Random Thoughts
Lawmakers to Outlaw Activity in School
Sorry to be so late to the party on this story, but:
Legislators look to take gym class beyond jumping jacks
Gym class used to mean a teacher in sweatpants and jumping jacks.
A coalition of youth advocates is pushing legislation on Beacon Hill to change that stereotype. They want to expand gym class to include a "comprehensive" health curriculum that would mandate lessons in nutrition, interpersonal relationships, sexuality, disease, family life, violence prevention, mental health, and more. The bill would make a 14-component health education program part of the state’s core curriculum that already includes math, science, social studies, foreign language, English, and the arts.
"Providing our children with the tools to live a healthy and balanced lifestyle must begin in our schools, before kids are confronted by choices that can negatively affect their health and well-being," state Senator Edward Augustus, a Worcester Democrat, said in a statement.
Once again, the Mamby-Pamby Parents lobby joins forces with the Busy Bodies of America, in conjunction with the League of Women Worryworts, the Anti-Fun League and Citizens for No Life and formed a giant coalition aimed at eliminating any last shred of childhood from our kids' lives.
They ought to themselves "People United to Severely Sissify our Youth." P.U.S.S.Y.
P.U.S.S.Y. could then spent all its time and all its resources ruining the best parts of school life for millions of normal kids so that the fat kid with glasses who eats paste in the classroom and brings notes to gym so they don't have to participate won't be traumatized by the fact that are completely maladjusted to life in the real world.
Life isn't fair. Some kids can handle being active, some can't. Deal with it. Me and most of my friends couldn't cut it in varsity interscholastic sports, but we could hack gym. In fact, it was the highlight of my athletic life. The high school baseball coach never took a second look at me, but I rocked the house in Bombardment, Crab Soccer and Pickle Ball. Now they want to eliminate my kids' chance at glory so some gym teacher can teach about syphillis?
The only funny thing Woody Allen ever said in his entire career was "Those who cannot do, teach. And those who cannot teach, teach gym."
The only way I sign on for this idea is if the teachers look like former gym teacher/ sexual predator Pamela Rogers.
Bad Day Kayaking
This is why I don't exercise. Only bad things can happen.
Thank to Chris for the link...
Unfucking believable if it's real
I'm voting real. Looks real to m
i just had a flashback from college when you look over in your bed at 3 am and the beast you picked up at coogans that night rolls over to get some more blanket
That's about as real as the final scene in "Free Willy".
Um, so I hear. Yeah.
Football.
Sloppy, when you'd pick up a broad at coogans you have to use the service entrance for two reasons
1, Cuz she can't fit through the front door
2. You don't want any of your boys to see you dragging her out by the harpoon you shot her with on the dance floor
Stay Classy
Wow...and I thought Chisholm was the king of graphic arts.
see right there, that is a fake video. the one with shamoo above. yeah that's fake.
This is real too.
Some girl, two towns over, got pregnant from chinese food.
was she the same chick that had the hotdog problem???
Free Willy? only the classics for the critic.
Come on Chiefteam, it was in the trailer.
Don't lose faith.
Fakest thing I have ever seen. Kayakes sink. Once the whale pulled him under water, it's over. Also, you aren't strapped in, so you wouldn't just stay in the kayake.
El Pres is a clown....and fat.
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Menino Says Hello
Some people may remember that just yesterday I wrote a random thought complaining about how Mayor Menino had blacklisted barstoolsports.com on the City’s free Wifi connection in Faneuil Hall. I also went on to pseudo threaten Menino that if he kept pushing my buttons I may run for Mayor against him in the next election. Well the response from City Hall was as swift as it was severe. Yesterday during my paper route the Astrovan got booted. A coincidence you say? My 10 unpaid parking tickets you say? I think not. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Menino put in the order from his Ivory Tower in Government Center. It was a show of strength on his part. I mean how else can you explain the fact that I was only out of the van for 1 minute dropping off papers and when I returned the boot was already there. It was almost as if they knew I was going to park in the commercial zone in front of the Purple Shamrock. Oh make no mistake about it, this was an inside job. I still haven’t ruled out that the boot people were actually hiding in all the papers in the back of the Astrovan the entire time I was doing my route just waiting to pounce when the opportunity presented itself. And pounce they did. Whatever the case may be I got the message loud and clear from City Hall. It’s time to stop hammering Mayor Menino. Some battles you just can’t win. FREEDOM……
As a side note, if you’re going to get the boot there is no better place than Faneuil Hall because you can just walk to City Hall and pay your tickets and they’ll come back and take the boot off without being towed. Although a part of me wanted to get towed because they take your car to the city dump which is where the city throws my newsracks. It could have been like a family reunion or something.
