When a bunch of overwrought, out of shape, baseball know-it-all's from Boston and New York square off, you better believe that there's going to be some serious bloodshed. And asthma attacks.

A brawl almost broke out today at Fenway when the Bergen Record and ESPN's Bob Klapisch hit Sox Spanish radio broadcaster Uri Berenguer in the head with a pitch. Berenguer went bananas and Boston's manager, Fenway PA announcer Carl Beane had to held back from killing Klapisch. Just so you can get a clear picture of just how ridiculous this must have all looked, here is another picture of Beane. He's like a Hobbit. Except hairier.

Luckily, Peter Abraham of the Journal News wrote about the weakest non-fight in the history of mankind on his blog, The LoHud Yankees Blog. I've bolded what I believe may be the most embarrassing sentence in the history of journalism.

Then, believe it or not, we nearly had a brawl with the Boston media. New York reliever Bob Klapisch accidentally hit Boston Spanish radio broadcaster Uri Berenguer in the helmet with a pitch.

Berenguer took Kevin Youkilis-like exception to the pitch and tempers flared on both sides. Boston manager Carl Beane, the Fenway Park PA announcer, had to be held back from attacking a few of our guys. Beane manages the game wearing an entire Red Sox uniform. I kid you not.

I will say this about the New York media, we don’t back down when the benches clear. We were more riled up than the Yankees were on Friday night. I wish I were kidding, but I’m not. We were a few seconds away from a full-out scrap.

A fight between these two groups of chubby blowhards would have made the fights in West Side Story look like Kill Bill on acid. Honestly, how can Peter Abraham (that's him to the right. No doubt that chubby dome is attached to 275 pounds of pure, unadulterated Red Sox media massacring muscle), write that the New York media doesn't back down when the benches clear?

How many bench-clearing brawls are Abraham and the boys getting into? And how long does the other team wait for Abraham to get his fat ass off the bench? Is there some sort of code of honor between these writers/gladiators that they wait until all the full-figured guys can hoist themselves off the bench and get their feet under them before the slaps start flying?

But in the end, this story is just pathetic. It really is. It's embarrassing and pathetic and embarrassingly pathetic.

And next year when Barstool Sports gets invited to play (because all the newspapers will be out of business), you better f* cking believe that we're bringing the foil. I'm just not sure who I want to fight more- the Boston or New York media? Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Screw it, we'll kill 'em all and let God sort them out.