Random Thoughts
Don't Cry for Josh Beckett
I guess I should be really worked up about the fact that CC Sabathia kicked the crap out of Josh Beckett in the AL Cy Young voting than I am. But I just can't seem to whip myself into a lather over this. I mean, their stats were almost identical:
- Beckett: 20-7, 3.27, 194 Ks
- Sabathia: 19-7, 3.21, 209 Ks
And I suppose I could pick nits and say that I'm surprised that given the fact you couldn't shine a flashlight between their numbers that Sabathia pulled off such a landslide (19 out of 28 first place votes). But I just don't have the fight for it.
One reason might be that I remember too many Novembers where the only satisfaction a Sox fan took was these individual awards (Mo Vaughn's MVP in 1995, Clemens' and Pedro's Cys, and Nomar's 1997 ROY come quickly to mind). I spent too many winters gloating over these sorts of consolation prizes only to have smug assholic Yankee fans laugh at me because their teams never win individual awards, they just win championships.
Well I'm ready to laugh now. I'm sorry for Beckett; I love the guy and think he deserves better. But what this really means now is that Sabathia is a future trivia answer who'll be better remembered for wetting himself in the ALCS. And Beckett will have to console himself with another World Series ring, a reputation as the greatest postseason pitcher ever, and the fact that he can continue to pull tail like Alyssa Milano, Leann Tweeden and Danielle Peck. Somehow I think he'll be just fine.
Wyoming Coach Flips Utah the Bird
LARAMIE, Wyo. -- Wyoming coach Joe Glenn apologized Monday for making an obscene gesture to the Utah team after the Utes tried an onside kick while ahead by 43 points. Glenn was reprimanded by the Mountain West Conference later in the day and Utah coach Kyle Whittingham acknowledged the onside kick with a 43-0 lead was a "bad decision." Glenn, who had publicly guaranteed a victory last week, was furious when the Utes tried to get the ball right back after Louie Sakoda's 41-yard field goal with 6:21 left in the third quarter.Wyoming recovered the onside kick and Glenn gave the finger to the Utes, who went on to win 50-0 in Salt Lake City. After the loss Saturday, Glenn said he didn't remember the gesture, but on Monday acknowledged it. "I met with my team on Sunday and apologized to them for the gesture I made toward the Utah bench during the game," Glenn said in a statement. "I also want to apologize to all fans for that action. Football is an emotional game, and I let my emotions get the best of me," he said. "I felt it was appropriate for me to let my team and all fans know that I am truly sorry for that emotional moment."
This is what sports is all about. Somebody makes a guarantee, the other team hangs 50 on them and suddenly everybody is flipping the bird. I love it. But the Wyoming coach shouldn’t have to apologize for giving the Utes the finger after that onsides kick. If that’s not a give the bird situation than I don’t know what is. Now guaranteeing victory and then losing by 50 is a totally different story. That’s a fireable offense in my opinion. I mean how can you have any credibility in life when you make a prediction like that and then get your dick stomped on? The prediction is what the coach should be apologizing for, not flipping the bird. And oh by the way, I don’t blame the Utah coach for calling for the onside kick at all. Listen if somebody guarantees victory on your ass you owe to yourself, your family and your team to try and run it up as much as humanly possible. You want to try and make a fool out of me? How about we hang 50 on your ass and see how that feels.
Old Bag Hassled by Weymouth Cops
From the Herald:
Renee Moffat, 72, told the Weymouth parking Nazis the truth. And that was her downfall....Twice she appealed her $100 ticket for parking in a handicapped space before the Weymouth parking board. On both occasions, Renee explained how she’d been late for a prescribed physical therapy appointment at the Weymouth Health Club and, as she was hobbling into the club, she forgot to pull her driver’s visor all the way down, so as to fully display her handicapped placard. The Weymouth parking Nazis said “Nein” twice. “I found them to be a very snippy and arrogant bunch,” Renee said. “When I told them that my placard was in the visor, all they said was, ‘Well, you can’t expect a police officer to go looking for it.’ "
Just so I have this straight, Renee: You parked in a handicapped spot in Weymouth without displaying your placard and the Weymouth cops are hassling you for it? Get out!
By that I mean: Pack your shit and get out. I grew up in Weymouth and you obviously aren't cut out for life in my hometown. The Weymouth PD treated me rudely and unfairly...wah wah wah... As Pedro once said, "Where you been, man?" The rest of us figured that out when we reached the age of reason, which for me was the day they confiscated our beers in the high school parking lot and my buddy Duke said "Hey, pal...I pay your salary!" That's the day we found out why they have special issue of those 3 foot-long, 12 "D" battery flashlights (hint: they're not for seeing in the dark).
