, the former Boston College quarterback. People who are paid to pay attention to such things say he will be the first quarterback chosen in the draft. He's at the top of his class. His signing bonus alone should make him an instant millionaire. He's also Sarah Marshall's longtime boyfriend.
Let me start by saying I hate having to write this blog. But I just wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t. I mean somebody sent me this article so what was I supposed to do? Just ignore it? That would be a slap in the face to all the smut peddlers who came before me. Shame on the Portland Press Herald for putting me in this position in the first place. Now I got to be the asshole.
Seriously how is it possible that Matt Ryan has an average (wink, wink) looking girlfriend whose name is Sarah Marshall at the same time the #1 movie in America is entitled “Forgetting Sarah Marshall? God must be sitting back in his lounge chair pissing himself from laughing so hard. Listen, Matt Ryan seems like a nice guy. And he doesn’t strike me as the type of dude who wants to fuck anybody over. But if these two were walking down the street and nobody knew who they were you’d be like why is that dude dating that chick? And now Ryan is about to become the #1 QB taken in the entire NFL Draft? Doesn’t Sarah Marshall see the handwriting on the wall? If she really loved Matt she’d just bow out gracefully. This way nobody gets hurt. Because with the amount of pussy 
that is going to be flying at Matt Ryan it’s going to take be impossible for him to stay in this relationship. Bottom line is that I should not have a better looking girlfriend than Matt Ryan and neither should anybody who reads the Stool. It’s just not the way God intended it. Yeah I know she played hoops at BC, but that can only take you so far. So here is the logical question. How long before Matt Ryan forgets Sarah Marshall? (Bada Boom!)
Vote 1 for 1 hour after getting drafted and 10 for 10 hours after getting drafted)
A Breakdown of the Patriots Draft
The NFL Draft... Football Geek Christmas... is tomorrow. But the annual excercise of fultilely trying to figure out what Bill Belchick and Scott Pioli have up their sleeve began months ago. I'm obsessed with it, but I don't know why. I've checked no less than three dozen mock drafts, and I must have found ten different players names mentioned in conjunction with the Pats. And that of course is if they keep the pick, which almost no one thinks they will. It's just a colossal waste of time. No one can possibly predict what Piolichick is going to do. The conventional wisdom with them is there is no conventional wisdom. Remember "They never take a running back in the first round" and they ended up taking Maroney? Remember when they were all set at tight end with Daniel Graham, then they grabbed Benjamin Watson at 32? It's pure guesswork. Like Manzo playing the horses.
There are 10,000 sites on the Web written by guys who do nothing but pre-analysis of the NFL Draft, and not one of them knows anything more than we do. But none of them have Local Smokeshows of the Day when you get bored with reading about tackle prospects. So in that vein, here's a breakdown of the possible scenarios for the Patriots in the first round:
Scenario 1: Patriots trade down. Odds: 3:2
This has been the conventional wisdom ever since the NFL swindled the Patriots of their own No. 1 (31st over all) and the San Francisco pick netted them the No. 7. Last year's No. 7 was Adrian Peterson, who cost the Vikings $17 million in guaranteed money. This year it will likely be $18 mil. Since the Pats wouldn't pay Asante Samuel $20 mil, it doesn't seem very Piolichickian that they'd pay that much to an unknown commodity.
Barstool Local Smokeshow of the Day (Jo Ellen)
Introducing Jo Ellen from Cranston RI. Somewhere Vinny Paz is smiling. Either that or beating somebody up. Anyway you want to know what is starting to piss me off? Stoolies who bitch and moan when we don’t have a smokeshow of the day or their not happy with who we feature. Hey Stoolies, why don’t you get off your ass and send me some hot chicks? If you don’t contribute then I don’t want to hear it. End of story. Now send us some hot ass broads to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com
(PS – They may replay this speech on “E Behind The Music - Barstool Sports” as a real turning point in the smokeshow of the day feature)
What Not To Do At A Celtics Playoff Game
I'm Right Here! Yeah It's Me! I'm Right Here! I'm Right Here!
Hilarious! This had to be the guy Bibby was talking trash about right? I kind of get it now.
- Thanks to the immortal Wayno from WEEI for the awesome clip. Great stuff.
What a waste of a ticket.
That was priceless...what a fuck'n idiot.
How the fuck does not one soul tell him to "Sit the fuck down you fat fuck!". Difference between Cs and Bs fans.
Did fans really have bags on their heads last year? I don't remembering hearing or seeing it anywhere. Red's Army? Any word?
My guess is he drives a white 2001 Maxima with tinted windows.
more proof cell phones should be banned from sporting events. honestly, if anyone does this during play at any sporting event they should be immediately ejected from the facility, preferably by force
Absolute clowns!
How long do you think he would have kept that up until he was seen by his friends? An entire quarter?
