Oh man something must be striking Hayden funny...

What?! Oh shit, she's not laughing, she's trying to get out of being groped by this guy...Maybe this dickhead isn't aware that:

1. Hayden is 17

2. UB is a connected guy

There, that's better...

Will someone also keep Ali Larter away from Hayden! She keeps stealing the hotness...

(Thanks to Johnny from Berkeley, CA with the assist)

BOSTON (AP)  Boston Red Sox right fielder J.D. Drew left Tuesday night's game against Detroit in the eighth inning after crashing into the outfield wall pursuing a home run. He bruised his lower back. Drew smacked into Fenway Park's short bullpen fence while chasing Brandon Inge's third-inning homer. Drew remained in the game until the top of the eighth, when he was replaced in the outfield by Eric Hinske. Drew was 1-for-3 with an RBI-single in the game and is batting .250 for the season.

Well here's the chance for the Sox to showcase Wily Mo Pena, right? If all that stuff was true about JD Drew and injury problems coming out of LA, then we should see him back on the field sometime around August? Fucking Tigers...

Well, not you Vida...

It should have been Lindsay Lohan shouting "I get it" at the end of Sunday's episode of the Sopranos. Sure we've had a lot of material regarding the coke-loving red-head lately, but we couldn't avoid mentioning that she is going to be performing her 1st sex scene in one of her new films, and it appears likely she'll be nude:

“At first I was like ‘I can’t do this, I’m getting my leg cut off. I don’t want to look like that in scenes, I want to look decent! But that was just me being young and stupid. And I have my first sex scene in it, which I always said I wouldn’t do. I wanted to do this movie so people can see that I’m a fucking actress and I’ve been doing it forever and it’s about time people see that. It felt so good to really get to act.”

You hear that Jessica Alba? Forget this actress with clothes on thing you keep telling people about. Lindsay has seen the writing on the wall. Just take a look at the Oscar nominees in the best actress category every year...It's almost always filled with ladies who have stripped on the silver screen...Now if Lindsay keeps it on after this implication of nudity, then UB is just going to lose it...It's also worth mentioning that Maxim has named her #1 on her Hot 100 list...That's kind of a stretch, but whatever...

Are these things on?

If these Jessica Alba pictures from GQ aren't safe for work, then this isn't America.

There wasn't a chance in hell that I was going to make you press a button to see these photos. They should be required reading in American high schools.

And there's a video too.

Click here to see the rest of the pictures. Prepare yourself though. If you have heart problems, you probably want to be sitting down.

I have a Phd in Bedroom Eyes and those, my friends, are a textbook example of bedroom eyes.

And if you want to be the coolest kid in the office on casual Friday, then you better move quick and order one of these t-shirts.

Needless to say, these techniques are far from traditional...

As you may have seen this morning, we had problems with the photos on BSS and weren't able to recover the Wake Up with Tina Fey post. Of course now with UB working another night shift he can finally post the pics...(Apologizes to whoever originally requested her (it wasn't UB) as that email was deleted last night...

Looking for someone to Wake Up to? Ub@barstoolsports.com

For whatever reason this story is really bothering me.  I wasn’t there, I don’t know anyone who was there; but it’s just really bothering me.  Who the fuck decided it would be a good idea to play “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” in the middle of the Alaskan Cruise Ship midnight evacuation?  What are you kidding me?  That might be the most annoying song you could possibly come up with to play under those conditions.  It’s dark, it’s cold - people are scared for their lives jumping into lifeboats, calling friends and loved ones as their lives flash before their very eyes -- and some donkey band leader cues up fucking Harry Caray?! 

Personally I would’ve rather heard either “The Theme From The Love Boat” or the GNR version of “Knock-knock-knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”. Either one would've been more fun than "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".

Obviously the donkey band leader got the idea from the movie “Titanic” when the band continued to play Celine Dion songs while Leonardo DiCaprio (and others) were getting tossed all over the sinking ship.

Hey, if the Alaskan Cruise Band was going for “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”, at least they could’ve asked Devin Hester...

*Us magazine is reporting that 26-year-old Kim Kardashian, most recently seen in a sex tape with ex-boyfriend Ray J, is now out in the open with her man, 22-year-old New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush.     

      Introduced last year by Kim’s homegirl, Paris Hilton and Bush’s former USC teammate, Matt Leinart, the two began dating casually earlier this year after Kardashian broke up with Nick Cannon in January, Us reports.  But their down low romance has since blossomed into a full public display of affection, according to the magazine.   