Back in the day there was a Phoenix-like weekly hippie rag called "The Real Paper" that had a cover article featuring a bucolic Weymouth scene of a pristine white church with an old stone library in the back that said "The most brutal police force in MA lives here." Every leather-clad Freak in school carried that paper around like a Medal of Honor. So take the hint, Renee. Don't move to Alaska and bitch to the Eskimos about the long winter. If you can't take getting hassled by The Man, then screw. Move to Abington.
New Study Finds That Big Boobs Equal Big Brains?
BBC.com - Women with curvy figures are likely to be brighter than waif-like counterparts and may well produce more intelligent offspring, a US study suggests. Researchers studied 16,000 women and girls and found the more voluptuous performed better on cognitive tests - as did their children. The bigger the difference between a woman's waist and hips the better.
Wait a minute. Are they saying that skinny chicks with big boobs are smarter than skinny chicks with no tits? Because I think I have years of research that would contradict this philosophy. Now if they’re saying that chicks with big waists and big hips along with big boobs (AKA FAT CHICKS) are smarter than skinny chicks well than no shit. I don’t think we really needed a study to tell us this. I mean have you walked through Harvard Square or MIT before? Tons of smart fat chicks floating around those parts. But this has nothing to do with genetics. Fat chicks just have more time on their hands to hit the books while cute chicks are out fucking. It’s more social Darwinism than anything else.
Thanks to bookofass.com
Schilling Talks to Dennis Miller
I haven't heard anyone else talking about it, but Dennis Miller has an all sports show that debuted on Versus last week. It's called "Sports Unfiltered" and the second show is on tonight at 10:30. I can' t wait. I caught the one episode and I'm already hooked. Like at the end of the show he does this bit like the one he did on SNL where shows pictures and gives the captions. He showed one of Brady shaking Manning's hand and said "Good game Peyton. My best to the wife and kids. Now I'm off to bang the hottest woman on the planet." Gold.
But I love Miller. Always have. I might be the only guy in America who loved when he was on Monday Night Football. Like the first game he did, the Hall of Fame game when he referred to Canton as "the Tigris and the Euphrates of the NFL." Or the time he said "Dick Vermeil cried like Sylvia Plath getting pepper sprayed" and I had to google her name to find out she was a poet who killed herself. Was he a football expert? No. But Randy Cross is, and he's an unlistenable buffoon. Miller came across as a fan who was enjoying the hell out of himself, which worked for me. But I know I'm on an island on this, just like I'm the only one I know who likes Tony Kornheiser on MNF and thought the night Letterman hosted was the only Oscar telecast I ever enjoyed.
On an unrelated note, Kornheiser had a good point the other day. The deal Schilling negotiated for himself; the same money as last year but only if he hits the incentives, is the exact same deal Joe Torre took as an "insult." Why do people not like Schilling again?
Gary Daniels and Verne Lundquist Doing Their SEC Rain Dance
Aren’t these the same guys who take America hostage every year and convince everybody that the SEC is the best conference in America? Hmm, maybe it’s time to rethink listening to these fools?
Tuesday Kick In the Balls; Pauly Shore Has A Smoking Hot Girlfriend
Let me ask you something. How the fuck does Pauly Shore have a smoke show girlfriend like this? Talk about a kick in the balls! I mean does this chick know that Pauly Shore is a joke? Doesn't she realize that he’s a flabby bag of shit? At least get in shape or something Pauly.
Fuck me, my life sucks.
Has Anybody Ever Heard of Taking A Shit AC Slater Style?
A reader sent me a link with the following post on a body builder message board. It’s obviously fake, but it’s hilarious nonetheless.
“Guys this is probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I was at my girlfriend’s house tonight for dinner, and shortly after I had to go #2. My Gf's brother was in the downstairs bathroom, so I went upstairs to use the master bathroom. I was about to take a dump, and I remembered something my friend told me called AC Slatering. AC Slatering is when you take a dump facing backwards on the toilet, just how on saved by the bell AC Slater always sat backwards on a chair. So when I was taking a dump, my stomach was facing the back of the toilet, and my back was facing the door. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and began to get nervous. Since AC Slatering is a tough position to get into, it requires taking off your pants. So there I am sitting in my GF's parent’s bathroom taking a dump with my pants off and facing the wrong way on the toilet. My dump was about halfway out when the footsteps became closer. I then turned around to see that I had not locked the door. Trying to finish as quickly as I could, I began pushing harder and harder. Suddenly, the door opened, and my gf's mom stood there in shock staring at me. We made eye contact for a split second, and I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. I quickly finished up, got dressed, and ran out of the house as quickly as I could. I am expecting my gf to break up with me tomorrow. I am so embarrassed and I hope my gf doesn’t blabber about this, Ill die if anyone else finds out.”
