Random Thoughts

The Bruins have hired former Devils head coach Claude Julien according to TSN:

TSN has confirmed a report that the Bruins have hired Claude Julien to be their next head coach, with an official announcement expected Tuesday.

Julien was the head coach of the New Jersey Devils during the 2006-07 campaign, but was fired April 3 despite the team leading the Atlantic Division with a 72-71-16 record.

The 47-year-old previously coached the Montreal Canadiens from January 2003 until January 2006.

Julien has already said he looks forward to getting started and can't wait to become the scapegoat for the 2007-08 campaign...

You may not find a bigger fan of Maria Menounos than UB. Our local gal made good is just about as good as it gets for hot chicks. That's why it was a little disappointing to see her fall for the old "Walk of Fame Star" trick. Here you see Maria receive a star of fame on some walk, apparently in Vegas, only to fall for the oldest trick in the book: The "Kneel down and touch it so we can see your boobs" ploy.

Despite this error in judgment, we would still like to invite Maria to the first ever Walk of Fame Star dedication in her honor this weekend out in front of BSS headquarters in downtown Boston. Hopefully she'll wear the same dress...

(Check out the video below, where Maria also falls for the "Sit here while feel your side boobs while pretending to tickle you" ploy on the Howard Stern Show...)

It's been known on the Intraweb for a while know that America's favorite celebrity stripper, Carmen Electra, had a crush on rocker Joan Jett when she was younger. Rumors even spread that the two, who have hooked up at shows and in videos (below), had become a lesbian couple. While Carmen's publicist denies her client's interest in 49-year-old tuna roll, the latest rumor is that Carmen's girlfriend is the real reason she split with husband Dave Navarro.

(Thanks to John for the rumor watch)

"Lets see (turning in tokens)...I'll take the giant sunglasses, the plastic handcuffs, and the wallet that says 'Bad Ass Motherfucker.'"

My Space whore Tia Tequila is on the July 2007 cover of Penthouse and might just be the closest thing to a celebrity in their magazine in years. Sure they've recently had Jenna Jameson, but when you're a porn star, appearing in Penthouse isn't really a big deal. It should come as no surprise to fans of Tia that she would do Penthouse...It's a natural fit for anyone whose music includes lines like:

I ain't trying to fuck ya man
Errbody know he my number 1 fan
I done been there done that, bitch and?
you wanna get mad bitch, I don't give a damn

I see you in the corner grilling me for over there
Cuz you know boo like to hit me straight rare
Nuttin' up inside while he pullin' on my hair
Hate it or love it, the underdog's right there

Bostonherald.com - Before the Giants’ 9-5 loss yesterday to the Red Sox at Fenway Park, Bonds didn’t hide his displeasure for the way Matsuzaka pitched him a day earlier.  “If you say you’re going to challenge me, then challenge me,” said Bonds, who was 0-for-2 with an intentional walk against the Japanese sensation. Matsuzaka had said through his interpreter that he wanted to “display a powerful style of pitching” against Bonds. He threw two fastballs in Bonds’ first at-bat; Bonds hit a deep flyball foul and then flied out to the warning track in center field.  Bonds said it wasn’t a coincidence that he didn’t see another fastball next time up.  “He saw what happened the first time,” Bonds said. “If you say you’ll do it, do it then.”

So let me get this straight.   Bonds is pissed that Matsuzaka didn’t just pump fastballs down the middle of the plate every time he got up.  Yeah, what a coward.   Maybe from now on pitchers should have to announce what pitch is coming to prove who has the bigger balls.   This story reminds me of my buddy Elio who claims he only threw fastballs in high school because curveballs are for pussies.  

I was watching the final round of the US Open yesterday and couldn’t help but notice Tiger Woods shirt.  I’ve been searching all day to find a picture that could do it justice but to no avail.  Now I understand that he wears red on Sunday.   I get that part.  But does that mean he has to pick the ugliest red shirt on planet earth?    I mean that thing he was wearing yesterday was straight out of Saturday Night Fever.  Nobody deserves to win the US open wearing something like that.    And while I’m on the subject of Tiger Woods, I hate how he just tosses his putter on the ground after he finishes a hole.   How  about handing it to your caddy?  How hard is that?  It’s just common decency really.  And yes in case you haven’t noticed I hate Tiger Woods. 

