Random Thoughts

Apparently this is some sort of rookie hazing for the Red Sox.  I’m not quite sure what I think of it.    I guess I’m kind of surprised that they allowed cameras into the locker room to get footage of this.   But whatever floats your boat.   I know when we have rookie hazing day at the Stool we ban all cameras and video recorders.  I don’t want anybody getting the wrong idea about us.  Regardless, the best part is clearly Okijima and his interpreter dressed like a Teletubbies.  That was Okijima right? 

Marissa Tomei

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UNION CITY, Ga. (AP) -- A McDonald's employee spent a night in jail and is facing criminal charges because a police officer's burger was too salty, so salty that he says it made him sick. Kendra Bull was arrested Friday, charged with misdemeanor reckless conduct and freed on $1,000 bail. Bull, 20, said she accidentally spilled salt on hamburger meat and told her supervisor and a co-worker, who "tried to thump the salt off."  On her break, she ate a burger made with the salty meat. "It didn't make me sick," Bull told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. But then Police Officer Wendell Adams got a burger made with the oversalted meat, and he returned a short time later and told the manager it made him sick. Police said samples of the burger to the state crime lab for tests.

What was this some type of super salt or something?   I mean if salt spills on a hamburger and a professional manager at McDonalds "thumps it out" you just got to assume that the salt would fall to the ground and the hamburgers would be edible.  Therefore, I don’t blame Ms. Bull at all for this incident.  Plus if she ate it herself you can’t get mad at her for serving it.  That’s rule #1 of the fast food business.   If you will eat it, you can serve it.  This is just a classic case of a cop on a power trip.   Unless of course the crime lab turns up something different like there was no thumping involved at all.   Then all bets are off.

- Thank to Soog for the tip

I am 30 years old and not even close to married.   Now the First Lady thinks she has the inside track on getting a ring, but things just got a lot more interesting thanks to Marryourdaughter.org. (notice the .org to signify a charity organization) In a gift to men across the United States marryyourdaughter.org has simplified the process of finding a wife.  No more dating and all the bullshit that comes with it.  Nope, now you can just buy your fiancee 3^rd world style.  Frankly it’s an idea that’s time has come.   And just to show my support, I just proposed to Melissa (one of the broads for sale) for 10 grand.  Her family was asking $34,000 but I got a feeling she may bite.    Anyway here is why I decided that she should be my slave over the other chicks on the site.

Kyra A. Age: 14 ½, Location: Southeast Bride Price: $27,995 Kyra likes the outdoors, more the open air of the beach or the desert than the woods.  She would love to live somewhere away from it all.  She is bright and funny and full of life and while she has little direct experience with the opposite sex we have made sure she is aware of everything she needs to know to be a good wife and mother.

I know this sounds rude, but  if I’m going to buy a slave they better be hot.   This chick just isn’t pretty enough to warrant the 28 thousand dollar asking price.   

Ashlee R. Age: 15, Location: Midwest Bride Price: $37,500 Ashlee is into sports, clothes, jewelry and current pop music.  She is a typical teenage girl except that she is impatient to get on with her life, which she sees as having a husband and raising kids.  She tells us none of the boys her own age are interesting to her because they “are still little kids” and she is looking for an adult to start a life with.

Ashlee is into clothes and jewelry?  No thanks honey.   Kitchen and bedroom.  That’s what you should be interested in.  And frankly it’s bad form to mention your likes and interests anyway.  This isn’t a Myspace.  This is marryourdaughter.org.  Stupid girl.

Kristin J. Age: 16, Location: South Bride Price: $49,995 Kristin has a wild streak.  She likes parties and has spent more time with boys than we’d have liked her to.  We had a family talk and decided that it was time she settled down with a man who could meet her needs and help her fulfill her dreams of being an actor or singer.  She’s a bit fiery but worth it.

So let me get this straight?  Basically I’m paying 50 grand for a slut?   Pass.

Makayla S. Age: 15, Location: Midwest Bride Price: $24,995 Makayla was named after her grandmother and takes after her in a lot of ways.  She’s a traditional girl, a homebody who cooks like a chef and decorates like Martha Stewart.  She also has a cheerful, upbeat outlook on life and spends a lot of time laughing.  She says she is looking for a man with a sense of humor to take care of.

I’m not going to lie to you.  I was a big fan of Makayla’s profile.   But that photo kind of freaked me out.     I mean this “boo” pose is the first thing you want your future master to see?   Something just doesn’t add up.

Gabriella M. Age: 17, Location: Southeast Bride Price: $19,995 Gaby has traveled a lot and seen enough of the world to realize that America is where she wants to live and while all she needs is one good man to be a good wife to, she graduated high school a year early and intends to go to college so her husband would have to be okay with that.

