Random Thoughts

Seriously did this just happen? We've been planing this, writing about this, dreaming about this for months. Ever since UB came to Barstool Sports this was on the horizon. Oden was to be the next Celtic to lead us back to the promise land. Durant was the runner up prize that would grow into the next Michael Jordan or at least a reasonable facsimile. My buddy Cam had money set aside for season tickets for next year. Barstool was prepared to feud with Bob Ryan once he became the Celtics number one writer again. We had a future of promise with more Brady, more free spending Red Sox and a full TD Banknorth, at least when the Bruins were on the road.

And now, it's all over...And that's the hardest part. Today, everything is different. There's no action. I have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food. Right after the draft screw job I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce and I got egg noodles and ketchup. The Celtics are an average team. They get to live the next 10 years like a schnook.

Anyone interested in writing about the 2007-08 Celtics? Because I assume El Presidente will be sending up the Bat Signal sometime around mid-October looking for someone who'll be willing to watch the C's three times a week next season. And the thought of watching this dog's breakfast of a roster struggle to 38 wins has me dreaming of becoming our full time "The Office" specialist.

This sucks on toast.

From Celtics.com

This is my head. Can't fucking believe we got number 5. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!!? The worst possible fucking spot. Actually shaking right now, so fucking mad!!! This stupid fucking system. THIS FUCKING PIN HEAD GUY, Fuck the Hawks, Fuck Seattle, Fuck Portland...

Portland and Seattle. There's you're fucking future. Hope you enjoy it David Stern and the rest of your fucking league you shit head. You just joined the list with Pitino of guys that will be knocked out cold if seen on the street!!!

Siiiiggghhh....

Horrible. Just friggin' horrible, horrible news. Another ten years of wandering in the wilderness, breaking out my Larry Bird Hallmark Christmas tree ornament and reminiscing about past glory.

I'm now officially reduced to being one of those old farts who talks about how much better things were back in the day. Floobity floo.

Fire Danny now.

8: 50 F U C K the NBA

8:49 pm - -

6. Bucks

7. Timberwolves

8. Bobcats

9. Bulls

10. Kings

11. Phoenix

12. 76ers (Why is my heart racing when UB knows it's not going to be the Cs before 5.

13. NO Hornets

14. LA Clippers

8:48 pm - - Fuck, Tommy looks pissed...Maybe it's because they sat him next to Jerry West...

8:46 pm - - We'll know once we see Tommy's face if we got a top 2 spot...

8:45 pm - - Hey Larry's here!

8:41 pm - - Why does everyone think David Stern is such a great commissioner? He took over the reigns from Larry O'Brien when Larry and Magic were already in the league. He rode MJ's coat tails in the 90s and since then he's wasted tons of money trying to promote the game over seas, rather than at home. Meanwhile, the NBA has spun it's wheels as the #3 national sport, losing ground to NASCAR.

8:30 pm - - Here we go...time to pray...

8:17 pm - - Okay, Lowell hits a solo homer, so it's now 4-0 and UB is flipping over to ESPN til the drawing. Dan Patrick just interviewed Oden and Durant. Oden sounds a little brighter, though he did say if this doesn't work out then he's gonna earn money break-dancing.

FUCK YOU JON BARRY

Prick, and former Cs draft pick who wouldn't play for us just said he GUARANTEES the Celtics get the 1st pick. "I feel it in my gut!" Dickhead is just trying to jinx us...As is this clown at Hurricane O'Riley's who already has an Oden jersey.

7:37 pm - - Things UB would be willing to do/give up for a 1 or 2 pick:

- Shave Head, get a tattoo, a Red Sox sweep by the Yankoffs in this (and only this series), 1 start missed by Tom Brady in 2007-08, pinkie toe, the Boston Bruins (actually you can have them for a top 3 pick), hearing in 1 ear, sex for a negotiable amount of time, beer for a month (you got it, no deer for a month), red meat for a year, porn for 6 months, writing in the 3rd person...

7:20 pm - - Alessandra Ambrosio's pulling for the Cs tonight...

7:17 pm - - MANNY!!! 3 run homer!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Man did he crush that ball...Lets get him going here for cripes sakes...Don't even care that JD Drew grounds out for the 800th time this season...

7:14 pm - - Yankoff fans just finished the chanting for each player until they tip their cap thing...Are they going to be doing this at the end of the season when they are 20 games out and the place is half empty? They'll probably have to bring the paper so they know who the call-ups are...

