Random Thoughts

I feel like I'm starting every blog the last few weeks with "I was down in Newport blah, blah..." but I was down in Newport this weekend (renting a house) and a friend of one of the housemates showed up with his guitar in hand, yes, ala the Honky Tonk Man. Anyway, after he played a few songs outside I asked him if he was in band... He replied, "Yeah, I'm in a band called'Moose Knuckles'."

Now the guy had to be 29-30 years old, and actually wasn't bad at guitar, frankly. But there has to be a limit as to how old you can be to name your band "Moose Knuckles". When you're in college I can see that - it's completely hip, but past 23-24 you shouldn't be allowed to name your band "Moose Knuckles" or any other vagina-related catch phrase. Unless that was the original name of your band in college, but then at some point you have to change it to something respectable like "Grandma O'Leary and the Roast Beef Curtains". Am I right or am I right?

Maximum age for naming your band "Moose Knuckles": 24

Last night I watched the 25 most memorable bathing suit moments of all time on E!    (Didn’t everybody?)  Baywatch came in at #3 getting a life time achievement award or something like that.   Anyway as they were showing all the ghosts of Baywatch past I couldn’t help but reminded how one Baywatch Babe always stood apart from the rest.  There was one chick who truly took the red bathing suit and made it her own.    I’m obviously talking about Lt. Stephanie Holden.   You remember her don’t you?   She was the ugly chick with no boobs who somehow defied all odds and became a regular character on the show.   Now I know that we’re prone to exaggerations here at Barstool Sports.  But I don’t think I’m exaggerating at all to say that this is one of the greatest upsets in the history of modern civilization.   I mean how the hell did Stephanie Holden get a job on Baywatch?   And more importantly how did she gather the courage to show up for work every day.  I’m pretty sure that 99% of women in her shoes would have killed themselves from depression after spending 10 seconds on the set.   Therefore, I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that poor Stephanie Holden turned to soft-core porn after her Baywatch days came to a close.    After all there is no way to have any self esteem left when your best known for being the obscenely ugly chick on a show that was known for beautiful people.   Today I tip a 40 for Lt. Stephanie Holden.

This girl RSVP'd to the Beach Bowl. And she even offered to be in the Bikini Fashion Show. And just to show that she meant business she attached a photo of herself. El Pres added the black boxes. That's it. Just felt like sharing.

Breaking News: The First Lady is freaking out that I posted this. I may be forced to take it down so enjoy it while it lasts. Frankly I think it's fair game since this girl sent the photo to me and she's a model. This is what models do. They get photos published. It's not like I stole it or anything. But when the First Lady speaks I tend to listen. Or pretend to listen.

I love this show, but the video doesn’t do it justice.  I almost didn’t want to post it because you need to see the full clips of each blooper to really appreciate it.  But the pummel horse guy at the end left me no choice.    I mean once he started doing his dead fish convulsions it was out of my hands.

HONG KONG (Reuters) - A Hong Kong woman who blinded her boyfriend in one eye in a fight six years ago has been jailed for jabbing a chopstick into his other eye, a newspaper reported on Wednesday.

Sorry if I’m not feeling bad for the guy who took the chop stick to the eye.   He has nobody to blame but himself.   It’s a well known fact that whenever a girlfriend sticks a fork in your eye and causes you to go blind you need to break up with her.   It’s simple math really.  One blind eye = break up.   Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice shame on me.   This guy was basically begging for a chopstick to the good eye.   

There is something that’s been bothering me for awhile that I feel I need to rant about.  But I also acknowledge that I may be the only person bothered by it.   Essentially I’ve been noticing more and more that whenever I buy a drink from a convenience store the clerk molests the mouth part of the bottle with their hands when they ring it in.   Am I crazy or do other people notice this too?     I don’t get it?   Don’t they realize that I’m going to put my mouth on the top part?  Can’t they just grip it from the middle instead of putting their dirty hands all over the top?   It drives me nuts.    I almost think the 7/11 guys do it just to spite me.    It’s their little way of saying I’m not better than them even though they work at 7/11.    

“You think you’re better than me?  How does my hand scum taste?”