So close but so far.  Gabriella had everything I was looking for right up until the college part.  Who is going to pay for that?   And since when are we encouraging thinking in our women?

Melissa D. Age: 15, Location: South Bride Price: $34,995 Melissa’s father died when she was three and her mother when she was ten; she’s been living with family since then. She is polite and thoughtful young lady and the winner of several local beauty contests.   She is tired of being “down on the farm” and would prefer the bright lights and big city lifestyle, but most of all wants a man who can take care of her.

Beauty contest winner?  Both parents dead?  No in-laws?  Ding, ding ding!  I think we have a winner.    Like I said I think $35,000 is a little bit steep, but if they accept my $10,000 offer than I’m in.   Hopefully the First Lady won’t mind moving out of her parents in-law apartment to make room for Melissa D.    I’m pretty sure she’d understand.

P.S - Yeah, I know this website is fake, but a man can dream right?

We posted this on Sunday. We've gotten a few emails from people linking to it again. Just in case you don't check the Stool on the weekend I wanted to post it again because it's that good. This guy Fitzy lives at www.townienews.com. Frankly I think it should win an Emmy. I'm not even kidding. And just in case some Pats fans aren't Britney fans, here is what this is a knockoff on.

Since the Pats are probably going to go 19-0 this season, we decided it would be fun to start a little segment every Monday which features quotes from around the country of everybody talking about how great we are.    And the best part about it is that you know everybody hates us so much.  (Just read this crybaby from Yahoo) The Pats are like a bully that takes your lunch money every day and when you finally get the courage to stand up and complain they just punch you in the face and send you to the hospital.  It’s almost like we’re the new Raiders only we’re better than the Raiders ever were.   I love it.   In fact I may write a letter to NFL Films to see if they can come up with a version of Autumn Wind for the Pats.   If they ever produced something like this for us it would be the best day of my life.  I could die tomorrow and I’d be happy.

Anyway, my favorite part of last night was the good cop, bad cop routine that Bob Kraft played.  He publicly blathered on and on about how disappointed he was about the whole cheating thing and how it would never happen again.  Meanwhile he leaked the news that he signed Belichick to like a 90 year extension.  In other words, FU Roger Goodell. 

Onto the quotes.   

"I saw what some of the other players [around the league] said. You had all these doubts and all these hypotheticals," said an emotional Tedy Bruschi after the game. "I got a hypothetical for you. Let's get all the players that played with us and bring them back and let's get all the players that you had on those teams and let's play again. We would win again. Period."

"Yeah, that's probably what bothered me the most - something like this happens and then all of the sudden we're less of a team," said Bruschi. "What did you see out there tonight? That's how we are."

"This might be the most satisfying win of all," said an emotional Tedy Bruschi. "I've never been in a situation where people were doubting us, our integrity. I care about that logo, as much as anyone in here. And I care about how we're perceived. What we do is win football games. What we did tonight speaks volumes about who we are."

"He's probably the best coach in the history of the NFL," Brady said of Belichick.

(On how the insinuations that what this team has accomplished is now tarnished made him feel personally)

Like I said, there's just too many battles to fight. I know the truth and I know what I believe, and that's all that's really important. Everyone who's been around here knows that and hopefully everyone who follows us realizes that. But if you don't, then who really cares? Because it's been (proven) for seven years. We've been proving to people for seven years and it's been the same thing. We're not changing what we do. We're going out there and we're trying to go out and execute the best that we can. We're playing a football team like San Diego, who we struggled with so much last year. And we go out and we had a great game plan and we went out and executed it. I don't think we executed it perfectly. There's plenty of things we need to improve - the turnover cost us points, we get the ball on the 25 yard line in the first quarter, no points. There's plenty of things that we need to improve, and that's why we're going to come in and work tomorrow.

“That was an old-fashioned butt-whupping,” center Nick Hardwick said. “We haven't been embarrassed like that in a couple years.”

“I don't remember the last time I felt like this,” LaDainian Tomlinson said.

“We went through a lot this week, but we blocked it out,” Patriots linebacker Tedy Bruschi said. “To come out and win this game after hearing some of the things that were said about our team . . . this victory was for all Patriots teams past and present.”

"I haven't been here the longest, but I've been around long enough … [and] I know this much: You don't wave a red flag in front of this team," said Rosevelt Colvin, who finished with five tackles, two sacks, two forced fumbles, one interception and a pass defensed. "This is a very proud bunch of men in here. I think all this week forced us to do was focus even harder. People outside this locker room kept talking about distractions. Did you see a distracted team out there tonight?"

"They just jumped on us like a spider monkey," San Diego fullback Lorenzo Neal said. "I don't care how you look at it, they just played better than us."

