Random Thoughts

Wow. This guy makes the girl in the first clip sound like Whitney Houston at the Super Bowl. About half-way through he really kicks into high gear...

I'm sure everybody has seen this at least 1,000 times but that doesn't mean it's still not worth posting every now and again.

This week's "American Idol," featuring the music of Barry Gibb, raises an important question:

Is this season just stumbling badly to the finish line, or are we looking at the worst season of Idol to date?

Not for lack of talent; I think each of the final four brings something to the table in terms of singing ability. But the producers just keep making one gawdawful decision after another. I mean, Barry Gibb? I'm not hating on Barry...God bless him, he had a fine career...but is that as relevant as they could get? What, Murray Head wasn't available?

If Randy tells you you did a lousy job of singing a Barry Gibb song, do you take that as an insult, or do you just say "So what?" Does Simon really expect to churn out the next musical license-to-print-money based on his or her ability to sing "Night Fever?"

My brother Jack has been pounding on this point for years: Idol tries to feature every genre: American standards. Country. "Songs that inspire." Showtunes. Rock. Contemporary. What's the one they've never even touched? Hip hop. The biggest cash cow, the one that their 16-30 year old target demographic can't buy enough of, and they avoid it like it's Nazi Rally Anthems. Meanwhile they resurrect the buried corpse of Barry Gibb (what's with the Sean Connery accent, by the way?) and ask a 17 year old to make his songs her own. Ridiculous.

Next season on Idol, we can look forward to the following genre's finally getting their due:

• Bluegrass
• Sea Shanties
• Viking Songs
• Nursery Rhymes
• Hits of the 1890's
• Gregorian Chants.

As everybody knows, billionaire "celeb-u-slut" Paris Hilton was sentenced to a 45 day jail term the other day for violating the conditions of her probation. Well as you can imagine, her fans are upset. So much so that they've put together this historic, online petition... (Cue, "Battle Hymn of the Republic")

TO: Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (bahaha) and Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer and The City/County of Los Angeles

We, the founders of FreeParis.org, make an appeal to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer, and The City/County of Los Angeles on behalf of Paris Whitney Hilton, who was arrested on February 27, 2007 in connection with violating her probation, and sentenced to 45 days in county jail.

We are firm of the opinion that Paris Hilton was, infact, not in violation of her probation, and unaware her license was suspended. Furthermore, she was denied any proper alternative forms of punishment (Community service, house arrest, monetary penalties) for the misdeeds. Other celebrities have been slapped on the wrist for similar violations, including: Mel Gibson, Nick Nolte, Busta Rhymes, Eve, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, and Brandy. 

We ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to stop this and pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes and she didn't hurt anyone. It is a complete and unnecessary waste of taxpayer money to house Paris Hilton for 45 days in a county jail... 

I mean if you didn't choke up a little after that "Brandy" line, I don't see how you can call yourself an American. Just look at how cute and innocent she looks in that picture. (see above)  I just think it's a tragedy that this woman, who clearly had a rough upbringing as a child, is now headed behind bars. And for what?  Doing something illegal?  Yeah, sure, but does that make it against the law?  Not in the America I know. 

As the founder of freeparis.org said the other day, "No heiress should ever go to jail." Amen, God damn it. Amen.

Hopefully Governor Schwarzenegger does the right thing here and frees Paris Hilton, A., to protect the Constitution, and B,. so she can continue blowing and banging the shit out of guys across the country.

Sincerely,

Guys across the country

Lost Remote - - Well, you knew someone would try this sometime soon. Cox Communications is teaming with ABC and ESPN in an “unprecedented digital platform trial” by making top shows available on cable video on demand for free but with the fast-forward button disabled...In essence, they’re TiVo-proofing VOD in the hope it will attract new advertisers. (Some questions come to mind: How are the affiliates involved in this arrangement? How many commercials will VOD viewers sit through without getting frustrated and leaving? Would this supplant any DVR recordings of the same shows because people know it’s available on VOD?)

Is this a good trade off? Probably. Your TiVo fucks up and records the wrong show or it's gonna flip, but you'd rather watch the game, then having the show On Demand will be great. So you're stuck watching the ads. You would have to do that if it was live anyway.