The best part of this video is when the grounds crew guy gets dragged along the infield thanks to the gust of wind. Kudos to the Phillies. They may become sports first 10,000 game losers after the All Star break, but Sunday they got the sportsmanship award. Where the Hell were the Rockies? Apparently they've been reading El Prez's predictions of a World Series appearance and didn't want to get injured...Or they all have Roger Dorn's agent and have plans for life after baseball and aren't about to "deface this property for a pile of stiffs."

The Barstool Beach Bowl is tomorrow.  This should be a great event.    Only a fool would miss it. There is free bowling the entire night.   That’s pretty cool in and by itself.   But if bowling isn’t your thing we still have lots of other stuff happening.  There will be a live reggae band (Midnight Ravers) which will mark the first time we’ve ever had a live band at an event as well as a DJ.    The Barstool Girls are going to be in full effect and we’re going to have a bikini fashion show.   The party is sponsored by Corona and Corona Light so the place will be all decked out in beach themed stuff.     Not to mention it’s the same night as the All Star game so that will be on the big screens as well.

Check out all the details at www.barstoolbeachbowl.com.   You must RSVP to get on the list at beachbowl@barstoolsports.com.    beachparty@barstoolsports.com is also acceptable.

Our modern world is an evil, impersonal, dangerous hateful place. Forty years ago if you needed a cup of sugar, you walked next door and ask your neighbor. In the 21st century, knocking on your neighbor's door and asking for a cup of sugar is tantamount to a death sentence.

Nametags are going to change all that.

The Nametag Project believes that "individuals from every race, culture, religion, economic status, and sexual orientation in communities of all sizes will be connected, realize what they have in common, and appreciate each others for the their differences."

And on Sunday, July 15th, "the Boston Police Department, other 'Nametaggers', and I will be handing out 40,000 nametags to game-goers and anyone around Fenway Park. This will be the largest, most fun, and coolest, community building initiative our city has ever undertaken and we need your help to pull it off."

I can think of no better way to battle the evil forces of anti-neighborliness currenly wreaking havoc in Boston than for "Yanks Sux 4Eva," "Jeter's A Queer," "Yooooooouk," "Varitek's Meaty Thighs," and "Stephan from Cambridge" to join forces and form a Fenway Frank-powered, crime fighting quintet.

The second place idea for the largest, most fun, and coolest, community building initiative our city has ever undertaken- making sure that kids in Boston can play outside without getting gunned down. Maybe next year, kids. But for 2007, we're gonna focus on giving nametags to all the people from the suburbs that spend six hours in Boston for a Sox game before driving back to the McMansion and ranting about how sucky Boston is.

Just keep dodging those bullets until 2008, fellas. Then we'll slap some nametags on everyone. Because the gun-toting thugs of today are the nametag-wearing, pie-baking, barn-raising neighbors of tomorrow.

PS- nametags don't stop bullets.

Click2HOUSTON.com -- More than $100,000 disappeared as it was being transferred from a credit union to an ATM, but thanks to a couple of Good Samaritans, the money was returned within 15 minutes, KPRC Local 2 reported Thursday. The money was supposed to be delivered to Harris County Federal Credit Union ATMs around the country. But Harris County sheriff's deputies said the six boxes of cash fell off the back of a pickup truck when they were being transferred by two off-duty Houston police officers. "The money rolled out," said Susan Roberts, the credit union president. "You think that's a good way to transport money?" KPRC Local 2 reporter Elizabeth Scarborough asked. "Well, ma'am, it falls out of armored cars, too," Roberts said.

Fucking Texas.  Got to love it.   Who the hell transports $100,000 in the back of a pick up truck?  I know when I owe my bookie thousands of dollars I’m afraid to transport it in the glove compartment of my car.   And the balls on this lady to defend the transportation method.   “It falls out of armored cars too”?   Huh?   No it doesn’t.   It may get stolen out of an armored car, but it doesn’t just fall out when you hit a bump.    She obviously doesn’t grasp the concept of doors and being inside vs. being outside.   And what kind of morons returned the money anyway?   Listen if Harris County Federal Credit Union transports their money in pick up trucks than you owe it to yourself to take the money if you find it in the street.     It’s the rule of the jungle, finder’s keeper’s loser’s weepers.  If you start messing with that then you mess with the entire evolution of life.