7:09 pm - - So the Sox-Yankoffs have started. Thankfully this will take the edge off...Imagine that, watching the Sox-Yanks to be LESS stressed...

6:29 pm - - Fear not, Larry David picks the Celtics...

6:24 pm - - WBZ just did a good PKG..."Danny, find your center and be the ball!!"

4:56 pm - - So here we go. Ub's been listening to sports radio all day and is ready to see this cruel procedure play out...Lets get it on!!...Any minute now...Fuck. Still hours to go. Well might as well fill the time posting some stuff...Let's begin with this clip of Sir Charles Barkley from back in 1997. The round mound of rebound called out the Spurs, saying that they were cheating by sitting players out in order to get the #1 over all pick. Chuck goes on to say they will be haunted by Bad Karma...Any day now:

Celtics Lottery Pick Message Board

Suicide Hotline (just in case)

Are you about to throw up like UB? My hair is standing on end, my finger nails are just about gone, and we still have hours to go before we learn if the Celtics get the 1 or 2 pick in this year's draft...So if you need someone to help you ride it out, then stay tuned to BarstoolSports.com tonight where fate rides shotgun!!!

I've been AWOL for a few days because I took my Sweet Irish Rose and our little angels down to Disney World.

This isn't my first rodeo, so I knew going in that a Disney trip, while fun as hell, isn't to be enjoyed; it's to be endured. You don't go there to relax, you go there to beat the crowds. To outwit, outplay, outlast. You have to do your research, have a gameplan, and be smarter than everyone else. You need to hit the rides before the lines get long, then be exiting the park while all the clueless tourists from Piscataway are waddling in, wondering why there's a 45 minute wait for "Peter Pan's Flight." On a Disney vacation, You. Play. To. Win. The. Game.

And as much as the pervasive happiness of the place and the unrelenting friendliness of the Disney employees rubs off on you, eventually all the planning, all the running around and all the logistical brainwork wears out your patience and inner Masshole comes out. With me, it came by Day 3. And it came in the form of hating the handicapped.

Not the real handicapped, of course. I'm talking about the phoney baloney fat handicapped. The handifat.

The Disney transportation system is a marvel. They have complimentary bus service from anywhere to anywhere else. They operate according to need so you never need to wait more than 15 minutes, even in the hugest crowds. We probably averaged six bus trips a day, and of those six easily five of them required us to stand there for ten minutes in the broiling Florida sun while the bus driver had to load some Whopper-addicted lardass on the bus with the handicap elevator.

This by no means is a rank on legitimately impaired people. If you're elderly and outlived the use of your legs, more power to you. If you're some kid in Forrest Gump leg braces, you're in my prayers. If you're some disabled veteran, me and my kids thank you everyday for our very lives. But if you're just some handifat, tooling around in a power cart because your ass is two axehandles wide, than you owe me a substantial portion of a very expensive vacation.

I'm on record as admitting I'm partial to fat guys. But when I rule the world (and trust me, it won't be long now), the days of them being treated like legitimately sick people are over. Walk it off, Tubby. Then your next salad is on me.

This video has been circulating around the web the last couple days. It's not that great, but neither are we so whatever.

Let's pretend for a minute your a writer for a hit television show.  I'm talking a huge hit, one that has been around for, I don't know, let's say five seasons or more. Let's also say this show has hundreds of web sites devoted to it, a rabid viewing audience that waits for each season with anticipation bordering on fanaticism, and that it's main character has so pervaded the nations consciousness that his name has become synonymous  w/ violence and torture, two of the shows hallmarks.  The show is so popular, there is even talk of  a full length feature movie.   That would have to be a pretty good show, wouldn't it?  

Let's say that your nearing the end of the show's sixth season.  Now the sixth season hasn't gone quite as smoothly as previous ones.  As with any program that has been around as long as this show, the comparisons to previous years lead to the inevitable " it's not as good as it used to be", " this season sucks", "nothing happens anymore", etc, etc.  The plot lines have meandered a bit off course, and there doesn't seem to be any real direction as the climax approaches. Instead of anticipation, fans are looking forward to just getting it over with.  