PS - The price of advertising in the Stool just went up.
The Shield and the Most Disturbing Fictional Moments Ever
Last night's "The Shield" re-established the show as the flat out best program on television. Not that it ever truly lost the top spot...like Manny Ramirez, even its slumps are shallow and short lived. This year with the Strike Team members either blown apart by Honduran hand grenades (Lemansky), at war with each other (Shane vs. Vic and Ronnie) or days away from forced retirement (Vic), the show hasn't been bringing its "A" game. But like Manny, when it comes out of the slump, it comes out with a fury.
Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your perspective, "The Shield" brought back the plot thread of Capt. Aceveda's oral rape. The whole business had seemingly been put to bed at least three seasons ago, but I always had the sneaking suspicion it would be back. Now with the season finale next week, a picture of the coerced BJ in question has surfaced and it looks like the only thing that can save Mackey's career. One "job" saving another, if you will.
I nominate that scene as THE most disturbing movie/TV moment of all time. Seriously, even though it was fictional, I couldn't sleep the night I watched it. It was so horrible, I won't even post the video, I'll just link to it, as if that will save me from the horrible memory.
Here are the rest of my Disturbing Fictional Moment Top (Bottom) 10. FHM did a similar list last year. I think it was "Horrifying Moments" or something like that. But the No. 1 was Kathy Bates climbing into a hot tub in "About Schmidt." We care about our audience too much to pull a lame stunt like that.
Why Are We Working On Manny's Birthday?
Today is Manny Ramirez's 35th birthday and for some ridiculous reason, 
May 30th is not a state holiday in Massachusetts. It's ridiculous. The guy is the second greatest hitter in Red Sox history- yes, he is- and yet, he's not worthy of a state holiday. No wonder why Mitt Romney left six years ago.
I love Manny. Not quite as much as Julian Tavarez does but I have a little man crush on the guy. Manny just makes life better. As David Ortiz once said, "Manny is a crazy motherfucker." And harmless crazy motherfuckers that crank 40 homeruns and hit .300 are more than welcome on my favorite team.
It's hard to come up with a list of all of my favorite Manny moments but here are few of my fondest off the top of my head:
- holding the Jeter sign during the World Series parade
- peeing
- hitting a homerun in his first Fenway at-bat
- not getting traded and then getting the game-winning hit
- the catch against Yankees in 2004 ALCS (I think...)
- naming both of his sons Manny, Jr.
- losing his $15,000 diamond earring sliding into third
- running onto the field after he became a US citizen
- the handshakes and hugs
Gays Cause Eating Disorders
This post contains images not safe for work.
Nobody's looking, show them I'm not at work, always show all NSFW images
If you "always show" NSFW images, it will last until the end of the browser session.
If I was a catty gay guy, and despite knowing the lyrics to Defying Gravity, 
I'm 99.8% sure that I'm not, I would probably refer to Beth Ditto as a "fat slob that needs to shave her pits and stop soaking her Big Mac's in lard." But since I'm an enlightened heterosexual male and appreciate that all women, regardless of size or personal hygiene, are goddesses, I would never sink to the gays' shameful level.
According to Beth, who stands a Puckett-esque 5 feet and 210 pounds- that's 210 pounds of jaw-dropping, sultry femininity, the reason that women feel self-conscious about their bodies is because of all the gay guys in the fashion industry.
"If there's anyone to blame for size zero, it's not women. Blame gay men who work in the fashion industry and want these women as dolls," Beth said in the newest issue of NME.
Sing it, sister!
It's about time that gay men took responsibility for their long history of objectifying women. Here at Barstool Sports, we celebrate all women, be it the skinny girls with big boobs or the really skinny girls with really big boobs. We're FeminYsts with a capital FY for "Fuck yeah, we're feminysts!"
So, if you're a parent and your daughter is reading Pink Is The New Blog or those women-hating gays in the Weekly Dig or listening to Elton John or watching Top Gun, do the right thing. Don't expose your daughter to the harmful effects of the gays. Give her a Hustler or Playboy. Let her watch some Cinemax. Expose her to confidence-building role models like Jenna Jameson and Hugh Hefner.
The gays are after your impressionable daughter. Save her before she becomes all toned and healthy.