Denver Westworld News - - The commission was first introduced to Horner after he filed a complaint with the Division of Civil Rights last fall, claiming that a local nightclub's ladies' night specials violated the state public-accommodations statute. Ultimately, the commission decided that while that might be so — that ladies' night deals unfairly benefit one gender, even though bars only use the deals to lure in more members of the opposite sex — it had no statutory authority to award Horner damages. But with this resolution, the commission has handed Horner a nice, big club he can use in his continued campaign to beat bars into submission.

This douche has reportedly been attacking ladies' nights since the early '90s after a divorce. He decided to get out of the house and hit a bar in Minnesota, only to discover he was being charged $5 at the door, while the girls got in for free...Since issuing a complaint that that he'd been discriminated against to Minnesota's Department of Civil Rights, he's bounced around from Phoenix to Portland to Boise and San Antonio trying to end Ladies' Night.

Hey Steve, maybe you didn't realize that:

• Men go to bars to meet women
• Bars that give women discounts, get more women
• Cheap drinks for women, mean they have more money to buy more drinks
• More drinks in these women mean you look better and your previously far out chances of playing hide the weasel have just increased

Unless these bars are offering discounts for fat pigs or butter faces, what guy would have a problem with ladies' night? Want a guy's night? Go to a gay bar, but for the love of god don't hurt these cities that are proactive enough to help men get laid.

Boston.com - He boasted that he had the physical strength, the mental toughness, and the maritime technology to row 3,600 miles across the steely Atlantic, from Cape Cod to France, faster than any human in history. Turns out, Charlie Girard lacked all three. Just over 50 miles into his row, the 26-year-old Frenchman called for the Coast Guard to rescue him. Yesterday, Girard expressed disappointment with the denouement of his voyage, which he had called Atlantique 2007. "The sea was very, very hard," he said. "I was very tired, too."I think it will take many days to stop the nightmares."

His initial attempt was launched June 30, when he set off from the Orleans Yacht Club with 100 days worth of condensed milk, cereal bars, and dehydrated snacks. His plan was to break the record set in 2004 for a solo row across the North Atlantic: 62 days, 19 hours, and 48 minutes. But the harbormaster towed him back a few hours later after his boat sprung a leak.

Before I totally trash this guy let’s at least give him some credit.  He did complete 1% of the total trip.   If you’re one of his sponsors or donated money for his boat that’s got to be some consolation right?    And let’s not forget that this was a massive improvement from his first trip when he lasted approximately 20 minutes.   I mean if the Frenchman continues to improve at the same rate from trip to trip he’ll have this record in no time.    Now if he could just overcome the nightmares he’d be home free.

And just for the record I think the coast guard should have let this guy die.  Listen, I have no problem with people pushing themselves and trying to win imaginary records.  But don’t start crying for help when you run into trouble.   Risking your life is just part of the deal when you do shit like this.  I mean if you’re going to call the Coast Guard anytime your life is in jeopardy, what’s the point of doing it in the first place?    Same thing with Running of the Bulls, Climbing Mt Everest, David Blaine tricks etc.   The bottom line with all these stunts is that if you fail you should die, end of story.   In fact, if 100 people haven’t already died trying to get the record you’re trying to break it’s probably not worth a record having in the first place.

I haven’t heard too many people talking about this, but I was kind of pissed at the way Gary Sheffield crossed home plate with the winning run in the Tigers extra inning victory on Saturday.    In case you missed it, I made a YouTube of it for everybody to see.  

Listen, I have no problem with celebrating a nice extra inning victory, but there was just something about this that bothered me.  It just looked like he was kicking us in the face or something with this move.  Granted I’m not ruling out the possibility that the real reason it really bothered me is because Sheffield is an asshole.  

Either way I was hoping he’d get plunked the next day but it looks like I was the only one who really noticed this.   What do the Stoolies think?  Did Sheffield deserve to get hit because of this?

Much more Maxine here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com