Now, with only two episodes left, two chances to redeem yourself and totally erase the  nightmare that has been this season, what would you, as the writer, do?  Would you, as in past seasons, kill off a main character, someone who was an integral part of the story?   Maybe kill off more than one character, changing the scope of the entire show.  Maybe end the show with the lead characters life hanging in the balance, leading to speculation about  "what happens next"  being the number one water cooler topic the next day.  I would say you couldn't go wrong with any of the above scenarios.  So long as you didn't turn the last few scenes into a soap opera, with, I don't know, say the lead character launching into a ten minute soliloquy about how rough he has had it over the past years , before slowly walking out while the camera closes in on his emotionally wracked face, staring into an abyss, wondering where life will take him from here.  As long as you don't go that route I'm sure the show will be great.  I really, really, really hope the producers of the "Sopranos" take this advice to heart ( what did you think I was talking about?)

Random thoughts now that our long national nightmare is finally over:

As often as they resigned, unresigned, got fired and arrested, Karen and Bill would probably have better job security if they went  to work for Gonzalez over at Justice.   I  really would loved to have  seen Bill's family photo album.  You know there were pictures of him and Karen on their honeymoon, in Hawain shirts, drinking Pina Coladas,  Bill wearing dark socks with sandals. Btw, do you think Condelleeza Rice has a home answering machine with her voice on it?  Why do Bill & Karen even need a home phone.  Who would actually have that number?   I think it would be great if their machine picked up and it was Bill, with his deep voice, singing the George Costanza  " Believe it or not" jingle ("Believe it or not the Buchanan's aren't  at home, were out fighting terror and cant get to the phone".  Try getting that song out of your head the rest of the day.)  

Nadia always thought Doyle would be the perfect guy if only he had Milo's eyes, but she may have a tough time pulling that one off now that his brother already claimed the body.  Of all the difficult calls Nadia had to make in the last two hours, including helping Jack and Bill save Josh, none was more important then her decision to get extra security to help contain Marilyn. It's slightly more plausible that Jack is always able to escape CTU custody now that we see how much trouble they have containing a middle aged soccer mom. CTU ought to seriously consider hiring those guys from Burns Security that keep me from sneaking down into the field boxes at Yankee Stadium .

And in the second month, the angel Gabriel was sent from God to CTU, in a city called Los Angeles, to a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Morris, and that virgin's name was Chloe. And the angel said unto her: "Hail, full of grace, the Lord is with you, blessed are you among women. Fear not, Chloe, for you have found grace with God. Behold you shall conceiveand bring forth a son and you shall call him Edgar and he shall have an IQ of 170 or better. (I'm absolutely certain that's how it happened)

I'm sure the production meeting went something like this: "Okay, in  past season finales we've killed his wife, had him chop off his partners hand, pretend he was dead and last year we had him kidnapped by the Chinese. This season, I've got something much, much bigger and even more dramatic. What do you say this year we have him kiss his comatose girlfriend on the forehead and then go and stare at the ocean for five minutes. I know, I know, it sounds pretty crazy and we probably can't sneak it past the network censors, but come on, viewers love Keifer, viewers love the ocean, it's perfect".  

Is there any doubt that Danny Ainge will pick Yi Jianlian if the Celtics fail to land either the first or second pick in tonight's NBA Draft Lottery? I mean this is a guy who was quoted in today's Globe claiming that "Not many people thought Dirk Nowitzki and Paul Pierce would be impact players when they were drafted." If Ainge honestly believes that people didn't think that Nowitzki and Pierce were going to be impact players after the 1998 Draft then he is surely gullible enough to pick Yi Jianlian at three or four.

Just look at Yi dominate in China! And China has like a 1,000,000,000 people. If Yi is the second best Chinese basketball player then he has to be awesome!

The Globe's Shira Springer suggests that the Celtics will opt to trade for a veteran if the team loses out on Greg Oden or Kevin Durant. She brings up Kevin Garnett and Jermaine O'Neal. What Celtics fan wouldn't love to see KG and Pierce together but I would guess that there's about a 1% chance of a Celtics-Timberwolves trade actually happening.

What do the Celtics have that would entice Minnesota GM Kevin McHale to move KG? As bad as McHale is at "general managering," is he really going to move his franchise's marquee player and one of the NBA's top talents for Al Jefferson, Delonte West and the chance to pick Al Horford or Corey Brewer?

It's too bad that Tommy Heinsohn isn't the GM of the Timberwolves because Garnett would already be in Boston. Heinsohn, who was either drunk or wicked drunk when quoted, claims that "If Al Jefferson was coming out today, he'd be the No. 1 pick."

