Random Thoughts

Kissing Suzy Kolber published some photos from Laurence Maroney's Facebook profile today which suddenly made me remember that Maroney is (soon to be was) our MySpace friend. Just like a lot of guys, he probably saw the picture of our most recent covermodel on our profile and didn't realize that www.myspace.com/barstoolsports is actually a bunch of out-of-shape dudes with too much time on their hands.

So I checked out our friends and couldn't believe that Kool-Aid was still there. But the best part- Patriots wide receiver Chad Jackson is one of Maroney's friends. Let's break down the Maroney-Jackson MySpace matchup.

Best Use of Kool-Aid Logo- Maroney for his decision to detail one of his trucks with the Oh Yeah guy

Best Photo That Sorta Looks Like Something Dirty Is Going On- Jackson for this shot of him and a full-figured friend

Best Photo That Makes It Seem That Maybe Chad Jackson Likes His Women With A Little Extra Padding- Jackson for this group shot

Best Photo That Begs The Question Why The Hell Is That NFL Player Holding A Used Roll Of Toilet Paper- Maroney for this photo of him holding a used roll of TP

Best Kool-Aid Inspired Jewelry- Maroney for not being afraid to say "Fuck it, I'm a NFL player. If I want a Kool-Aid charm bracelet, I'm getting a goddamn Kool-Aid charm bracelet."

Best Pose By A Practice Squad Wide Receiver- Jackson for not being afraid to unleash a little Blue Steel

ESPN's My Wish series is returning to the Worldwide Leader soon. Looks like I need to start stocking up on tissues.

Last year, ESPN worked with the Make-A-Wish Foundation to make ten sports-related wishes come true. Each My Wish segment was featured on SportsCenter and basically reduced ESPN's entire audience to a bunch of blubbering, sniffling crybabies.

The Tedy Bruschi-Andrew Geracoulis one. Dear God. I've seen it a dozen times and every single viewing I'm Dick Vermeil. And don't even attempt to read the stories on the Make-A-Wish website. You'll be crying like a pregnant woman watching The Notebook.

Obviously the My Wish series is a wonderful concept. But since I'm sort of a dickhead, I have to ask this question:

What happens if Make-A-Wish kids wish to be on My Wish?

Does Make-A-Wish have some sort of policy on this? What would happen if 50 kids wished to be on My Wish? Would ESPN turn down 40 sick kids whose stories just weren't tragic enough? Would ESPN Deportes have to pick up some of the slack and force sick kids wishing to spend the day with Shaq to hang out with some guy from Boca Juniors? Would ESPN be forced to involve the likes Woody Paige and Skip Bayless and would that in turn lead to some of the kids wishing to get sicker so that they wouldn't be able to leave the hospital?

Remember way back...It must have been, oh...last week...when Yankee fans were positively giddy because the Sox had dropped 2-of-3 to Colorado? How they were all masturbating like Bonobo monkeys because the Sox lead was "down" to 8 games? Now, with those same Rockies having swept the Yankees, costing Roger Clemens his 350th win and returning the Sox's lead to double digits, I guess we can expect the phone lines to Mustard & Johnson to be jammed tomorrow morning with numbskulls in faded Paul O'Neill t-shirts saying "I guess I spoke too soon" in indescipherable New York accents.

On second thought...not likely.

According to the NY Post, here's what the Yankees paid Clemens to puke on his shirt yesterday:

• PER INNING (41/3): $213,414
• PER PITCH (90): $9,722
• PER STRIKE (55): $15,909

Of course, the loss is eating Clemens up inside. He takes no comfort in the 10 grand per pitch. He's all about the winning, you understand. And the teamwork and the friendships and the chance to mentor the young kids. At least that what he keeps telling us, and who're we gonna believe, him or 20 years of watching him chase money?

As a public service, we here at Barstool, who speak fluent Clemese, will, from time to time, take what Roger says and translate what he was actually thinking when he said it.

Running Clemens' latest postgame comments through The Stoolator:

What he said: "I expect to win, so it's disappointing. On the same page, I know it's not going to come easy. Nothing's going to come easy to this ballclub."