What really sucks is that they plan to do it with sports on ESPN. The only times UB ever records a game is if he's gonna be late by about 10 minutes or so, meaning that it may not be possible to catch up during the commercials.

This could, however, be the beginning of the end of appointment viewing. From this point on you may find all networks moving their programming over to a VOD format, instead of giving people only the option to watch or tape at say 8pm.

These are actually American broadcasters, they just sound Japanese because they can't talk and watch Maria Sharapova get her inner thighs rubbed at the same time...

UPDATED: J-Lo's Nips tweaked (I Like Stuff request)

Natick's own Doug Flutie has been named to the Canadian Sports Hall of Fame. The former CFL superstar is the first non-Canadian to be inducted into this, um, prestigious hall. The honor from the great white north has reminded UB of a little Top 10 he did back in the Chowdahead days on the Best and Worst of Canada (Not counting Hockey). After a little spit shine polish, here is the breakdown:

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS NSFW MATERIAL...

Okay, here is today’s question of the day.  Is this photo gallery of the Patriots Cheerleaders in Punta Cana the worst photo gallery of all time?  The answer is obviously yes.   I mean when you publish a photo gallery of a cheerleader swimsuit photo shoot in Punta Cana you enter a social contract. You owe it to the public to show so much tits and ass that peoples eyes start to burn. Apparently the people at Boston.com didn't get this message because the most provocative picture in the entire group was probably this shot of a Frenchman’s junk.   

So do me a favor Boston.com and leave the smut peddling to the real smut publishers in this city like yours truly.   This debacle probably set the whole smut publishing movement back like 7 years.   Thanks a lot.

I try to find some reason, some little miracle to make each day worth living. Some days are harder than others. Some days, it's damn near impossible. But if you're patient, a day will come that brings you the unvarnished joy that comes in the form of a Dan Shaughnessy "Picked Up Pieces" column.

Today is such a day. Here's the tally from today's Pulitzer-worthy effort from the Curly Haired Boyfriend:

• Outdated Pop Culture References: 2 ("Evita," "Hannibal Lecter)
• Irrelevant Debate Topic No One But Dan Cares About: 4 (Roger Clemens HofF cap, ARod vs. Barry Bonds popularity, Donald Fehr's steroid policy, Manny and Ortiz pimping on HRs)
• Tired Boston-NY Comparison: 1 (Clemens' newspaper coverage)
• Specious Argument That Something Must Be Irrelevant If Dan is Ignorant of It: 1 (the Kentucky Derby)
• Shameless Promotion of Someone Dan is Friendly With: 4 (Frank Deford, Tim Kurkjian, Tony Pena, George Brett)
• Tedious Example of Living in the Past: 3 (1912 World Series, Bob Gibson, Bob Cousy)
• Admission That He Wonders Something But is Too Lazy to Go to Fenway and Get the Answer Himself: 1 (Wondering who the cop is that punches fists with Papelbon.)

So thanks to Dan, and to the Globe for making today worth living. The next time Shank's powerbook churns out this kind of lazy drivel can't come soon enough.

I'm expecting the quality of the Clemens-Pettitte Guy Love videos to improve in the coming weeks but this is a decent first effort.

NEW BRITAIN, Conn. — A man died while trying to outdo a rival with an acrobatic move while "battle dancing," police said. Robert Stitt, 48, and his rival were competing in a parking lot Monday night when he tried a forward flip and landed on his head."It was just two guys dancing. Everybody was laughing," Stitt's friend John Boxley said. Boxley said James Brown was on the radio and Stitt wanted to outdo a rival dancer, who had flipped in the air. Police said the victim went into cardiac arrest and was pronounced dead a short time at a local hospital. Police said several people were in the parking lot drinking and battle dancing — a competition in which each dancer tries one-upmanship with unique moves.

Obviously this story is a tragedy.  But at least Robert Stitt will be remembered for letting it all hang out in his last battle dance.  I mean it takes some serious balls for a 48 year old man to try and pull out the forward flip.    Unfortunately it didn’t work out for him, but I’m sure he knew the risk involved.   Battle Dancers are a lot like NASCAR drivers.   They’re always pushing the limits because it’s in their blood and it’s what makes them special. So when you’re out at the bar or club this weekend do me a favor and tip a 40 and bust a move for Robert Stitt.