AC Slatering? I’ve never heard of that before. And even though I know this story is totally fake, I can’t help but feel like this is something I need to do before I die or at least before I get married. Maybe I’ll go AC Slatering all weekend long at my bachelor party. Because one thing is clear. You haven’t lived until you’ve taken a dump AC Slater style.
I have no idea what could have possessed this guy to suddenly take a backwards dump in his girlfriend's parent's bathroom. The whole thing seems dumb, but I believe the story.
Prez, I feel as if you call shenanigans on about 75% of the stories that are sent to you.
don't care if it is fake... great story.
Hmmmm- this sounds like something that should be done on company time.
Very creative. I guess it it better than getting Screeched. Ask Screech's wife about that.
at least the mom didn't catch him Top Shelfing it.
also known as "The Upper Decker"
obviously it's fake. Pretty sure I said it was fake. It's still funny
Never heard of it...Not sure why anyone would want to shit that way unless you wanted to lay your reading material on the top of the tank lid. I'm not sure even that would be worth it.
I'm trying this when I get home tonight.
i've heard of "the ac slater dump". but the thing makes no sense. it's not funny since no one can witness it, and it serves no purpose other than to take a dump. i can't see it being comfortable.
fuck mario lopez
I prefer to remove my shirt when I'm dropping one off. The pants seem a little much though.
To complete a true Slater you have to snake your pants beneath the toilet's water basin and put them back on your legs. Then you have to act like a complete douche bag. Seems that part wouldn't be a problem for a lot of the commenters here.
Reynolds - this is not an Upper Decker. The name alone should tell you what the actual maneuver involves.
for the record, Raj from What's Happening? owns the backwards chair patent, so this should be called Raj-ing. sounds better anyway
OK, I'll relay a story which may explain why the guy (allegedly) did this.
My roommate worked at Mass General when we first graduated from college in a lab doing research. One of the grad students he worked with, a Serb named Alex (it's only important that he's from Serbia so you can imagine the accent), would routinely take a piss in the sink rather than going in the toilet like a normal person.
My friend thought this was bizarre and asked why he did it. Alex's response after thinking about it for a moment:
"Why do I peese in deh seenk? Just to be cool..."
So even though nobody witnesses it, I guess the guy can brag about it to his friends, or at a minimum, he can smile quietly to himself secure in the knowledge of his aberrant defecating habits.
I've heard of AC Milan.
Jon Bon, I meant Upper Decker is the same as Top Shelfing it. See Ted Dancin's post above mine...
Reynolds,
The whiskey was pretty quiet.. I was not really looking around as i had picked up a chick from the airport. Ended up having a few there and then drove back to NH and drank some more.
The brain cells are working reaalllllllllly slowly today!
Why the fuck didn't the mom knock? Regardless if I was "AC Slatering" or taking a normal dump, I'd be livid that she just walked in! Btw, anyone who joins a bodybuilding messageboard and avatars themselves in various poses, is a queer.
That's too bad, Frenchy. Monday night is tough; especially when it's a sub-standard MNF game. You'd probably be better off doing your intra-week booze-ups on a Wednesday or Thursday. At least on a Thursday you just have to make it through Friday which a lot of people mail in anyway.
Pres, when the stripper is straddling your lap like a backwards chair at your bachelor party, be sure to tell her she's riding you Slater style.
side note, my buddy always leaves by saying " A Cya Slater" and its fucking annoying.
Oh absolutly, but the girl is from Cali and is used to go out every night, Plus who am i to say no if she wants to go out drinking....
That guy's a jackass. Slatering or not, he went up into the parents bathroom to take a dump and he neglected to lock the door. The mom's under no obligation to knock entering her own master bath.
And you can bet your ass it looked more like some kind of wacky maturbation technique to her than simply sitting on the can—he's screwed and deservedly so.
I Slatered many times at the house I grew up in because there was a mirror behind the toilet. I could pop my zits, check out how little my facial hair was growing in. Basically enjoy the beauty.
That is hilarious. I bet your mom would be cleaning the zit shit of the mirror and wonder to herself if her little Soog was a Slaterer.