     While attending an April 15th Samsung party at an L.A. mansion, the couple was seen holding hands and kissing in VIP, then leaving the party together. Last Saturday night, they dined together at the posh Ivy restaurant on paparazzi-littered Robertson Blvd. in Beverly Hills. Last May 10th, they were seen "grinding" and "making out" on the dance floor of L.A. nightclub Teddy’s, reports Us.    

See what we've been talking about? This is why every Utility-grade celebrity chick should make a sex tape. Do the math. Had anyone heard of this girl before  Ray J fired up the digital video camera? No chance. Being the daughter of one of OJ's lawyers ten years after the trial doesn't get you in the sack with the biggest young star in the NFL. Now she's running with the big dogs.

As a side note, for my money Bush is going to be THE celebrity swordsman in the NFL in the years to come. I still say Tom Brady will settle down once his baby is born, leaving the sexual field wide open for Bush. Bush has already boinked Nia Long and been kicked out/not kicked out of the Playboy mansion, and he hasn't even played out his rookie contract. Plus he's been a guest of the semi-doable Condoleeza Rice at the White House. I see an unlimited upside for this kid's penis.

Are some Boston fans really that scared of the Yankees that they can't look at the 2007 Red Sox and realize that the Sox are a really, really good baseball team?

Anytime I dare write that the Sox are going to win the AL East, the reaction is instantaneous: "But it's just the middle of May. The Yankees always come back and win in the end."

Really? I'm not ignorant of the Yankees' remarkable run of success in the AL East, nor am I'm predicting that there will no improvement in the Yankees' performance in the coming months. Obviously, the Yankees have come back in recent reasons to win the division. But I'm also not predicting that this Red Sox team is suddenly going to collapse in the dog days of summer. Why would I? Because the 1978 Red Sox did. Because the Red Sox's roster of All Stars is somehow so inferior to the Yankees' roster of All Stars?

Can anyone tell me when the Yankees were 8.5 games behind the Red Sox on May 15th and came back to win the division?

The fact is that since 1996, the Red Sox's largest lead over the Yankees at this point in the season was 4 games in 2002 (and because of some scheduling issues, the Yankees had actually played four more games than the Sox at that point of the season). You have to go back to May 15, 1984 to find a Yankees team that was actually farther back in the division race at this point in the season. Mattingly, Winfield, Guidry and Righetti were 13.5 games behind the juggernaut Tigers.

For all the talk of Yankees' comebacks, the fact is that the Yankees have almost always started well during Joe Torre's tenure. Outside of 2005 (5.5 back of the Orioles) and 2002, with Torre calling the shots, the Yankees have never been more than two games out of first place at this point of the season.

But forget all the history. Can a Red Sox fan that is peeing his pants because the Yankees are just 8.5 games back explain to me why he can't recognize that a team with a $140,000,000 payroll and a roster stacked with outstanding players may actually be able to hold its own with the Yankees? Is it really that ridiculous to think that a roster that includes players like Ortiz, Ramirez, Schilling, Beckett, Papelbon and DiceK will be able to hold its own against the Yankees? Are you really that petrified of pinstripes that you can't bring yourself to believe that Lugo, Drew, Varitek, Wakefield, Youkilis, Crisp and Lowell are not glorified AAA players masquerading as major leaguers?

It's not about the Yankees lacking talent; it's about accepting the devastating news that the Red Sox having a little bit of their own.

If the Yankees had a 8.5 game lead right now, you better believe that the AL East race would be declared over. Stop being such a bunch of wimps, Red Sox Nation, and have a little faith in a team with a $140,000,000 payroll and a 8.5 game lead in the division.

Yes, it's been over two weeks since the Patriots "drafted" Randy Moss, but it's taken that amount of time for me to come to grips with the fact that a man believed to be one of the most selfish players of his generation is coming to play for an organization that has won Super Bowls on the backs of unselfish players. Perhaps the longest "He's really going to play here?" phase I’ve ever gone through..

Those who believe Moss will bring another Super Bowl to New England either 1) are lemmings who approve of everything the Patriots say or do or 2) believe in the "Church of Piolichick", which apparently believes Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli have the power to turn divas into team players, bitch-slapping thugs into role models who drink milk, go to sleep at 11, and drive with their hands on 10 and 2.

If the Randy Moss experiment is successful, here are ten more people who through the "Church of Piolichick" could turn their lives and careers around.

10. Roger Clemens- A million dollars a start? Um no. Plane trips back and forth to Texas? Nah uh. Gil Santos having a Suzyn Waldman-esque orgasm over the news? Maybe. Let’s see Roger try to dick over two New England teams.

9. Rasheed Wallace- Thought of this when Sheed was rumored to be headed to the Celtics years back. Could this technical-magnet be tamed by the “Church of Piolichick”?