MIAMI, Sept. 12 -- After 4 hours 9 minutes of laboring in the tropical midday heat in a cavernous and virtually empty stadium Wednesday afternoon, the Washington Nationals got stuck with this: a 5-4 loss to the Florida Marlins in 12 innings that was sealed when a .226 reserve player chopped a single through the infield to drive home the winning run. There were perhaps 400 people in attendance. Players seemed both exasperated and exhausted by the fruitless performance that barely anyone was there to see. "It was a long day," said Ryan Church, And "it was an odd day. . . . It was so frigging hot. It was miserable out there."

If you told me when I started Barstool Sports that we’d throw a party that would outdraw a MLB Baseball game I would have said you’re crazy.  But I bet my ass that this Thursday the Barstool Carnival at Ned Devine’s will outdraw this Marlins game last week.   Has the Stool officially arrived or what? 

As a reminder the party starts at 8pm. Basically it is a carnival for adults, Barstool Sports style.    We got everything from sexual psychics, to monkeys to cotton candy.  In addition we will have an open Bud Bar from 8-9pm and this is a no brainer party.  The only catch is you MUST be on our guest list to get in.   If you want to bring friends please have them email us as well instead of just putting plus 6 or whatever.  We need everybody’s name and email.   It makes life much easier.  RSVP at carnival@barstoolsports.com.  You will get a confirmation email if you are on the list within one week.     

Check out all the details at www.barstoolcarnival.com.     It is taking place Thursday September 20^th at Ned Devine’s

The Sun - - EX-BAYWATCH babe PAMELA ANDERSON has admitted she paid off a $125,000 debt with a night of nookie. The blonde mum-of-two, 40, agreed to the mystery man’s “Indecent Proposal” in Las Vegas during a poker game in which she lost the cash. She explained: “He said if I made out with him that would clear the bet. I paid off a poker debt with sexual favours.” It is claimed illusionist’s assistant Antonio ‘The Magician’ Esfandiari may be the man.

A US blog was saying $125,000 dollars while the UK Sun was saying £125,000-pounds. I don't have a conversion chart on me to know which is more, but suffice to say, it's a lot of cash to give up. So is a make out session with Pamela Anderson worth that much? UB would have to see how far it went. 3rd base or more, definitely yes. That would almost be a deal, provided you don't mind Hep-C and feeling like you're reaching into a mailbox thanks to Tommy Lee's appendage. 2nd base, eh...As epic as Pam's tits may have been they are on their 5-6th remodeling at this point. It's like the 3rd chick they brought in to play the blonde on Three's Company. She may still be a hot blonde, but she's not why you started watching the show to begin with. 1st base, nah, I'll take the cash.

As for Pam, if it was this douche on the right, then UB is a little disappointed that she didn't follow his offer with, "Let me just grab my check book..."

HBO Boxing announcer Michael Buffer proposed to his girlfriend Christine on the Tonight Show, and in UB's opinion he totally blew it.

Not in the hot chick department...As you can see above a voice of gold can get you a piece of ass...But in the delivery. How did he not dig down and come out with something more like this:

"Ladies and gentlemen ARE YOU READY!?!? (Pause). In this corner, a 67-year-old ring announcer with bleached teeth and an orange glow. He weighs in at a svelte 125 and 2/4 pounds. His signature call has been patented so that anyone trying to profit from those three little words will be sued by an army of attorneys...Ladies and Gentlemen, the Southern Dandy: MICHAELLLL BUFFFFER!!!! (Pause) His opponent, across the isle, dressed in blue. She's been called "too young to be dating (me)" by her friends and family and has expressed she's okay with a pre-nup. She screams during sex and has the finest chest a career of ring announcing can afford...Ladies and Gentlemen...The Brick Hit House: CHRISTINE!!! The audience in the Burbank, California Tonight Show studio, ARE YOU READY!?!? For the dozens in attendance and the millions watching around the world. Ladies and gentlemen...WILL YOU MARRY MEEEEEEE!?!?!?!?!?"

Bostonherald.com - While he signed autographs before Friday’s series opener, Shelley Duncan exchanged playful banter with some Red Sox [ team stats] fans. In keeping with the spirit of those conversations, he wrote in the notebook of 10-year-old Griffin Whitman, “Red Sox Suck! Shelley Duncan.” Duncan was surprised to learn that Whitman and his parents took offense. “I thought I was back in middle school or high school, where you try to make a joke or say something funny, and you end up saying something that gets you in trouble,” Duncan said before the Yankees’ 4-3 victory last night. “I try to be interactive with people, be funny, have a good time and have a laugh.