"So, we got the No. 1 pick a couple years ago with foresight."

And as any NBA fan knows, the real key to winning is getting the No. 1 pick a couple of years ago with foresight.

And the answer is....

CHLOE SEVIGNY

What's the deal with Chloe Sevigny anyway? Is she hot? Is she ugly? Is she kind of hot? I think the answer is that she's not hot for Hollywood, but she is hot for State Street Bank or something. Also, for some reason I can never think of any movies that she's been in even though I know I've seen a bunch with her in it. It's a real enigma. Anyway, let's rank her ass (no pun intended)

Apparently Gypsy Bar is throwing a big party around the fact that AJ from the Sopranos is going to be there this Friday.    Apparently Meadow was booked for the weekend.  Honestly, I wonder what number choice AJ was on the list to host this party?   I’m being dead serious when I say that I think I’m a bigger draw than AJ Soprano.   Because I know at least The First Lady and Chisholm will show up so that makes it El Presidente 2 AJ Soprano 0.     Seriously, do you think anybody is going to go to Gypsy Bar this Friday because AJ is there?   Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that Gypsy will be mobbed because it’s always mobbed, but nobody will be there to see this him.   Can anybody think of a party in Boston hosted by a weirder celebrity than this?

Thanks to Ratty for the link...

Am I the only one that thought the mom was going to stuff her kid's face in her boobs at one point? There is no doubt in my mind that this kid has watched his mom get nailed in every position possible in every room of the house possible, by every shape, color, and type of man or woman on the planet.

UB found this gem

Dear Johnny,

No matter how high you mousse your hair, it's still painfully obvious that you're going bald.

Give it up.

Sincerely,

Jamie

The Sun - He’s bald and podgy, with a pock-marked face, and is easily the ugliest man in the room. She sidles into the chair next to him.

‘Hi, gorgeous,’ she purrs. The man’s gargoyle face breaks into a toothless smile.

The good-looking men know they don’t stand a chance.

Selena has dated her fair share of hunks, but has given up on gorgeous guys because they’re dull – both in and out of bed.

‘I can’t imagine anything more boring than classic handsome looks,’ she says. ‘I prefer no teeth, baldness and piercings to model looks.

And Selena is not alone. In a recent study, sociologist Diane Felmee found only a third of women said looks were the first thing that attracted them to a man. Most preferred a sense of humour or financial and career success.

Let me just say that I don’t think this study would work in Boston.   I haven’t seen too many hot chicks running around with ugly dudes.  Unless of course they were rich and in that case I don’t think we really need a study to figure out that hot chicks like rich dudes.   Regardless, I wonder whether the “ugly guys” in this article were kind of insulted that they were being called hideous looking?   I guess it doesn’t matter when you’re dating a hot chick.  I mean who cares what you look like if you’re pulling tail right?     As a side note, I don’t know where the 3^rd chick gets off thinking she’s some type of smoke show.    She is dating exactly who she should be dating with her looks.

Last night's Heroes season finale was, in a word, strange. The long-hyped Peter Petrelli-Sylar confrontation ends with Nathan Petrelli apparently dying (even though his brother could have flown himself to outer space), Parkman apparently surviving five gunshots to the chest at close range, DL apparently surviving a gaping gunshot wound to his abdomen, Sylar apparently surviving a sword through the chest, Peter apparently surviving blowing up in outer space, Hiro apparently being transported to old, old school Japan and Claire and Noah Bennet going back to Texas and cheerleading practice.

As I was watching the finale, I got the feeling that the show's creators had a great ending planned but once the show became a huge success and NBC ordered up another season, they had no idea how to close out Season 1.

Great season finales need to have some sort of breakthrough or shocking twist or unexpected main character death. Last night's Heroes had none of that. In fact, as far as I can tell, virtually nothing has changed from the first episode to the season finale. Nathan Petrelli is dead and there is some other bad guy out there that Molly can't find. Other than that, it's still a bunch of weirdos that refuse to use their superpowers for anything cool.

Here's my theory on the show: I think Heroes is all about class division. You have your Petrelli's, Linderman, Charles Deveaux and Nakamura's. The elite- rich, powerful and superpowerful. And they are all connected in some sort of shadowy conspiracy.

Then you have your Parkman, Sprague, Sylar, DL and Niki/Jessica. Blue collar nobodies with superpowers. All manipulated or hunted by the elite weirdos.