8. The Writers of '24'- After the phone-in job that was this season (more on this later in the week), it's obvious ‘24’ needs a kick in the ass and who better to give it to them than the “Church of Piolichick”. After one training camp in Foxboro, Jack Bauer will be all set to handle an escalating terrorist threat tied to a White House conspiracy linked somehow to his family, with the help of his new partner, Federal Agent Wes Welker.

7. Floyd Mayweather Jr.- While Pretty Boy Floyd might not need Belichick and Pioli to win another championship, a few hours of instruction in the fine art of oratory from Belichick would make his interviews are lot easier to understand.

Click here to check out the rest of this list which includes a random Allison Stokke photo...

Some of you are undoubtedly here for the first time because you saw this picture by Jamie Chisholm of Dan Shaughnessy watching his favorite TV pundit, Dan Shaughnessy, from the Seaport Hotel bar in the Inside Track today. Most of you probably saw it on the blog yesterday. Either way, I'd imagine by now everyone in Boston has seen it, except for Dan Shaughnessy.

See, Shank has never heard of us. At least that's what he told the Phoenix's Adam Reilly back in April:

When I asked Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy, a favorite Barstool target, for his thoughts on the paper, his reply suggested that he’d never actually picked it up. (“I really don’t know what it is,” Shaughnessy told me.)

So apparently he missed this item from our Feb. 7th issue, demonstrating how he works his journalistic magic.

And he must have been busy rereading his horrid books when Chisholm called him out for carrying out vendettas against Schilling, Nomar and Theo while simutaneously attacking notoriously "bad character" guys.

And the Curly Haired Boyfriend is probably collecting witty comments for his next "Picked Up Pieces" column every time we rip him a new one for his last "Picked Up Pieces" column.

Nice work by Chisholm. File this image away for the next time Shank rips Curt Schilling for "loving the sound of his own voice."

8.5 game lead. A dominant performance from DiceK. A solid win over the defending American League Champions. 12 of their next 18 games at Fenway. Six pivotal games against the Yankees.

Unless the Sox self-destruct against the Yankees and go 0-6 (which simply isn't going to happen), they could open June with a commanding lead in the division race. I realize that Yankees fans believe that the regular season doesn't start until sometime in the early fall but if the Sox enter June with this type of lead in the division and Curt Schilling, Josh Beckett, Tim Wakefield and DiceK aren't stricken with polio, the race is over.

So you might as well get to Fenway while the games still mean something.

Our friends at Tickets-For-Charity have plenty of tickets for the 12 games that may very well end the AL East before all those idiots are running for seats to watch the fireworks on the Esplanade. There really aren't any bad games- Tigers and Braves this week and then the Indians and Yankees from May 28th to June 3rd. Give them a call at 1-866-567-4576 to get tickets. They are a primary seller for the Sox which means they get access to the hardest to find tickets- State Street Pavilion, Monster, Right Field Roof Deck, and Infield and Outfield Grandstands. And if the ticket is priced at more than face value then the additional amount goes to charity.

Watch the Red Sox clinch and do some penance for that thing you did the other night. You know what you did, dirty boy.

AZCentral.com - SCOTTSDALE -There was soft music playing in the loft when the 17-year-old track athlete arrived at her coach's home after school. Tom Porras, 49, a former professional football player and substitute teacher and track coach at Saguaro High School, had asked the girl to come to his house to watch videos of other athletes doing the long jump.

He also asked if he could give her an "athletic massage."

But Porras' version of the "athletic massage" resulted in his indictment Friday on one count of public sexual indecency and one count of assault.

Porras told her to put on her two-piece bathing suit, and led her to a loft where he asked her to sit on an exercise ball.

He massaged her neck and shoulders then asked her to roll onto her stomach.

He fondled her buttocks beneath her bathing suit.

Porras kissed her neck, cheeks and buttocks, and told her that if she had questions about sex, he would answer them.

She declined.

The girl told police she "felt uncomfortable, but didn't know what to do."

She became alarmed when he ejaculated on her. He told her it was massage oil.

As she was leaving his house, her coach had one last piece of advice for her.

If she saw his son outside, she should tell him they were just "watching sports videos."

I’ve always said that there is a fine line between an athletic massage and a sexual massage.   Now to this girl’s credit she wanted to give her coach the benefit of the doubt.  I mean she put up with the soft music, ass fondling, kissing, talking about sex and wearing bikinis.   But even she became alarmed when the coach started ejaculating on her.   And who can blame her?   Beating off on somebody is a dead give away every day of the week and twice on Sunday.