Random Thoughts

Is it the bra that makes them look so perky you would just bust through rows of fans and a few security guards with guns just to do a little motorboating? Or did she get them packed like Paris Hilton's uterus? Other photos of the fun bags just made them seem a little on the saggy side...Thoughts?

From the DO: Just read your on the night shift and your looking for a Top Ten list to write about and thought I'd try and give you some ideas. Top Ten Songs that are great, but could make you question your sexuality, and if number one isn't Barbie Girl or Hanson I'd be surprised, I'd listen to MM bop right now and just jam, even though those floppy haired blondes look like the children of the corn...creeps.

DO, While UB has pulled a Michael Holly and listened to a few rounds of "Bringing Sexy Back," he wouldn't go as far to say he questioned his sexuality. Though listening to Dale and Holly can make you question your manhood. As for Mmmm Bob or Barbie Girl, UB could do them at a karaoke jam without much trouble, which is sad. As for a Top 10 of embarrassing songs, the list would go well beyond 10 of crap that for some reason or another UB once downloaded or stopped flipping the dial to hear the end of over the years...But in the interest of answering your question, here are a few that have stood out:

Billy Vera: "At this Moment"

This one has been locked into UB's brain since he saw that episode of Family Ties when he was 9 or 10. Now every time it comes on, the radio stops and UB is forced to belt out, "I would give up TWENTY YEEEEARS OF MYYYY LIIIIFE!!!!"

Peter Gabriel: "In Your Eyes"

This one is embarrassing. Would rank high on the pathetic scale. But UB got roped in to watching Say Anything in high school and you just gotta love Lloyd's balls out attitude. Making the call in the bathroom, stumbling over his words. Hits close to home.

Poison: "Every Rose has a Thorn"

There's not too many "Monster Ballads" that UB wouldn't stop flipping the radio stations in the car and start singing. These songs from Mid 80s hair bands are like time warp classics. (UB feels less bad after seeing Otto use it on his girlfriend while hanging out of his bus on the Simpsons and Bill and Ted using it to impress God in Bogus Journey...)

Walking on Sunshine: "Katrina and the Waves"

This one is just a favorite, always reminds UB of "Secret of My Success." Oh crap, that's two songs linked to Michael J. Fox...

Anything Phil Collins:

He's coming to Boston and UB's trying to get tickets. Do you think he'll have the Ultimate Warrior come out on stage to beat the crap out of him like in this video? Is this the strangest cross promotional gimmick of all times?

Well DO, there's your peek at UB's feminine side...What can he possibly do to get that manly feeling back?

Ah, that's better...

I know they've been playing this all day on both EEI and the FAN, but if you haven't heard it yet, click here to listen to Yankee radio announcer Suzyn Waldman (left) as she has her first on-air "sportsgasm" yesterday in the booth after Clemens' historic announcement.

Waldman, who grew up as Red Sox fan here in Boston, is in her 3rd year in the booth with play-by-play man/egomaniac John Sterling, who per usual, contradicts Waldman immediately after her sportsgasm.

The rest of the audio clip includes an interview with Clemens and the final out of yesterday's win over Seattle when Sterling gives "The Rocket" his first live rendition of "Yankees Win."

1. Cinco de Mayo celebrates a Mexican victory over France. France actually fought somebody?

2. It would have cost the bar $22,000.00 to air the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight. Something like $50 a head.

3. The Boston Cannons are our local Pro-Lax team. Their players know as much about UB as UB knows about them.

4. The Greatest Bar has like 20 floors. Every time UB got to the top of a set of stairs there was another set. A limited cardio-workout during my 2 weeks off prevented me from reaching the top.

5. When a bartender puts a lime in your drink, if you really want it then you should go ahead and slam it into the bottle. Getting back to the other side of the bar with 5 Coronas with 5 limes on top are not good odds. Manzo wouldn't even take a bet on that one.

6. Manzo is alive and well.

7. By about 11 if you haven't heard Sooooog yelling from across the bar, it ain't gonna happen.

8. Jillian (right) is UB's leader for 2008 Cover Model of the Year. This video is gonna be turned into a campaign commercial come November.

9. The bouncer at the Greatest Bar is a real life version of Bald Bull from Mike Tyson's Punch-out.

10. ELevin can make UB look really drunk with a special lens he brings to BSS parties.

This is way better than if fatty went back to the Astros. Seriously, isn't it fun to have Roger back on New England's Most Hated list? UB was there. At Fenway Park during his last regular season appearance in Boston. Along with everyone else in the Park, UB was on his feet applauding a fantastic career, even if it ended with the Yankoffs. This time around, there's a better chance of UB throwing a battery.