Topps Wants To Kill You
Greg Oden's first endorsement- a $3 million deal to appear on a Topps basketball card with Bill Russell.
If you're a hardcore Celtics fan and you see this card, I have to imagine that you are 80% more likely to go on a multi-state killing spree. At a minimum, upon seeing the Oden-Russell card, a hardcore Celtics fan is guaranteed to wet his pants, suckerpunch the nearest Mormon and masturbate to this video, in no particular order. And that's the best case scenario.
When does the Yi Jianlian-Larry Bird card come out?
And when am I going to get a call from RISD to teach graphic arts? My skills are considerable.
Director Goes Apesh-t on Lily Tomlin On Set of I Heart Huckabees
All in all this would qualify as just another day at the Stool. Sometimes the talent (our writers) just needs to be put in their place. All I want to do is collaborate with them, but lots of times they think they're too cool or smart to listen to what El Pres has to say.
PS - My favorite part of the video is when the assistant takes the papers to the face in the corner
I'm Confused. So ARod Isn't Really Banging Jeter? Really? They Made A Nice Couple.
Look at ARod, what a team player. The Yankees are mired in last place, 14.5 games behind the first place Red Sox, their 2007 season a complete and utter disaster. And what does ARod do? He cheats on his wife with some random blonde in full view of a photographer from the New York Post, guaranteeing that no one in Tri-State area will be talking about how much the Yankees suck today.
It will be all A (his wife is going to get the R-o-d in the divorce) all the time.
Do you see Derek Jeter stepping up and banging starlets before must-win games? Nope. Do you see Jorge Posada throwing orgies in his hotel room so that no one will be talking about the Yankees' pitching staff? Not a chance. Do you think that Jason Giambi is going to whip out his shriveled junk and get the steroids discussion rolling again? No way.
When push came to shove, ARod put the team above himself and finally gave his teammates some breathing room.
ARod finally earned his pinstripes.
No Youk = No Justice
Kevin Youkilis' giant head deserves to go to San Francisco for the 2007 All Star Game.
But because of MLB's nefarious All Star Game voting regulations, Youk is not on the fan ballot. The Red Sox decided to go with Big Papi at first base since the game is being held in a NL park, leaving Youk without a spot on the ballot.
So, Youk's only chance is to hope that either (A) Jim Leyland has any idea who he is, or (B) get elected as a write-in candidate. Since Leyland is old and cranky, Youk's best bet is probably the write-in.
Why does Youk belong in San Francisco? Here is where Youk ranks among AL and major league (Youk's major league rank is in parentheses) first basemen in ten key statistical categories:
- Batting average- .358- 1st (1st)
- Extra base hits- 25- 2nd (3rd)
- On base percentage- .432- 1st (2nd)
- Slugging percentage- .570- 2nd (3rd)
- OPS- 1.002- 1st (1st)
- RBI's- 30- 4th (7th)
- Total bases- 110- 2nd (4th)
- Hits- 69- 1st (1st)
- BA RISP- .383- 1st (3rd)
- Noggin Size- gigantic- 1st (2nd)
No Youk = No Justice.
The "No Yankees Talk" Ban Is Pushed Back Again; This Pinstripe Debacle Is Too Much Fun
Did I stay up until 1:40 AM just to make sure that Barstool Sports was the first site to post a video of Aaron Hill stealing home?
Yes.
And it was worth it.
Life is good.
Top 25 Goals From Europeans, South Americans & Africans That You Don't Know
The Sun (UK) recently ran a piece about the best goals in football history. Yes, that's football as in soccer (I'm working to improve America's image abroad).
But it must have been a pretty busy day over at The Sun- Posh Spice's nipples must have made an appearance- because they neglected to include video for all of the goals. That's just some shoddy journalism from my favorite Limey tabloid. Maybe you guys need a refresher course; it's all YouTube videos nowadays.
So I reviewed The Sun's list and decided that it was a little- not surprisingly- pasty English guy heavy. And since I'm an American, own FIFA for my Xbox and watch the World Cup every four years, I feel more than qualified to augment The Sun's list and put together a list of the Top 25 Goals in History. Because American involvement makes everything better. Even soccer.
The first 11 videos are The Sun's list. The other 14 are my additions.
Andres Vasquez vs. Orbero
Carlos Alberto vs. Italy
David Beckham vs. Wimbledon
Diego Maradona vs. England
Lionel Messi vs. Getafe
I'm going to have to guess that this is fake.