College students drink larger amounts of alcohol on football game days, according to research from The University of Texas at Austin. Psychologists found those women, particularly lighter drinkers, were more likely to engage in risky behaviors following alcohol consumption. The researchers found students were especially likely to drink more during high-profile games against conference or national rivals.

Wait. Let me get this straight: College students drink? Alcohol? On college football game days? And sometimes this "drinking" of this "alcohol" causes women to lose their inhibitions? Has anyone else heard of this?

All I can assume is that this is some new phenomenon that just hasn't yet become common knowlege. It certainly hadn't crossed my radar until now. And by God someone's got to put a stop to this. Otherwise before you know it, college football Saturdays will lead to widespread fun, reckless enjoyment and carefree sexual pleasure.

So thank you, U. of Texas researchers. This was an excellent use of taxpayers money and your country owes you our heartfelt thanks. We all look forward to your next study: "Pornography Leads to Masturbation."