I think that the underlying story of Heroes is less about good and evil or slutty cheerleaders and more about class division and the elite weirdos eliminating their blue collar competition to ensure that they remain in charge.

And I'm not high right now.

ex-on-er-ate

-verb (used with object), -at-ed, at-ing.

1. to clear, as of an accusation; free from guilt or blame; exculpate: He was exonerated from the accusation of cheating.

Is there anything funner than watching a professional athlete try to wrap their brain around a word he doesn't know?

WAGA reporter Marc Teichner asks Vick if he will be exonerated of the dog-fighting accusations and hilarity ensues. Vick hears the word and hits the brakes. You can practically see the wheels turning.

"Shit, I've heard that word before. Exonerated. Damn. What the fuck does it mean? God, I wish I was at a dog fight right now so I wouldn't have to be worrying about what the fuck exonerated means. Shit. Take a deep breath, Mike. Survey the entire fiel...fuck that, scramble! Scramble! Scramble!"

The thing that makes this video great is that the dude wasn’t even close to making this dunk happen.  I mean the chick didn’t move an inch and she still got crushed.  It honestly looked like she was trying to take a charge.   If I didn’t know any better I’d say this guy never practiced this dunk.  Is it possible that this was a spur of the moment thing? I has to be, but it can't be all at the same time.

NYPOST.com - A Staten Island mom is blaming her son's injury during a Little League game on a bum education in base-running.

In a new twist on an old rite of passage, Jean Gonzalez is suing a beloved veteran coach for not teaching her son Martin how to slide properly, according to a lawsuit filed on May 4.

The litigation stems from an ill-fated play exactly three years earlier, when Martin, then 12, whacked his first hit of the season and was told to go for second by his first-base coach.

When he slid into second base, he suffered "serious bodily injury" that required multiple surgeries and caused "permanent scarring and disability," according to the suit filed in Staten Island Supreme Court. The suit did not specify the dollar amount of damages.

Martin's coach, Leigh Bernstein, the New Springville Little League, and its international umbrella organization, Little League Baseball and Softball Inc., are all named as defendants in the suit, which charges them with never teaching him "skills needed to avoid and/or minimize the risks of injury," specifically how to run bases and slide.

Bernstein was also surprised by the suit.

"I've been coaching for over 20 years, and have instructed players in the various skills required to play baseball, including sliding," he said. "Unfortunately, injuries happen. That's part of the game."

Despite the exhaustive training, injuries do occur, said Little League Baseball spokesman Chris Downs.

"You can instruct players thoroughly on techniques. That does not necessarily mean that the proper technique will be used in a game," he said.

Does this mother this is Friday Night Lights or something?   See this is what wrong with America.   And I’m not even talking about the fact that the mom is suing the entire world because her kid can’t fucking slide into 2^nd base without breaking himself.  I’m talking about the fact that the coach needs to tippy toe around his answer.    Listen if some crack pot mother has the balls to sue your ass because her kid is a joke than you should tell her exactly what is your mind.    Bottom-line is the reason this kid hurt himself sliding is the same reason he only got one hit all season.   He sucks at sports and he sucks at life.   This dork shouldn’t even be allowed on the field to begin with.  He belongs at home watching Dr. Science on PBS.  If anybody should get sued it’s the mother for forcing her loser kid to try out for Little League.  This is rule #1 on why Little League should get rid of the 2 inning rule.  Not all kids are equipped to play little league.  The world needs ditch diggers too.

I’ve never been the Preakness, but by all accounts it’s a total disaster.  And I think this video helps validate that fact.     Regardless, I got a couple of questions regarding this video.   First of all, how desperate must you have to be to go to the bathroom that you’d get in one of these porta potties?  I mean even under the most optimal conditions it’s never fun to use a porta potty.  Combine this with the running of the urinals and I think I’d rather shit my pants than get in that thing.   Second, would you say the guy who started and then jumped off is smart or dumb?   He gets major smart points for quickly realizing that running across a line of porta potties while people chuck full beer cans at your head is stupid.  However, he gets major dumb points for even attempting it in the first place.  I think it’s a draw. 

 Finally the highlight of the video is the guy who gets knocked out by the beer to the face.   The only thing that would have gotten the crowd more excited would have been if a pterodactyl swooped down and ate him.  I mean they go nuts when he hits the ground.

Thanks to Z for sending this

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com