"Why do I peese in deh seenk? Just to be cool..."
Holy shit, that is hilarious.
My friends and I had to "reverse dump" in Germany when we went to Oktoberfest last year. WTF is up with European toilets? There is some sort of shit inspection deck you drop ass onto - so it just sits there in the air till you flush it down. Great idea. When you sit backwords it goes right in the water - the preferred method IMHO. Highly recommend AC Slatering in Europe.
Reynolds, pissing in the sink at the old (only) Garden was a rite of passage growing up in this city because of the lack of pisspots. I was at a Stanley Cup game in Tampa in '04 and had to use the pisser. The line was huge, I was shitfaced and didn't want to wait so I announced I was going "Boston Garden-style" so people knew I wasn't cutting the line. They were horrified to see me whip out my hog in front of the sink. I couldn't have been prouder...
What happens if you get too excited while pushing it out too quickly and just shit all over your ankles? Not fun anymore.
Rearadmiral, that doesn't surprise me at all. One of my big regrets is never having gotten to the Garden before they tore it down (1 year after I moved here).
No, the bizarre part about this Alex guy is that he did this in the sink in the lab with a perfectly good single bathroom with a door that locks right down the hall. I guess when your doing lab work late at night you get really bored.
There'll never be arenas like the Garden anymore. Sorry you missed it.
Alex is strange. No need for that unless the other john is taken.
Yes, exactly. My friend described him as 'the smartest scumbag I've ever met'.
I'm sure when he wasn't wearing the lab coat he was kicking the whole purple and green track suit and shower shoes look.
Reynolds, I think I work with your friend Alex.
Serbian, and doesn't give a shit... although I guess in Serbia, Alex is a popular name.
OK, I'm sure I'm sure I'm going to regret asking this, but what in the hell is "top shelfing" and "upper decker".
An upper-decker (aka top shelfing) is when you're at some random party and you're either kind of shit faced and gliding into asshole mode and/or the host for friend of the host somehow pissed you off, and you feel a shit coming on. You find a bathroom in the home that is receiving occasional use during the party - not the primary party bathroom so not to get caught, but not one way back in the house so that no one uses it that evening and you can't enjoy the disgusting yet hilarious antics that ensue.
So you find bathroom #2, and proceed to do a #2. Only, not in the tolie, or never AC Slater style, but in the tank, taking off the lid and resting those sweet quivering cheeks on the frame, then lettings your bowels unless themselves onto the water and piping below. Quickly wipe and discard your waste, remember Not to Flush, and sneak out the same way you sneeked in, hoping, dare I say praying to his Holiness, that no one is waiting for you to finish.
If all goes well, some unsuspecting party-goer will use the can some minutes later, and that shit will begin and continue to recycle through the toliet's flushing system, turning that water dank, brown, and smelly, and horrifying all future users and the host, but amusing everyone else with a sick sense of humor, especially you.
There is a practical application to the reverse dump. If you've got the wicked shits in the middle of the night and want to catch a nap between ass spasms, you can lay your head down on the tank and doze off.
Stoolified, an upper decker is taking a shit in the upper tank. The turd never quite flushes away and the smell gets to be disturbing. What's great is it usually takes the victim weeks to open the top tank to find the shit missile that's causing the funk. It's something to be executed at a dinner party or large gathering at someone's home you have to tolerate in your life due to family or work obligations that you'd otherwise kill.
That's classic, I can't believe I've never heard of that before, I can't wait to spring it on my enemies.
The Slater sounds like a major recipe for skidmarked porcelain, especially in the newer low-water-usage shitters. Not worth it.
Also, once that kid was caught, why didn't he just show the mom his hog? At that point, he's got nothing to lose. Could have been party time.
I can't wait to spring it on my enemies.
— stoolified, Nov 13 2007, 2:57 pm
Fucking hilarious
'There is a practical application to the reverse dump. If you've got the wicked shits in the middle of the night and want to catch a nap between ass spasms, you can lay your head down on the tank and doze off.'
- pcguru19
extremely well played
Rookies.... you also turn the water supply off to the tank.
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Colts Announcer Butchers The Call of the Vinatieri Game Losing Field Goal
I’ve watched this video 100 times and it never gets old. You can almost feel this guys balls shriveling up into his stomach when he realized how bad he fucked up. It may be my favorite sports call of all time. "It’s good! It’s good!Oh wait a minute….It’s no good. I’m sorry. I’m such an asshole."
Where are you going for your bachelor party, el pres?