Random Thoughts

Continuing Barstool's countdown to Valentine's Day of the best looking wives and girlfriends of famous athletes. Because we're all about the love here. We're like the Harlequin Romance novel of irreverent sports blogs.

This is Willa Ford. The Bad Girl of Pop and "Dancing with the Stars" dropout is married to a hockey player apparently. Click here to see Willa's gallery...

I have a simple question: Is this guy for real? Is he tooling on the news reporter or is this really his native language? Because if I had to talk this way for more than ten seconds I'd be exhausted, mentally and physically. Still my goal today is to work "Pitted, bro... so pitted" in a sentence at least once.

On a related note, Spicoli was the crowning achievement of Sean Penn's career. He was way better in "Ridgemont High" than he was in "Mystic River. Thanks to Andrew M. for the surfer guy clip.

Quick question. Is there any chick on the planet who thinks this dude's hat is a hot look? It can't be right?

I found this clip today while stumbling around Youtube, it’s the CBS introduction to the #1 vs. #2 showdown from September 1986 between #2 Miami, led by Vinny Testaverde, and the defending National Champions, #1 Oklahoma, led of course by “The Boz”.  Now right off the bat, like 5 seconds into the clip, Oklahoma runs some kind of kicking drill I have no idea what the fuck that was.  Does anyone?  The ball goes flying over everybody’s head.  Then a few seconds after that The Boz makes his first appearance, but then after that, brace yourself, Vinny comes riding in on his Vespa like an old North Ender on disability.  Look at him, he's the happiest man in America at that moment in time. Also, I think I have those socks.

Anyway if you’re not fired up by the classic 80’s duo of Brent Musburger and Phil Collins here, you better check your pulse.  And in case you forgot, Miami won the game 28-16 in The OB.

WASHINGTON: Pitching great Roger Clemens dismissed as unfounded new claims of evidence offered by his former trainer - including broken needles and bloody gauze pads - that Clemens used performance-enhancing drugs. McNamee's attorneys distributed to congressional staffers and to reporters afterwards photographs of needles, gauze pads and a syringe McNamee contends he used while injecting Clemens with steroids and human growth hormone in 2000 and 2001.

Dear Roger,

You know you don't have a bigger fan than me. I've admired you and followed your career more than Kathy Bates loved James Caan in "Misery." So I hope you realize I'm on your side when I give you this piece of advice:

Go before congress and lie through your teeth. Tell the government you never juiced up. Point your finger at them, Palmeiro-style. I know it's not in your nature to lie, but try to fall back on experience. Lie like you did when you said you were in shape your last four years in Boston. Lie like when you went toToronto and said it wasn't for the money, you wanted to be closer to home. Or when you said McNamara pulled you in Game 6 against your will. Lie like all those times when you signed with the highest bidder and said you did it out of loyalty or respect for Joe Torre or your bizarre Andy Pettitte fetish.

Because if you come clean and admit you're a juicer, the world will shrug their shoulders and say "Who cares? Everyone uses." But if you lie to congress under oath they'll throw your fat ass into the Stoney Lonesome, you fraud.

Your pal,

Jerry Thornton

So last night after Mardi Gras I was driving back to Abington at 2:30am when I get a call from an unrecognized number.   Since I had nothing else going on at the time I answered it.  Turns out it was a girl (former smoke show of the day) calling to thank me and say she had a great time.    Naturally I said no problem; glad she came blah, blah, blah.    Well one thing led to another and we were on the phone until almost 4am!   4am!!!   Now keep in the mind my previous record for longest documented phone call was like 7 minutes back in 2002 and that was with my bookie.   So needless to say this was very unusual for me.  I’m totally not a phone guy.  But the bottom-line is that if a hot chick calls me late night I’m not hanging up until I figure out what is going on.  But after 60 minutes of talking about absolutely nothing (literally nothing) I finally decided to cut to the chase.  I flat out asked her if she was flirting with me and sneaky had an El Pres crush going on because this was borderline nuts.   Her answer was absolutely not and that she just wanted to be friends.    So here I was going on over an hour with a girl who was trying to be my friend.   Awesome!   When are girls going to learn?   There is no such thing as a platonic friendship unless the girl is ugly and who wants to be friends with ugly girls?  The only reason a guy would ever hang around with a hot girl under the friendship guise is because they think there is a chance of getting laid.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.   And I don’t have enough time or energy to fake like we’re great buddies.   So for all you ladies out there, be forewarned that platonic friendship is out of the question with El Pres.  We can be acquaintances, but definitely not pals.    And just as an FYI to all you naive girls out there, there is no dude on the planet who hangs out with you just because you have a great personality.   100 out of 100 times they have visions of getting in your pants down the road.   Welcome to the real world.