Watching people get hit in the junk never gets old.

So today was the annual Briar Group Golf Tournament at Sandy Burr Golf Club in Wayland.   Not only was El Presidente playing in it, but Miller Chill had me book a couple Barstool Girls to hand out beer at the 5^th hole.   The tournament started at 8:30am.   So yesterday I left messages to all the girls just reminding them that they had to be at the golf course at 8:15.   Well I woke up this morning to find out that one of the girls left me the following text message at 1am in the morning;

“At ER w boyfriend – don’t think I’m going to make it tomorrow.”

So here is my question.  How do you respond to somebody when you know they are lying to you?  I mean the ER excuse is obviously fake right?  You might as well be spitting in my eyeball when you don’t even take the time to make up a good lie.   Now based on this information, would I be within my rights just to come out and accuse her of lying?  Or do I have to keep my mouth shut on the 1% chance that she is telling the truth.   For the record, this is how I responded to the girl.  

“Just as a heads up you make me look like a total asshole when you cancel on me this late”

I didn’t feel great about my response.  I don’t think it announced my presence with authority.  In fact, I’m not even sure she’ll realize that my message was code for “I know you’re lying to me”  Or does she already know that I know her excuse is bullshit and she just doesn’t care?   Either way how do you deal with lame ass excuses like my grandmother died and shit like that?  I mean do you have to respect the 1% chance that a lame ass excuse could be real? Or can you just call a spade a spade and rip that person a new asshole?

Random Simpson Reference:

Homer:  Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully:  Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer:  We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard.  Ya happy?

Associated Press -- The New York Yankees signed a pair of Chinese players, saying Monday they were the first players from China signed by major league teams with the approval of the country's baseball association.

Kai Liu, a 19-year-old left-handed pitcher, and Zhenwang Zhang, a 19-year-old catcher, are to be introduced at a Yankee Stadium news conference July 6 and then will report to the team's minor league complex in Tampa, Fla.

Liu has played for Guangdong Province in China's six-team league and has been chosen for the national team. Zhang played for the Tianjin Lions, winning league titles in 2002, 2005 and 2006, and appeared in one game at last year's World Baseball Classic but did not have any at-bats.

"We have scouts worldwide and we have seen both players in the past," Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said.

Yankees executives visited China in January and reached a working agreement with the Chinese Baseball Association.

Now I'm loving this move from a Yankee standpoint. I have both of these players in my Chinese fantasy league and I'm in first place by 12 games.

Everybody knows the Yankees need bullpen help.... Get this guy over here on the first flight from Shanghai, pronto! I mean obviously Steinbrenner isn't happy with the team so far and Cashman (above) is taking the brunt of it.

And no, I checked the online translator, Kai Liu in English does not, I repeat does NOT translate to "Brien Taylor".

ATLANTA -- Tennessee Titans cornerback Pacman Jones was being sought by police for questioning about a shooting early Monday involving members of his entourage after a fight at an Atlanta strip club.

Jones, his group and three other people got into a fight, apparently over a woman, at a club around 4 a.m., officer Ariel Toledo said.

After everyone involved left the strip club -- the three people in one car, and Jones and his entourage in three other cars _ someone in Jones' group shot at the car, and the others returned fire, Toledo said.

Toledo said Jones was not present when the shots were fired.

"We believe he knows some of his entourage who were involved in the shooting," Toledo said. "On himself, we do not have any charges on him. He wasn't there when the shooting occurred."

It's now official. I love Pacman Jones and I don't care who knows it. Pacman is no longer just a talented but deeply troubled NFL defensive back to me; he's now a symbol. A symbol of everything that's great about this proud nation of ours.

When NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended Jones for the 2007 season, he did it to make an example of him. To show the world that the Pigskin Powers That Be weren't going to put up with this sort of behavior out of the hired help. And a lesser soul might have gone along, laid low, played it safe, tried to keep The Man happy. But not my man Adam. Pacman will keep his own cousel on how to spend his free time, thank you very much. And if rolling with heavily-armed entourages, hanging out in Peel Palaces, starting fights over women at 4 AM and firing caps at someone's ass is wrong...he don't want to be right.

Pacman Jones embodies everything that is good about this country. An independent, iconoclastic rebel who lives by his own rules. A true pioneer in the field of strip joint ballistics. A defender of women who appreciates the fine art of pole dancing. In short, he's a bone fide True American Hero. Thank you for inspiring us all, Pacman. And don't let a little thing like losing out onmillions of dollars by throwing your NFL career away make you give up the life you love.

(WCCO) A middle school teacher in Prescott, Wis. has been fired and the Pierce County Sheriff is investigating claims she had sex with a 13-year-old student. "It's just shocking to hit Prescott like this," said Tom Riley a Prescott resident. The 38-year-old woman was a substitute at Prescott Middle School. The student's father said he found the two having a middle of the night rendezvous together at the teacher's home after the boy stole his mother's car. Sources said the woman's husband and 13-year-old daughter were home at the time. Zach Simones, who coached the 13-year-old boy on the seventh grade football team, said he is sickened by the incident."He was dating the lady's 13-year-old daughter before this happened," said Simones.


First of all why is it shocking that a teacher sex story hit the town of Prescott?   If we’ve learned anything over the years it’s that a teacher sex story can strike at anytime any place.   It’s doesn’t care about race, religion or creed.  It’s kind of like a natural disaster except in a good way.    Regardless, I got to give the 13 year old kid in this story mad props.   He totally stole the show.  I mean first he was nailing the daughter and then he moves on to the mom?    That’s some serious shit.   Not to mention the fact  he stole his old man’s car so he could get laid.   Honestly,  who does he think he is?  Kelly Leak or something?

I must admit that just like all the Superfans I was a little bit nervous when BC named Jeff Jagodzinski their new head football coach.   I worried about whether he’d be able to recruit in the ACC?   But luckily my fears have been put to rest.  I mean look at this text message that he sent to prize recruit Averin Collier in an attempt to woo him to the Heights.

You must be a good person & Ready to win a ACC Title.  That person is you.

Is that Shakespeare?    I mean how do you say no to that?  

P.S. If you’d like to speak to Jeff Jagodzinski dial 1.857.233.3603

Thanks to Kwall for the pic. 

As Barstool's own El Presidente learned the hard way, you never want to have Boston Mayor Tom Menino as an enemy. Mumbles is merciless and if you cross him, you're in for a world of hurt and parking tickets and trash fines and early morning construction outside your home.

But apparently Sports Illustrated's Peter King didn't get the memo. In today's Monday Morning Quarterback column, King once again writes about a bunch of things that no one cares about. But crammed between some musings on Pepsi's new cucumber soda and the breaking news that Monday Night Football is a somewhat popular viewing option, King takes umbrage with the state of the Back Bay T stop.

As someone who loves train travel, and who takes the train up and down the East Coast quite often -- I did it again last week for an anniversary trip -- I can sit quietly no longer about the state of the Boston station in Back Bay. What a dump. Grimy, smelly, humid, with a crummy waiting room. Washington's train station is a thing of beauty, almost a destination in and of itself. Baltimore's is OK. Philly's is ancient and utilitarian. Even Newark has a little gem of a station, and it's always busy. But can't a great city like Boston do something about the first place many visitors see when they get to town?

First, King is most likely absolutely right. I have no idea because I never take the T but I'm guessing that the station is "grimy, smelly and humid." Probably because the station is 100-years old and you can't exactly start knocking down walls and building more Peter King-friendly waiting areas when the Back Bay is all landfill and groundwater.

But outside of King, does anyone know another visitor to Boston that enters the city via Back Bay station? (And now that Bobby Bacala is dead, is there any doubt that King has grabbed sole possession of the title of "Chubby Middle-Aged Jersey Guy That Loves Trains"?)