Thank to Chris for the tip

I can just picture this being the staff of the Stool in like 10 years when we finally made it. I only understood roughly three sentences in this video but they were all winners.

"Look at those shoes...DAMN!!!!"

"I go to the strip club every day"

"I don't know what his record is but I know he never lost"

There has been plenty said about Barry Bonds lately, especially now that he's only 10 away from the record, but here's the question UB is posing to Stoolsville: Are you going to be at or around Fenway when the circus comes to town?

Think about this...Barry is tied for the record on Friday June 15th. Are you going to be one of the masses to line Lansdowne Street, hoping to get your mitts on a money making baseball? (Well if you do then you're a real moron as Bonds doesn't go the opposite way when he puts one out.) Tickets on Ebay are being offered up for hundreds, with "prime Bonds ball" seats going for over a grand. Or maybe you could tell your girlfriend you're going to grab a hot dog, but just happen to head to the concession stands behind the bullpen, ready to pop up the ramp when Bonds comes to the plate

If you do go are you going to bring a sign? A turkey baster? A battery? How many different chants will we hear? "Baaaaaarrryyy!" "Steeerrroooiiiddddss!" "Aaaaaassssss Hole!" "Sooooooog!" Well maybe not that last one.

Then there is Curt:

WEEI: "He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game... And I don’t care that he’s black, or green, or purple, or yellow, or whatever."

(Did 890's the Mike Felger Show actually play this clip yesterday, saying that it was from the Dan Patrick Show? Did anyone else hear Schilling on Dan Patrick? Or did Dan Patrick play the WEEI clip, and Felger's producer air it?)

What's gonna happen when (or if) Curt faces Barry? Will he come inside? He already said he doesn't want to go down as the new Al Downing. If, by chance, Bonds did take Schilling deep you know the noise from the press box would be the curly haired boyfriend putting Suzyn Waldman to shame...

If Bonds actually broke the record and the Sox fans broke the sound record (where's the "Garden Level" meter when you need it), you know that Bonds would once again claim that Boston is a racist city. His previous comments alone won't be forgotten.

There's a little more than a month to go in this, already exploding saga, can it possibly live up to the hype?

LOUISVILLE, Ky. —  The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville said he asked OJ Simpson to leave his restaurant the night before the kentucky Derby because he is sickened by the attention Simpson still attracts.

[Jeff] Ruby — who owns restaurants in Cincinnati, Louisville and Belterra, Ind. — said Simpson, who was in town for the Derby on Saturday, came in with a group of about 12 Friday night and was seated at a table in the back. A customer came up to Ruby and was "giddy" about seeing Simpson, Ruby said.

"I didn't want that experience in my restaurant," Ruby said, later adding that seeing Simpson get so much attention "makes me sick to my stomach."

Let this serve as a nice moral of the OJ story: Crime doesn't pay. Sure you might be idle rich, still living off your NFL pension and all the other money you've managed to keep hidden away from the Goldmans, golfing five days a week and hobnobbing around Churchill Downs on Derby Weekend, but try to order a T-bone at Jeff Ruby's place and you'll feel the cold sting of swift justice.

So this is the punishment for double homicide? It reminds me of an article SI did a while back about OJ's life today. It said that before the murders, he'd pull into the Bel Air Country Club, the valet would be washing his car while he'd play this pristine course with CEOs, and afterwards hot women would be hitting on him at the bar. Now, they said he's got to go to some crappy municipal course, the parking lot full of shitboxes, no one wants to play with him, and women in the bar won't talk to him. My first reaction: Great. Serves him right, the murdering bastard. My second reaction: Wait. That's MY life. Actually, that's a good weekend for me. I plan vacations that sound like that. So kill two people in the state of California and be sentenced to a lifetime of living like Jerry Thornton. Let that be a lesson to you all.

I applaud Ruby for what he did, but I think it was more a practical matter than a moral stand. I mean, how to you tell your staff to go serve that table? Or God forbid bring him a knife? OJ doesn't have the best track record when it comes to dealing with trendy restaurant waiters.

Simpson: That steak better be cooked right.

Waiter: Or you'll what? Oh, yeah...right.

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