Inside Track - New England Patriots[team stats] wide receiver Wes Welker, sporting a Red Sox[team stats] cap, signing autographs at Macy’s in Downtown Crossing.

I'm not sure how they do it in Miami Wes, but it's way too soon to be signing autographs at Macys. I don't want to see any Patriots doing anything until at least April. They should all be holed up in their apartments living in darkness and eating Roman Noodles. I mean the Pats almost killed Jerry for god sakes. Let him get back on his feet first before you start making public appearances.

PS - For those of you boycotting the Herald because of Tomase it's time to move on. We need to start the healing process.

Kokomo High School's swimming coach is in police custody on child pornography charges. Court documents accuse Hindson of hiding a video camera in the girls' locker room at Kokomo High School and videotaping at least one of them undressing. Those documents said this came to light after Hindson sold his computer  to Jackie McSwain, a North Carolina woman who found the child pornography files. McSwain saved them under a new folder called "Brian's going to jail".

You know how sometimes on TV cop dramas they arrest some guy and they confront him with all the evidence and get him to spill his guts? And the perp will tell them everything, lay out for them all the sordid details of his crime spree and then say he's relieved his days of running are finally over? And they always say "I wanted to get caught." Well I never bought into that. I could never imagine anyone wanting to get caught. Until now. I'm no Freudian, but I'd say it's a mortal lock that any guy who sells his computer and leaves a file on it labeled "Brian's going to jail" pretty much wants to go to jail. By the way, nice job by the Kokomo school system's personnel department. This guy's got a look in his eye that just screams "pedophile." His interview should've gone like this:

School Dept: "Brian, if we hire you to be our swimming coach, you're going to surreptitiously video girls in the locker room, aren't you?"

Brian: "What? N-no... Ah, who am I kidding? Yeah, I will. I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that, but you got me. That's why I want the job. Thanks for your time..."

By the way, if the Texas Tech swim coach sells his computer, I'll outbid anyone.

A few months back I posed the question of how many weeks of straight drinking qualify as an official bender, and the answer, as voted by you the fans, came to 3 weeks.  Now today I have a similar question.  I was talking to this chick the other night about a particular local bar and she says to me, “Oh, I love (name of bar).  I’m a regular!”  Now I’m saying to myself, I’m in that place every f*cking night and I haven’t seen this girl once.  Of course what I actually said was “Oh, I must have missed you, it gets kind of dark…”  But the point is that you can’t just go around saying you’re a regular at a bar when you only drink there once a month.  It’s just not right, and frankly, it's offensive. 

In my mind, twice a week and then you can call yourself a regular. Anything more and you're probably an alcoholic, but anything less and you’re just a dude in a bar. Using the ratings system below, vote on how many times a week do you have to go to a bar before you're considered a regular.

This video is a great teaching tool for every coach in America.   The bottom line  is that just like how the music doesn’t stop when some Arabic dancer falls into a bottomless pit neither can you.  It’s a metaphor for life really.   

I'm sure lots of people are going to be asking how Mardi Gras was last night. Just like Arnold we had lots of beautiful mulatto's, lots of dudes grabbing chicks asses who wanted nothing to do with them and lots of girls performing fellatio on mini carrots. Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

- Thanks to Sara for the best video of the week....

"Lost" was back last night for its second episode of the season. The show has had an up & down run, but the first episode last week was a reason to be optimistic. Plus until the writer's strike is settled, "Lost" will be the only show on TV with new episodes. One thing we gleaned from last week's show is that in the 40-something days they've been on the island, Hurley has gotten twice as fat, Jack is four times more annoying, Locke has aged 10 years, and Kate is every bit the smokeshow she was when Oceanic 815 went off course.

To see much more of Evangeline Lilly, click here...