South Station is big and airy and has plenty of bathrooms for King to take his patented massive dumps. If you want happy-go-lucky train stations, Pete, it's probably not the best idea to be riding around in the country's oldest subway system. Go another five minutes to South Station, grab some Starbucks, critique it, walk outside, get in a cab and pay $5 to go to Copley Square. No sweaty taint and you can talk about your fantasy baseball team with the cabbie.

Either way, I hope this sets off a blood feud between Menino and King (even if Menino has very little to do with the cleanliness of the state-run T stops). Menino is Boston and a shot at the city is a shot at him. The streets of Boston will run red with King's blood.

I know there's a .00001% chance that this actually happened - but this picture was forwarded to me from an undisclosed Connecticut casino last night at 2 in the morning, and I'm nominating it as today's "picture of the day". I mean obviously the censor is broken on the wheel, but let's just say it's not. What's the strategy here? Do you continue to bet the 6? Or do you go against the streak and throw everything on red? Interesting decision to say the least... And as a side note, if a number was ever going to get that hot on the wheel, I'm shocked it wasn't red 23.

God's chosen people have a chosen team- the Red Sox.

In the newest edition of American Jewish Life, Bradford R. Pilcher breaks down why any self-respecting Jew should turn against the Yankees and root for the Red Sox. Pilcher claims that four of the five seminal Jewish baseball moments involve the Red Sox. Only one involves the Yankees which ipso facto means that the Yankees are antiSemitic.

What are the five most important Jewish baseball moments? Shul is in session-

1. Sandy Koufax's refusal to pitch on Yom Kippur
2. Ron Bloomberg of the Yankees becomes the first major leaguer to play as a DH
3. Former Red Sox catcher Moe Berg goes on the radio and is funny
4. The Red Sox field a lineup with three Jewish players- Gabe Kapler, Adam Stern and Kevin Youkilis
5. Denis Leary and Lenny Clarke make fun of Mel Gibson on NESN

Yup, Jewish baseball history. From Sandy Koufax taking a pass on the Day of Atonement to Lenny Clarke making Jerry Remy cough up some of the black tar lodged in his lungs. Jewish baseball fever- catch it!

But Pilcher doesn't simply view the Red Sox as more worthy of Hebrew hearts. He also sees a sinister, decades-long pattern of the Yankees organization screwing over Jewish ballplayers. Like that bastard Lou Gehrig who took an All Star slot from Hank Greenberg. An innocuous slight? Hardly as Pilcher points out:

I’m not going to say a bad thing about Lou Gehrig. The man’s death was a tragedy. But his full name was Ludwig Heinrich Gehrig. He’s not a National Socialist, but it’s not the last time a Jew got the short end from a guy named Heinrich. I’m just saying.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times- the Yankees are a murderous band of neoNazis bent on world domination and the destruction of Israel. It's clear as day people. Thank G-d that righteous gentiles like Denis Leary and Lenny Clarke are around to battle the pinstriped forces of evil.

It was an interesting weekend at Fenway with the Sox sweeping the Giants and the spotlight on Barry Bonds. As expected the faithful gave Barry a shit load of grief, yet didn't get too much more creative than a smattering of * across the park. The clear highlight was the Bonds home run on Sunday against Wakefield that was #748 and his first ever at Fenway and first ever against the Red Sox (Bonds only played the Sox in one other series, in SF). Like Jeremy Schaap said during his SportsCenter report, the fans appeared to be happy to see Bonds hit a non-damaging home run, so they can at least tell their grandchildren that they saw the game's greatest home run hitter, and most prolific cheater, hit a home run in person.

What would a week of life be without a peak at Britney's private parts? Today's offering is of one of her perky pepperonis. Is it beyond the realm of possibility that maybe she owns all these paparazzi and has decided to just offer up some flesh for sale each weak instead of coming out with another album? No one with half a brain can buy this "invasion of privacy thing" when she can't even keep her tits in her sun dress while making a coffee run...

See the NSFW offerings here...