See this is the problem with the Yankees.   It’s just a low class organization from top to bottom.   I’m sure Joe Torre will make sort of excuse for this boorish behavior, but it starts at the top.  I mean this poor 10 year old kid comes to Fenway just trying to have a positive experience.  He’s young.  He’s impressionable.   He’s trying to decide whether he loves the game of baseball.   And what does Shelly Duncan do?  He tells the kid to go fuck himself.   Real classy Shelley.  Real fucking classy.   And don’t give me this garbage about it being a joke either.  There is nothing funny about saying the Red Sox suck.   You knew exactly what you were doing.   You were trying to hurt the kid.  Trying to scar him for life and make him cry.   Well Congratulations.   Mission accomplished.  Next time why don’t you try picking on somebody your own size.  Such a coward move.   Typical Yankee shit.

Somebody sent me a link to an article that Jim Caple wrote on ESPN.com a couple weeks ago entitled “Shut Up Red Sox Nation” Here is an excerpt from it;

"While Yankees fans momentarily are neutralized by their recent embarrassing autumns and their current spot in the standings, Red Sox fans, sadly, have taken over the mantle as the most obnoxious fans in sports.I say this as a former Red Sox fan. I spent a good chunk of my teens and early adulthood hating the Yankees and rooting for the Red Sox. I wandered into the rainy streets in stunned silence after the Bill Buckner play in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. I went into my room, closed the door, and fell weeping onto my bed during Game 7 that year. (Mind you, I was 24 at the time and I was crying while there still were two innings left to play.) But Boston fans were different then. They were the tragically loyal fans who always went home disappointed in the end. You might have gotten tired of our whining, but at least we weren't constantly in your face with it. No longer. As soon as the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series, Boston fans took on a swaggering, entitled persona, acting as if they alone invented sports fandom and behaving as if nothing else in baseball mattered but them...

I would say that Red Sox fans need a humbling collapse -- say, blowing a Fourteen game lead in the standings or a 3-0 lead in the ALCS -- but then we would just have to listen to them moan about that for another couple decades. "

Now here is my problem with this article.  It’s not the fact that he wishes ill will against the Red Sox.  It’s not even that he says Sox fans are obnoxious.   Because I’ll readily admit there are lots of bandwagon fans out there and we have our fair share of obnoxious fans just like everybody else.  BUT do me a favor Caple and don’t pretend that you were some die hard Red Sox fan growing up.  That’s a bunch of bullshit.   Because it’s fucking asinine to claim that you cried when we lost in 86 ,but stopped being a fan after we finally won a World Series and now root for a titanic collapse.  Like I said, I have no problem with people hating us, but just don’t try and pretend that you were ever one of us because you weren’t.        So do me a favor and go claim to be a die hard Cubs until they win something and then write an article about how you cried when Bartman caught that foul ball, but now everything has changed with them.   Because obviously you’re a fraud and any idiot can see that. 

PS - And by the way don’t fucking write a book with Steve Buckley about what every diehard Boston fan should know.  Because you’re the last guy that should be talking Boston Sports.    I hope somebody punches you in the kidneys next time you go to Fenway and try to act like a Red Sox fan.  I’ve seen your kind before.  They make me sick.

I’m speechless.  Whoever picked this dress out for Hayden should not only be fired, but they should be executed.   Death by red ants.  That’s how bad this is.    I mean you’d think it would almost be impossible to pick a dress that would make Hayden Panettieri look bad.  But I guess I didn’t count on the drunk pumpkin look.  How do you fuck this up?  Picking a dress is real simple when you’re 18 years old and have curves all in the right places.   You need to wear something that looks like it is painted on and people need to cut you out of it at the end of the night.   None of this ball room bullshit.   It’s Emmy’s 101 people.  

Things to consider while wondering if all along the Chargers meant they'd get their revenge next time the two teams met:

*It's as if the Patriots aren't content with just being dominant; they're determined to be scary dominant. Consider how the opening drive of the game, they ran an attack that was the 180 degree polar opposite of how they opened the Jets game. Last week is was all run plays out of a two tight end set, with Kyle Brady in the Daniel Graham TE/ 3rd OT role, gouged out the Jets eyes and shoved Laurence Maroney down the holes. This week they split four guys wide and threw it all over the field but moved the ball just as effectively. They're like the Swiss Army knife of NFL offenses. They're like Jackie Chan; they'll kick your ass with a ladder, a produce cart, a video camera or just with bare fists. But your ass will be kicked.

*One thing TapeGate did was get Belichick more network TV face time than Ryan Seacrest. I think everyone outside of New England was waiting for his mouth to open wide and for his slimy, hideous alien self to come crawling out.

To read the rest of this nonsene, click here...

Much more Kristanna here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com