Random Thoughts

As you might imagine UB gets a lot of questionable requests for Wake Up calls and this latest one has him stumped. UB doesn't know a whole hell of a lot about Kim Lyons other than she's on "The Biggest Loser" and that she's a weightlifter/work out nut. Now, UB enjoys his women lean, but once they start getting those Popeye arms and the pancake nailed to a wall breasts...lets just say UB's lost that lovin' feeling.

In any event Kim is bench pressing the line between Wake Up worthy and Hanz and Franz land...So UB'll leave it up to the Stoolies...10 she's Wake Up worthy, 1 she's booted from the gym a la George Costanza for peeing in the shower...

"It's all pipes! What's the difference?!"

Opening Day is just under a month away, but we've already hit another annual milestone. Today marks the first day of "Blowhards and Assholes Get All Indignant About Manny Ramirez Day."

The Sox visited the White House yesterday. It was better than the usual perfunctory "handshake and a jersey with the president's name on it" photo op. Bush was witty, charming, self-effacing and gracious. You can see why he's so popular. But more importantly, afterwards the team did the Lord's work by visiting wounded soldiers over at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.

Well not quite the team. A few guys never made the trip including Theo, Julian Tavares, Devern Hansack and Manny Ramirez. If you're thinking that all four guys are receiving equal criticism, welcome to Boston; you're obviously new here. No, Manny is getting torn a new ass over this. All over WEEI this morning voices are being raised, tables are being pounded with fists, umbrage is being taken, fits thrown, dander raised and cows had. And if the last seven years are any indication, it should last a month or so.

Of course the conniptions are all directed at Manny. It's already been determined that Theo wasn't there because he doesn't like Bush's politics, like he's Muhammed Ali conscientiously objecting to 'Nam. Tavares and Hansack? Who cares if they didn' t go. Manny is dumping all over our wounded vets and dammit he's got to feel some sports radio wrath.

Do I wish he'd gone to the hospital? Goddamned right I do. I wish he and every athlete in the country would go there every day. I wish Manny would put himself at the top of the organ donor list for every one of those heroes and swore a blood oath to put all their kids through college. But this is what Manny is: a spoiled, immature, self absorbed crackpot who can hit. Which is something we all figured out about two seasons into his career in Cleveland. And ever since he's been here he's been exactly that. Like no other free agent signing in the history of sports, he's come exactly as advertised. He didn't suddenly wake up yesterday and decide he was going to be Albert Schweitzer. He was and always will be a douchebag. Get over it. Besides, Schweitzer sucked with RISP.

Tonight is our biweekly Meet the Model at The Good Bar in Faneuil Hall (former Dockside) from 9-11pm. Even I'm a little bit excited to see Kacy in person since I wasn't at this photoshoot. From smokeshow to cover girl all in a couple months. A true rising star.

Also, tomorrow night we have a Ms. Barstool at The Harp from 10 -12pm if you're looking for something to do. It's the easiest way in the city for a hot chick to win 100 bucks as far as I know.....

From Entertainmentwise:

When interviewed recently, [Kate Beckinsale] couldn’t stop talking about her vagina!Speaking to Allure magazine, the Underworld actress reveals: “I've only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's Tomb!" Kate sinks to lower depths when asked about her best feature. She gushes: “My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I'm told it is spectacular. But you can't really walk it down the red carpet. What can I say?" After a giggling fit, Kate then enlighten the interviewer, by silently mouthing the magical words: “My twat.”

I'm trying to stop writing about Beckinsale, honestly I am. I don't want to be repetitive here, nor do I want to get the authorities involved in what is becoming a dangerous obession with me. But how can you ignore her when she keeps bringing the heat on an almost daily basis? I've seen every other part of her, and the notion that her va-jay-jay is better than the rest of her gives me the vapors. I'm glad I didn't hear her talk dirty about her girl parts in that accent. I'm not sure my heart would take it. And for the record, unlike some guys, yes I do believe it's possible to have a really good looking one. I have no doubt Kate's boyfriends are right on the money.

Today is a special day. It is West Virgina soccer All American Amanda Chicchini's 21st birthday. No doubt couches will be burning tonight in Morgantown! Happy Birthday to the hottest college athlete in the country and the inventer of the "Chicchini" (ass forward picture) She's cleary the best thing ever to come out of Canada and West Virginia by a mile.

