EBAY.com - You are bidding on a 1 year contract for a personal assistant (PA)Please include what you are looking for in a personal assistant.  My name is David J. Owen, I am currently a Food and Beverage Supervisor for a large hotel chain in Greenville, SC.  I have 10 years hospitality experience, and 1 year experience as a PA( See resume below).  The reason I am not currently employed as a PA is because my previous employer moved to California.I currently reside in Greenville, SC.  I am willing to relocate to any location in SC, southern NC, parts of TN, and most of GA.  All other inquires will still be taken seriously, but must be on a temporary basis, or be willing to offer a larger sign-on-bonus.

If you are interested in any of the following please do NOT apply; your bids/inquiries will be deleted:
1)Sexual "Favors"
2)Or any sexual conduct of any kind
3)Criminal acts including the harassments of individuals
3)Any work that may require licensing from state of residence, unless willing to pay for state certification
4)Any work provided outside the hours of 8am-7pm without "additional compensation", lists will be fair amounts included in contract.
5)Taking care of invalids or other elderly people that may not be able to care for themselves, unless on a temporary basis

Dear Mr Owen,

I’m not going to bullshit you.   I’m interested.   I am the CEO of a major metropolitan newspaper in Boston.   I know you said you didn’t want to move, but I think I can make it worth your while with a handsome signing bonus.    Rest assured your job description will not include “sexual favors” or dealing with old people.   Old people are for suckers and frankly we have no time for them here at Barstool Sports. Instead I will be counting on you to drive my Astrovan and do my paper route.  You will also be in charge of paying all my parking violations on time.   Finally and maybe most important I want you to find out who is fucking with my news racks around North Station.  There is some hippy who keeps vandalizing our racks in that area and I want to catch them in the act.  This may require you to camp out all night outside North Station, but I’ll pay for the overtime.   When you catch the person I want you to kneecap them so they can never walk again.   And no I don't consider this a criminal act. This is simply frontier justice. If this sounds like something you can handle, I’d love to bring you aboard.   And frankly $150,000 seems like a bargain.   The only request I make is that you burn that shirt that you are wearing in this photo.    I’m assuming it is a joke because I can’t fathom why you’d pick this particular shirt of all shirts to highlight yourself in.    If this shirt is not a joke I’m afraid the deal is off because you’re clearly nuts.

Best Regards,

El Pres