I am 30 years old and not even close to married.   Now the First Lady thinks she has the inside track on getting a ring, but things just got a lot more interesting thanks to Marryourdaughter.org. (notice the .org to signify a charity organization) In a gift to men across the United States marryyourdaughter.org has simplified the process of finding a wife.  No more dating and all the bullshit that comes with it.  Nope, now you can just buy your fiancee 3^rd world style.  Frankly it’s an idea that’s time has come.   And just to show my support, I just proposed to Melissa (one of the broads for sale) for 10 grand.  Her family was asking $34,000 but I got a feeling she may bite.    Anyway here is why I decided that she should be my slave over the other chicks on the site.

Kyra A. Age: 14 ½, Location: Southeast Bride Price: $27,995 Kyra likes the outdoors, more the open air of the beach or the desert than the woods.  She would love to live somewhere away from it all.  She is bright and funny and full of life and while she has little direct experience with the opposite sex we have made sure she is aware of everything she needs to know to be a good wife and mother.

I know this sounds rude, but  if I’m going to buy a slave they better be hot.   This chick just isn’t pretty enough to warrant the 28 thousand dollar asking price.   

Ashlee R. Age: 15, Location: Midwest Bride Price: $37,500 Ashlee is into sports, clothes, jewelry and current pop music.  She is a typical teenage girl except that she is impatient to get on with her life, which she sees as having a husband and raising kids.  She tells us none of the boys her own age are interesting to her because they “are still little kids” and she is looking for an adult to start a life with.

Ashlee is into clothes and jewelry?  No thanks honey.   Kitchen and bedroom.  That’s what you should be interested in.  And frankly it’s bad form to mention your likes and interests anyway.  This isn’t a Myspace.  This is marryourdaughter.org.  Stupid girl.

Kristin J. Age: 16, Location: South Bride Price: $49,995 Kristin has a wild streak.  She likes parties and has spent more time with boys than we’d have liked her to.  We had a family talk and decided that it was time she settled down with a man who could meet her needs and help her fulfill her dreams of being an actor or singer.  She’s a bit fiery but worth it.

So let me get this straight?  Basically I’m paying 50 grand for a slut?   Pass.

Makayla S. Age: 15, Location: Midwest Bride Price: $24,995 Makayla was named after her grandmother and takes after her in a lot of ways.  She’s a traditional girl, a homebody who cooks like a chef and decorates like Martha Stewart.  She also has a cheerful, upbeat outlook on life and spends a lot of time laughing.  She says she is looking for a man with a sense of humor to take care of.

I’m not going to lie to you.  I was a big fan of Makayla’s profile.   But that photo kind of freaked me out.     I mean this “boo” pose is the first thing you want your future master to see?   Something just doesn’t add up.

Gabriella M. Age: 17, Location: Southeast Bride Price: $19,995 Gaby has traveled a lot and seen enough of the world to realize that America is where she wants to live and while all she needs is one good man to be a good wife to, she graduated high school a year early and intends to go to college so her husband would have to be okay with that.

So close but so far.  Gabriella had everything I was looking for right up until the college part.  Who is going to pay for that?   And since when are we encouraging thinking in our women?

Melissa D. Age: 15, Location: South Bride Price: $34,995 Melissa’s father died when she was three and her mother when she was ten; she’s been living with family since then. She is polite and thoughtful young lady and the winner of several local beauty contests.   She is tired of being “down on the farm” and would prefer the bright lights and big city lifestyle, but most of all wants a man who can take care of her.

Beauty contest winner?  Both parents dead?  No in-laws?  Ding, ding ding!  I think we have a winner.    Like I said I think $35,000 is a little bit steep, but if they accept my $10,000 offer than I’m in.   Hopefully the First Lady won’t mind moving out of her parents in-law apartment to make room for Melissa D.    I’m pretty sure she’d understand.

P.S - Yeah, I know this website is fake, but a man can dream right?