Our modern world is an evil, impersonal, dangerous hateful place. Forty years ago if you needed a cup of sugar, you walked next door and ask your neighbor. In the 21st century, knocking on your neighbor's door and asking for a cup of sugar is tantamount to a death sentence.

Nametags are going to change all that.

The Nametag Project believes that "individuals from every race, culture, religion, economic status, and sexual orientation in communities of all sizes will be connected, realize what they have in common, and appreciate each others for the their differences."

And on Sunday, July 15th, "the Boston Police Department, other 'Nametaggers', and I will be handing out 40,000 nametags to game-goers and anyone around Fenway Park. This will be the largest, most fun, and coolest, community building initiative our city has ever undertaken and we need your help to pull it off."

I can think of no better way to battle the evil forces of anti-neighborliness currenly wreaking havoc in Boston than for "Yanks Sux 4Eva," "Jeter's A Queer," "Yooooooouk," "Varitek's Meaty Thighs," and "Stephan from Cambridge" to join forces and form a Fenway Frank-powered, crime fighting quintet.

The second place idea for the largest, most fun, and coolest, community building initiative our city has ever undertaken- making sure that kids in Boston can play outside without getting gunned down. Maybe next year, kids. But for 2007, we're gonna focus on giving nametags to all the people from the suburbs that spend six hours in Boston for a Sox game before driving back to the McMansion and ranting about how sucky Boston is.

Just keep dodging those bullets until 2008, fellas. Then we'll slap some nametags on everyone. Because the gun-toting thugs of today are the nametag-wearing, pie-baking, barn-raising neighbors of tomorrow.

PS- nametags don't stop bullets.