Click here for a tribute to Amanda Cicchini

Other than playing "video bags”, the other lowlight of my trip to DC was being able to take this picture (see above).  Now 16th century fine art is not exactly a prerequisite to work for The Stool, but I was able to recognize that thing right when I walked in as Van Gogh’s "Self-Portrait".  Impressed?  You should be.  Now I also knew that “thing” happened to be worth well over $10 million, so my first question to the bouncer standing like 20 feet away was “Is that the original?”  To which he replied, “Sir, this is the National Gallery.  It’s the original.”  Fine, but what’s it doing just hanging there on the wall like a 6th grade picture at Grandma’s house?  No security, no laser beams, no nothing! Fucking Fonzie's jacket is in a glass case in the Smithsonian! Meanwhile people are posing with the Van Gogh Self-Portrait like it was the Stanley Cup!

I'm sorry it just doesn't make any sense. Frankly I couldn't even believe you could use cell phone cameras in the National Gallery let alone get within 2 feet of a $10 million painting. You heard it here first, I’m predicting it either gets damaged by a hooligan or stolen by some dude from France.

Vs.

Vs.

Vs.

Vs.

Another tough competition. But I think I need to go with the last video. The crowd is what seals it for me. I just love how they are was whipping themselves into into a frenzy before the lift. "It's your show Ryan!" And then somebody screams "You're almost there" when the reality of the situation was Ryan's arm was two seconds away from snapping off. And then all hell breaks loose when it becomes painfully obvious that he's about to die. Hilarious. The first video comes in a close second because I always enjoy watching people knock themselves out. The rest of the list is as follows.

#5

#1

#4

#3

#2

PS - Don't think I'm not breaking out the "It's You're Show Manzo" for bowling next week.

From Michael Silver on Yahoo Sports:

Four years ago in the RCA Dome, a small-school defensive line prospect named Isaac Hilton nervously awaited his moment onstage at the NFL scouting combine. Chugging water... the former Hampton University star wore only spandex boxer briefs, and his legs were shaking as he walked up to the podium... And then, to the shock and dismay of everyone in the building...

“The poor kid pissed himself,” recalls one scout who witnessed it. “He was standing up there … and it all just came out. Craziest thing I’ve ever seen...All of a sudden people were running up there with towels and spraying the stage and wiping down the wood, and they led the guy away, and he just looked stunned. There was a delay while they cleaned things up, and we all just stood there saying, ‘Did we just see what we thought we saw?’ ”

To finish the story, Hilton ended up being taken by the NY Giants in the 7th round. He never made the roster, had a cup of coffee with Carolina and Tampa Bay and eventually ended up playing in Canada. So the lesson here for all the guys at the combine is that the NFL can overlook a lot of things: poor measurables, bad grades, arrest records... but if you piss yourself in front of the scouts, you might as well start learning the word's to "O Canada." The canucks are OK with dirty pee pants, but in the states, NFL stands for No Frigging Losing control of your bladder.

If the Celtics get what they want (Sam Cassell)... he will be the second 38 year old that they bring into the fold as "missing pieces" to this team.  The first, as you've heard by now, is P.J. Brown.  P.J. didn't need a buyout to come play for the C's, because he wasn't playing anywhere.  He's come out of retirement... and he can actually help.

For some reason... Kendrick Perkins has forgotten how to rebound.  Maybe his shoulder is worse than he's letting on... to which I say... sit down.  The 8 points, 1 rebound you gave us last night didn't really help much.  For God's sake... you got out-rebounded by Eddie House. 

I like Perk... but he's got to be a beast out there to be a contributor.  I'll be happy with 2 points and 10 boards.  Just chew glass, baby.  Brown, I assume, will be able to get in there and do what Scot Pollard couldn't (play?)... rebound and play D when Perkins is on the bench or is ineffective.  Leon Powe and Glen Davis are doing some good work... but its good to have an (almost) 7 footer out there as an option.

As for last night... I wouldn't read too much into it.  I think Cleveland kinda screwed themselves by bringing in 4 new players at the deadline.  Are they really going to jell by the playoffs?  I don't think so.  Paul Pierce's shot took the night off after carrying the team against the Clippers.  Ray Allen's shot came back, though... as he shot 7-10 for 22 points.  That's what you call... efficient.  And after LeBron turned his ankle... he didn't really do much (except for his left handed dunk over KG for his 10,000th career point... the youngest ever to reach that mark).  Congrats to KG for his 11,000th rebound.  Perk, by the way, is on pace to grab his 11,000th rebound in his 32nd year in the league right now.  KG's ab strain is looking to be a lot better.  I know some people were tossing around the "KG is more hurt than we know" comments.... but the bottom line is he was out for a month and was working his way back into the rotation against some tough competition.  He's looking a lot better now... and he was throwing passes and hitting jumpers like that ab wasn't bugging him at all.   That's good news for those of us who did unspeakable things at the I-93 truck stop in North Andover to get balcony seats to next week's Piston's game.  That herpes simplex 12 better be worth it.

C's win... Pistons lose... our lead is 3 games again.

