In the week since its release, "Spiderman 3" has earned more at the box office than Roger Clemens has his entire career. I may actually be the last man in America who hasn't seen it, but it's not for lack of trying; I just simply haven't made it to the Giganto-plex yet.

Until I do, I'll have to satisfy my inner nerd some other way. The only way that a rational mind would: By organizing the Marvel Superheroes according to their best football positions, comparing them to their all time Patriots' equivalent, making a defense out of the Supervillains, and coming up with their comparable all Patriots-Killer players.

Somehow, it all makes perfect sense to me.

OFFENSE (Good Guys)

QB: Captain America
Everything you want in a QB. Unquestionable leadership qualities. Makes those around him play better. Great in the clutch. Not super fast, but very agile and able to move under pressure. Very accurate arm when throwing his mighty shield.
Equivalent Patriots Player: Tom Brady

RB: Iron Man
Tough. Durable. Able to withstand the hits. Also fast and strong. Has the power to hit the hole and the burst of speed to break it outside. Very smart.
EPP: Curtis Martin

FB: Nick Fury
Nasty as they come. Plays with a mean streak. Also versatile; can discern a defense's weakness and exploit it. Unparalleled ability to stop an opponent from getting to the man he needs to protect. Can also catch.
EPP: Sam Gash

WR: The Human Torch
Can flat-out fly. Speed to burn.
EPP: Stanley Morgan

WR: Spiderman
Not great speed, but good agility. Good as a slot receiver. Intelligent. Excellent presence, can sense pressure and get open. Great, great hands. Can hold onto anything. Capable of helping out on defense as he can cling to an opponent and tie him up.
EPP: Troy Brown

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