(Thx Mr. Happy Go Lucky)

To see the rest of UB's Qi Shu gallery, click here...

Send Wake Up With requests to UB@barstoolports.com

PETERBOROUGH, Ontario (AP) -- A judge has ruled that a 24-year-old Canadian man is not allowed to have a girlfriend for the next three years. The ruling came after Steven Cranley pleaded guilty on Tuesday to several charges stemming from an assault on a former girlfriend. Doctors say Cranley has difficulty coping with rejection and runs a high risk to re-offend if he becomes involved in another intimate relationship. Justice Rhys Morgan said Cranley "cannot form a romantic relationship of an intimate nature with a female person.His lawyer says the no girlfriend order is the first of its kind that he has encountered.

No girlfriend for three years huh?  So this naturally begs the question of what constitutes a girlfriend?  Can this guy date girls?   Can he sleep with girls?   How many dates before the girl is considered his girlfriend?

Here is what I’m thinking.  As long as he’s dating multiple chicks at once and doesn’t kiss any of them on the lips he’s good to go.  Once you kiss a chick on the lips all bets are off.  At least that’s how strippers operate right?

Foxsports.com - Former NBA player Byron Houston was arrested Wednesday on an indecent exposure charge.

A woman called police around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday to report that a man was masturbating at an intersection in northwestern Oklahoma City, police Master Sgt. Gary Knight said. Officers found Houston in the driver's seat of a vehicle with his underwear on the floorboard, and the woman positively identified him, Knight said.

The 37-year-old Houston, pleaded guilty to three counts of indecent exposure in 2003 and is a registered sex offender. He most recently updated his registry in March, according to the state Department of Corrections' Web site.                                                                                                                                                            Clearly Byron Houston has some serious problems.  I mean maybe I could look the other way if this was his first time, but this guy is a serial masturbation offender.  Dude, keep it in your pants till you get home right?

Regardless, this story makes me wonder whether it’s ever acceptable to beat off  by yourself in your car?     I’m thinking if Kristin Kreuk of Megan Fox happens to jog by you while you’re driving than maybe, just maybe you pull over and rub one out.  But other than that, I can’t think of why you just wouldn’t take care of business in the sanctity of your own home.   

As a side note this story sucks for Allan Houston because I’m pretty sure I’m confusing him with Byron Houston and I’m guessing other people are as well.

People.com - Skating with Celebrities star Kristy Swanson was arrested late Saturday night for allegedly assaulting the ex-wife of her companion and former skating partner, Lloyd Eisler. Swanson was released on $500 (Canadian) bail. Eisler, 44, a former world champion pairs skater, and Swanson, who starred in the big-screen version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, met in 2006 while filming the FOX reality series, and their romance created a scandal in the skating community when Eisler left his pregnant wife for her.

God damn.  Does Kristy Swanson have no shame?   Haven’t you done enough damage by stealing the husband of a pregnant woman?  Do you really have to go beat her ass down on top of that?  

Now I don’t know the bitch that Buffy fucked up, but I’m rooting for her to pick herself up off the canvas and  stab Swanson in the heart.   I mean enough is enough.    And what kind of man leaves his pregnant wife?   KFed is the only other dude that I know of to pull a stunt like that.  Regardless this just proves why all male figure skaters should be gay.   Then you don’t have any of this extra drama.

Hayden Panettiere appeared at Wizard World Philadelphia (it's a supersized comic book convention) over the weekend, arguably the best thing to happen in Philly in about 25 years.

During an interview session with assorted virgins and their moms, Hayden mentioned that she has an album coming out soon and was prodded into an impromptu performance. She decided to sing the Star Spangled Banner.

Except that Hayden forgot one of the cardinal rules of "singing"- make sure that you actually know the words to the song that you're singing.

Does failing to finish the Star Spangled Banner mean that Hayden hates America? Probably. She could be a terrorist. A sultry underaged temptress terrorist but a terrorist nonetheless. So, in the interest of saving American lives, if you come into contact with Hayden Panettiere, conduct an immediate and thorough strip search.

Consider yourself deputized, America.