BRAINTREE, Mass. -- A pizza deliveryman lead police to an underage drinking party last Saturday night. Police said the teens ordered a pizza and two bags of chips.  "They took the food and slammed the door," said Robert Sullivan, the pizza deliveryman. "So I knocked again, rang the doorbell and no one answered the door again."  Then Sullivan flagged down a local police officer driving by. Upon arrival on Plain Street in Braintree, police found several teenagers at an unsupervised party drinking alcohol. The host's parents were out of town. The group of partygoers included Braintree High School athletes. "As a result of these kids not paying a $10 bill, 39 individuals are being summoned into court to face minor in possession of alcohol charges," said Chief Paul Frazier of the Braintree Police Dept. Braintree High School officials said there is a zero tolerance policy at their school and the students will be disciplined.

Typical South Shore scumbags.   You wouldn’t see this shit on the North Shore I’ll tell you that much.   Yeah you may get stabbed late night at the Porthole, but people pay their pizza bill.  Honestly what the hell were these idiots thinking?   Never mind drawing attention to the fact that you’re underage and drinking, but who the fuck orders a pizza and doesn’t pay for it?   That’s like the lowest from of scumbag there is.  I mean how do you not empathize with the Pizza man?   He’s just driving around in a beat up car trying to scratch out a living.   You think he wants to be delivering pie for a career?   The last thing he needs is some teenage punks stealing his pizza and slamming the door in his face.    He probably gets docked a week’s pay for that if he returns back to the office empty handed.    Bottom-line is that hassling the delivery man is is just a total asshole move.  I hope these douche bags get incarcerated.

PS – For some reason the Papa Gino’s in South Weymouth has a bunch of old bags as their delivery boys.   I almost don’t even want to order it anymore because I don’t have the heart to face them when they show up.    I mean they seem like they are happy people, but how can you be happy when you’re 60 and a pizza delivery man?   I end up tipping their asses like triple so they can retire and because I feel guilty.  The whole thing ends up costing me more than it would to go to the Capital Grille but at least I can sleep at night.

Bostonist.com - The organizers of the Boston Silent Dance Experiment can extol the artistic virtues of urban fun and collective improv performance to Bostonist, but this was merely 13 minutes of subversive bliss to most of the 300+ silent dancers that converged on Faneuil Hall this past Saturday afternoon. Unlike most clubs, everyone was anxious to join the nearest awkward stranger in the synchronized yet messy groove that ensued. Although the participants had very "flexible" definitions of the beginning of 1:00 pm, all muddled through with aplomb. Some of the timing could be faked and had impressive effect for participant and viewer alike, but the various pointing directions looked messy and chaotic.In the end, it was exactly what dancing should be -- a celebration of life and community no matter how bad everyone dances.

WTF?   Would somebody please tell me the next time that the Banditos Misteriosos (AKA The Weekly Dig) are having their next get together so I can hire some high school bullies to heckle the shit out of them?    I mean this isn’t the University of Vermont.  Just because you’re a social outcast that doesn’t give you the right to start Phishing out in Faneuil Hall.    If you want to have a silent dance party be my guest.  But do me a favor and keep it refined to Central Square.   That’s where you guys live.   Faneuil Hall belongs to the meatheads and hot trashy girls.   End of story.

NJ.com - The Red Sox open this season against the Oakland A's in Japan. Appearing on Boston radio station WEEI last Friday, Epstein said, "Kevin Brown and Mike Mussina spent the whole time bitching about it ... and by the time the Yankees team got back from the trip they were all using it as a crutch." Told of the comments, Mussina said sarcastically, "Yeah, we used it as an excuse for winning the division."

Man, Theo is getting real comfortable huh?   He wins a couple championships and suddenly he is openly bashing the Yankees and calling Mike Mussina a bad apple.  Personally I love it!  The Yankees are like our little bitch now.   Hey Mike if you don’t like being called a bad apple how about doing something about it?  Maybe win a big game for once?    Or try staying in the starting rotation for an entire season.   Or how about winning a championship?  Maybe that will get Theo to bite his tongue.   But until then just shut up and take your medicine like a man because we own your ass.

As a side note if the Sox win the World Series this year are we officially a dynasty?   I think we are right?   I mean 3 championships in 5 years as good as it gets in today’s modern day game.    Even Yankee fans will have to tip their hat to us and call us their master.  After all we’ll probably never see a run like this for the rest of this century.   

PS - George Bush was pretty funny with the Sox yesterday at the White House.

"I'm sorry Manny Ramirez, isn't here. I guess his grandmother died again,"

Pretty good. I didn't know George W had that in him.

I've got a thing for names that form a complete sentence. "Pete rose." "Ernie banks." "Rocco, mediate." "Larry, play fair." "Vikki blows."

Click here to see much more of Vikki...