Rearadmiral, you're right. Someone should have told him to sit his ass down.
No way. He would have kept going until the game was over and there was nobody left in the building except him and his buddies. and then he would have kept on going from there
I hope that guy reads this site.
Where are the T-shirt cannons when you need them?
The pizza throwing guy from Fenway should be hired at every sporting event. This guy was begging for a pie to the face.
if this guy is reading the stool - "hey, look at this comment i'm leaving for you. right here! its right here!"
Driftwood that floated up from the Jersey shore and landed in Revere?
Obviously this guy wouldn't know common curtiousy if it fell on his head. If that were at a sox game they would have been yelled at the first 5 seconds.
this post, right here, is why I continue to visit this site.
fucking hilarious
oh yeah, this post, and the scantilly clad ladies
Speaking of local douchebags...
http://www.bostonsportsmedia.com/2008/04/butch-bumbles-blog-exchange#comment-1504
Think Rear has an ax to grind with Butch?
Wow that guy is a complete douche bag. Absolutely no composure. It appears to be his first time at a professional sporting event. It would have been worth being escorted out to pour a beer on his head.
manzo that's great!
Prez - i'm dying cause the link in the comment was if i already clicked on it and i'm just reading this blog.
So yes, i'd agree RA hates Butch.
El P and BA,
The guy sucks, plain and simple. That blog shit just confirms it further. Now, if he had his own site, he could talk to people like that.
I'm just saying you've posted that link like 5 times already. I actually like Butch Stearns
I know I did. And I'm the one who usually gets annoyed when others do it. That's how much he annoys me. When you have his job, you're wrong, get called on it, and then call people names in defense of your incorrect stance---you suck in my book.
RA, in butch's defense i think it was more of a typo or a brain anuerism than him being wrong. its not like he actually thinks ty law is 38. if he does, then thats different..
barstool classic moment - xmas party from 2 years ago, butch sterns dancing on the bar at the place drinking jaeger from the bottle.
It's too bad he wasn't talking to a sniper.
4-1 this kid is from Revere,,2-1 he's from Meffa,,3-1 the North End,,8-1 Leominster,,5-1 Saugus,,even money he's simply an asshole...
Now I can see why you guys think he's alright if he came to a party and did that. But manzo, that's merely the tip of the iceberg with him. He makes errors all the time, stirs shit up instead of reporting it, starts rumors, and then gets pissy when you tell him he's wrong like a fucking child. Having a beer with him? Probably a good shit. As a journalist? I'll take Borat.
BRV, I'll take 'simply an asshole' for two dimes. And how the fuck is Leominster only 8-1. That's a sucker's bet.
Ed H, great stuff.
Where's the guy that threw the pizza at Fenway last year when you need him?
Speaking of the Jersey shore, I actuially met a kid that looked like those dudes this week, when he told me he was from Jersey, it was all i could do to not crack up laughing at him.
Correct me If I am wrong, but isn't that the same guy Jermaine O'Neal punched out a couple of years back at the Brawl? That guy is faaaaantastic.
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Barstool Draft Tradition: New York Jets Draft Blunders
Nothing gets me fired up more for the NFL draft than the New York Jets draft blunders. Like the Masters, it's a Barstool "tradition like none other". From Johnny Lam Jones to Blair Thomas, it just doesn’t get any better/worse than the Jets. What b-u-s-t bust-bust-bust will the Jets draft this year? Chris Long? McFadden? MPC Computers Bowl MVP, Matt Ryan? Whoever they select, to quote the curly-haired guy in the Redskins-striped shirt, “Obviously the Jets know something that the people up here don’t.”
To be fair though, Marino wouldn't have won anything on the Jets either.
A Question To Ponder On A Friday Afternoon: Does Knowing Somebody Famous Make You Big Time?
I was flicking through a photo gallery on boston.com yesterday from Tedy Bruschi's First Annual Night of Inspiration Benefit for The American Stroke Association at the Seaport Hotel. Does anybody know who this is with Tedy? Apparently it is Will McDonough. Not to be confused with the Wil McDonough who is dead. Instead this Will McDonough’s claim to fame is that he is Tom Brady’s bitch/best friend. And what does that make you in Boston? Like the 2nd most powerful guy in the city. This is the first time I’ve ever seen a picture of him, but I’ve heard his name dropped at least 9 thousand times. The first 8 thousand times I thought people were talking about the sportswriter so I got wicked confused because I knew McDonough was dead and was a Parcells guy to boot. Anyway from what I hear if you want to get anything done in this city with the Patriots or Brady you need to go through McDonough. This obviously begs the age old question of whether being friends with somebody who is big time makes you big time by association? Like is Turtle big time because he hangs out with Vince? In any event, it seems like a pretty good gig if you can get it.
Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher
Chesapeake police on Tuesday arrested a Norfolk Academy coach on an allegation that she had sexual contact with a female student, police said. Ashley Kristen Samaniego, 23, of Blue Beech Way in Chesapeake, was charged with one count of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. She was the JV girls basketball coach at Norfolk Academy, police said today. She is accused of having sexual contact with a 17-year-old, police said. She was arrested at her house early Tuesday evening.
Of course, none of us is surprised that a 23 year old girls basketball coach is having lesbian sex with one of her players. It's expected, is it not? I'm guessing they cover it in the job interview.
"Will you play a post-up offense or dribble-drive motion?"
"Post up."
"What kind of girls will you seduce?"
"Mostly blondes. Some brunettes."
"Zone defense or man-to-man?..."
So this story is nothing special. What sets our girl Ashley apart is apparently she goes down on teenage girls as part of her strict weight loss regimen. Before being led away in cuffs, Samaniego was profiled in the Chesapeake newspapers for losing 30 lbs. And according to her, sex with high school girls is the key: "I adjusted my diet by... eating smaller, healthier portions...I'm now the assistant coach for the Norfolk Academy's girls JV basketball team, which requires a lot of physical participation..."
The Grades:
Looks: Sorry, but 30lbs in this case is like throwing deck chairs off the Titanic. Grade: C-.
Moral Compass/Bad Judgement: 23 year old lesbians sleeping with 17 year old jocks isn't a major scandal, it's a job perk. Like dental. Grade: D.
Intangibles: No videos, raunchy text messages, no sex in the locker room shower like something out of a Cinemax women's prison movie? Weak effort here. Grade: D-.
Overall: D. We'll need more out of the next Sapphic pedophile teacher. Thanks to Brooks and JD for the tip.
Rate The World Premiere Video Of "Smell Yo Dick"
I got to be honest. I was a little bit disappointed. Not one smelling of yo dick during the entire video. Kind of seems like a major oversight if you ask me. Still the tune is catchy. I gave the video a 2. The song is still a 10.
Mel Kiper Jr Myspace Page
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The guys at Joe Sport Fan did a great job putting together another fake Myspace page. They must have a degree in chemical engineering to put something like this together. I'm still struggling with Microsoft paint. Bottom line is that without Chisholm (where is that guy) Barstool Sports is the least artistic blog in the universe. Speaking of Chisholm maybe the Stool should hold a rally to have 1 comeback blog from him. I mean if the New Kids can do it so can he right?
Beating Off Prevents Prostate Cancer
Foxnews.com - Men who frequently masturbate appear to have a lower risk of developing prostate cancer, Australian researchers reported.Researchers from the Cancer Council of Victoria found that men who masturbated more than five times each week were one-third less likely to develop the cancer. The study surveyed 1,000 men who developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who did not, and all were between the ages of 20 and 50, according to a report on Monday on the gay and lesbian news site PlanetOut. Researchers told the BBC last week that the prostate produces one of the fluids involved in ejaculation and that frequent masturbation appears to flush out carcinogens.Sexual intercourse may not have the same effect because it increases the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, which could raise the risk of cancer, the Web site reported.
Listen I’m just as happy as the next guy about these findings, but was it really worth spending time on this study? I mean what guy doesn’t beat off at least 5 times a week? This is like holding a press conference to announce that guys who stand up at least 5 times a week are less likely to have a heart attack. Thanks for the update, but how does this help anybody? Now if you tell me that guys who jerk off 100 times a week are ½ as likely to get cancer then that is a different story. I’ll start beating off around the clock. But don’t try and act like you’re changing lives when you tell people to just keep on keeping on.
Dad Busted for Soliciting a Prostitute with His Kid in the Car
MEMPHIS, TN - Memphis Police announced Tuesday, April 22, 2008 they have arrested 64 people on prostitution charges. Police say Randall Stovall was also arrested; investigators say he had his 7 year-old daughter in the car with him while he picked up a prostitute.
First I missed out on getting high at 4:20 on 4/20, now I've completely missed Take Your Daughter to Solicit a Prostitute Day. Sure we could get all judgmental about Mr. Stovall's parenting skills here. This is just another case where we can all expect to hear from the "You shouldn't pick up hookers with your second grader in the back seat" crowd, who are always butting into everyone else's businees. But as a father myself, I'm giving Stovall the benefit of the doubt. When you're raising children, it's always important to look for what the experts call "teaching moments." With one car trip, Little Miss Stovall got to learn about women in the workplace (hookers, female cops undercover as hookers), math ("That'll cost you fifty dollah." "What can I get for twenty?") and science (reproduction). Plus now she'll get a look into the legal system she'd never get from watching "Jimmy Neutron." All in all I'd say Randall made the right choice not hiring a babysitter.
Wake Up with Nicole Neumann
Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com
Thx to Lugnutz for the request
Absolute Gold!