What he was thinking: Disappointed? Oh, yeah it's killing me. I made 875,000 frickin' dollars tonight, and got to the postgame spread before Melky Cabrera put his fingers all over the deli platter. I had a better night than anyone in Colorado, asswipe.

Said: "We lost, so it doesn't matter. You want to help win ballgames. That's what we're here to do."

Thought: Win or lose, I get Torre grovelling at my feet, George King writing fawning puff pieces about me and the chance to see Andy Pettite walk out of the shower, dripping wet. This is living.

Said: “Even when you are not hitting, you have to play clean games and we didn’t do that the last couple of game What did we have, five runs in three games?”

Thought: What the hell's happened to the "Best Lineup in Baseball?" How am I supposed to act like I came back here to be one of the guys when this bunch of dildos won't hit for me? If I wanted no run support, I could've stayed in Houston and carried on with my bizarre, fetish-like obsession for my sons.

Said: "I was taking deep breaths on the mound. My mouth got dry a couple times. That was the more difficult part. Heat or cold is not a big deal. The one inning a storm blew in and the wind changed direction. The wind hit my chest and caused me to throw the ball out of the zone. But I made the adjustment. Then, the wind started to blow straight out."

Thought: I can't believe they thought I could still pitch. Didn't anyone in the front office notice I look like "The King of Queens"? Then again, these are the same nitwits that gave me a retirement Humvee five years ago. Gawd, I love the Yankees.

No that's not the new logo. That's a dead bear that has been flattened into a rug. That's what the logo should be considering the sad state of the B's. Instead they opted for this:

Ugh...Why? Why is this what we get for a new logo? Now UB is a fan of the spokewheel B, as it is about the only tradition left in the organization, but when UB heard new logo he was thinking something drastic like the Pats did in 1993. Instead we get a slight change and a 3rd jersey that features an update on the bear logo they wore on the chest back in the 20's. Of course, since no one is buying any Bruins stuff these days, they didn't even rush the merchandise onto the shop site. If it was available, would you buy it?

In other Bruins news, besides the introduction of new head coach Claude Julien to the media yesterday, Jeremy Jacobs was named the new chairman of the NHL's Board of Governors. Another brilliant move for the NHL. At this rate they'll be lapped by the AHL as the dominant hockey organization in North America by October. What has Jacobs ever done in his championship-less tenure as owner of the Bruins that would make anyone want to put him in charge of the league's governing body?

One of the topics on the table for Jerry's little group: The salary cap for 2007-08, which is expected to be between $48 million and $50 million. Good luck with that fellas...

Bonus: A nude chick on a bear skin rug in honor of what should be the real logo...(obvs NSFW)

Click here for the answer...

The Kobe video is almost here!!! I honestly can't contain my excitement. I can't remember when I looked forward to something as much as this. Maybe Game 3 of the ALCS Pedro vs. Clemens....Maybe? In case you've been living in a cave, I'm obviously talking about the most famous 24 second video clip in the history of mankind. Essentially two dudes overheard Kobe talking about how he wished the Lakers traded Andrew Bynum for Jason Kidd and they whipped out their digital camera and taped the whole thing.

SPOILER ALERT - The exact transcript is below. If you don't want to ruin this video than please don't read it. Courtesy of SI.com.

"Andrew Bynum? What the f---?" Bryant says in disgust. "Are you kidding me? Andrew Bynum? F---ing ship his ass out. Are you kidding me? We're talking about Jason Kidd. But they didn't even want to do that. Now we're here in this f---ed up position."

The tandem then asked Bryant what he thought about Bynum's potential. Bryant smiled and started to shake his head as if he was about to go on another tirade.

"You know what man? Let me tell you something. Mitch Kupchak had the nerve to ask me..."

At this point the 24-second video clip ends abruptly sort of like the ending of the Sopranos only much, much better. Now fans across the country, world and universe are left to wonder what did Kobe say next. Did he say Smush Parker was expendable? Did he say Luke Walton is overrated? I guess we'll never know, but that's kind of the brilliance of this video.

Anyway, how much is this masterpiece going to cost people to watch? Brace yourself now... It only costs $1.99. That's not a misprint folks! One dollar and 99 cents and you can watch the drama unfold right on your computer screen. 24 seconds of glory for a $1.99. God Bless America!

UB heard this clip on the Big Show driving home yesterday, and if you haven't seen the video of Mini Me getting pissed at Paul Pierce for calling him Mini Me then here it is...Actually, listening to the clip in the car it sounded like Verne Troyer was way more pissed than he actually seems on the video. He asks Paul to call him Verne and not Mini Me and they pound it out. That being said, he really needs to chill out when people call him Mini Me. It's not like he's Harrison freaking Ford for God's sakes. He had one roll that was very successful. It made him some money and got him into the Playboy Mansion. Can't he just be happy with that? It would have been better if he nailed Paul with the line De Niro used in the mob-shrink movie when some guy calls him a mobster:

"Now is that polite? Is that being nice? I'm trying to be nice over here! I mean, do I walk up to you and say you're so and so the hard on?"

One other thing about this video. Did you see Mini Me get into his car? Is this safe? A couple of pillows and he can drive a car? I didn't notice but did they tie a log to his foot so he would hit the pedals? I'm sure he's got some custom made ride where you can do all the driving by hand, but how is it that all he needs in his seat is a couple of throw pillows?

Boston.com - Though some think of it as a mundane and necessary cornerstone of modern communication, Mayor Thomas M. Menino banned voicemail more than 10 years ago after suffering through a lengthy recording when he called a city department. He was so irritated that he issued an edict that he still personally enforces with a special vehemence. Menino has been known to sniff out clandestine voice mail and leave indignant messages.

But some employees say that getting work done without phone messaging is impractical, and they have secretly installed voice mail on private extensions or other lines that they hope the mayor won't find.

"I don't think anyone thinks it's a good idea but him," said one official, who regularly uses voice mail and declined to be named for fear of retribution.

Are you kidding me?   The City of Boston doesn’t use voicemail?   How is that even possible?   I’m pretty sure you could call the Zimbabwe City Hall and leave a message, but you can’t do it here.   And I wonder what happens when Menino breaks up an underground voicemail ring?  What is the retribution?  I bet he throws the violators in the city dump with my newsracks and the wild cats.  The only comparison I can make to this story is my dad banning using attachments on email.   I’ve literally spent hours on the phone trying to walk him through how to attach a word document and he just gets so frustrated that he’s banned using it.    So now he just faxes me everything.  It’s a gigantic pain in the ass.    And to be honest I’m not 100% sure he even realizes what the difference is.

As a side note,   I wonder what the record is for somebody staying on the phone and letting it ring thinking that the voicemail eventually was going to pick up.  I mean it wouldn’t even cross my mind that somebody I was calling didn’t have voicemail.   I’d stay on the phone for like 20 rings.  

YAHOO - - NEW DELHI - The 15-year-old son of two doctors successfully performed a filmed Caesarean section birth under his parents' watch in southern India in an apparent attempt to set a record (for the Guinnes Book of World Records) as the youngest surgeon, officials said Thursday. However, Amarilis Espinoza, a spokeswoman for the record book, said in an e-mail response to a question from The Associated Press that the organization doesn't monitor or endorse such feats because it would encourage the practice of "bad medicine."

UB has to call bullshit on the Guinness Book of World Records. Sure it was dangerous and shouldn't be tried but he did break a world record. Maybe a few copy cats try and get their kids to cut open pregos, but isn't that a reasonable risk for entertainment? Look at some of the dumbass world records they are okay with:

Most Female Piercing:

Longest Ear Hair:

Longest Female Nails:

Youngest with most spoons on face:

And what about these dumb medical ones:

Longest Hospital Trolley Duration:

Largest Plate Inserted in Human Skull:

None of these records should be tried, but people are dumb enough to put them in there. Are the people at Guinness really saying the trolley ride is more impressive than this kid? The parents are in big trouble but the woman is gonna live. Like the Gallo Video guy used to say: "FIT 'EM IN THERE!"

(Thanks to Sparkylylefan for the story)

Much more of Erica here (NSFW)...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com