Hey Dr. Charles: Put away the plans for a Rocket Number Retirement. No more cleaning off the space on the left of Pudge and the right of Ted. Go ahead and give 21 to a September call up. This time fuck-o picked New York.

It's amazing to think, the day after, that he would have come back to Boston. He wasn't doing it for a ring or history or his family or boyfriend-Andy...It was for the money. His agents smelled how desperate the Yankoffs were, got a bid and still called the Red Sox to see what they would be offering. As Mike Lupica described Clemens, he's a hired gun. The Sox are one of a few teams that could put up serious money to compete with the Yankoffs offer and they just weren't going to be able to blow New York out of the water the way they did with Dice-K.

UB may be crazy, but how can Clemens possibly be anything close to what he was in Houston while with the Yankoffs? He's turning 45, he's not facing the weak ass NL line ups, he can only go 5-6 tops anyway and is adding another month of work more than he's been used to for years. And he's gonna have a welt from UB's batter in the back of his head to boot...

UB's favorite Clemens Lies:

1996: "I want to pitch closer to home"

1996: "I'll only play two places, Houston or Boston."

2000: "I thought it was the ball!"

2003: "This is my farewell tour."

2007: "I want to bring a championship to New York."

2007: "I want to help teach these young kids."

Fuck yeah! UB is pulling the night shift at BSS and he's fired up and he's taking requests! Babes, Top 10 lists, sexual positions...Whatever you are looking for, UB's your hookup...Leave your requests below or email me at UB@Barstoolsports.com.

Bring it on...

The first round of Cinco De Mayo Fiesta pictures are now up for viewing pleasure. My #1 question after looking at them is wondering who the hell is the girl on the right and why hasn't she ever been on the cover of the Stool before? This girl is gorgeous right? Anybody know who she is? Somebody has to know who she is! Let's Stoolify her ASAP!

I'm sure the last thing this girl needs right now is the Stool making fun of her so I'm not going to say anything too mean. Let's just hope that this is an awkward phase for Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's daughter. After all, I'd really feel bad for her if she not only inherited the crazy gene from her father, but the latent ugly gene as well.

(Bonus points to El Pres for correctly using latent in this sentence)

First off I thought the fight was disappointing.  I wouldn’t say “it sucked”, but it was definitely disappointing.  I friggin’ left the Barstool Fiesta to watch this thing and in no way, shape or form did it live up to the hype.  Is boxing “dead” now because of it?  Not at all.  But the best part, or at least most entertaining part, was Mayweather coming out wearing a backwards sombrero (somehow they could tell it was on backwards) and his entourage sporting red, green and white “Mexico loves Mayweather” t-shirts.  At that point I decided to root for Mayweather because I thought that was tremendous.  (see Youtube)

#2, I found out bars like The Greatest Bar normally don't get fights like this because cable companies charge them the cost of the fight ($65) times their MAX number of capacity.  So you figure if you have a 300 capacity, that’s $19,500.  My question is what if your bar sucks?  Clearly you’re never going to hit capacity if it's just you, your dog, and a couple of area degenerates.

#3, as far as the fight itself, there’s no doubt it was even for the first 7-8 rounds, but then Mayweather took control in 9, 10 and 11; the 12^th I’d give to De La Hoya, although Mayweather, to his credit, continued to trade blows.  The main problem with the fight was fairly easy to diagnose - nobody was hurting anybody.  And that, in the end, is what fans want to see -- both fighters giving them their $65 worth and being able to say “they left it all in the ring”.  I think most people would agree each fighter had at least 3 more rounds in them. 

Click here to watch 12th round.

#4, I also noticed that De La Hoya was way too happy after the fight.  Whether or not you feel like you’ve won or lost, you can’t be smiling when it’s over.  You lost.  Again.  De La Hoya, who looked like Soda Popinksi the way he towered over Mayweather, just didn’t look pissed-off enough after losing the biggest fight of his life.  

#5, As far as a rematch – “Ain’t gonna be no rematch.”   At least I wouldn’t think so.  What’s going to change in another year that would make anyone believe De La Hoya could beat this guy?  He’s only getting older, wealthier and more responsibilities outside the ring.  The split decision was a gift. If Oscar couldn’t beat him on Cinco De Mayo with 75% of the crowd rooting for him in Las Vegas, I don’t see how he ever will.  Unless of course they decide to chess-box in East L.A., then all bets are off.

In the days and weeks to come, Roger Clemens and his few remaining rumpswabs in the press are going to be spinning his return to the Yankees as being all about Roger's unlimited capacity for loyalty and friendship. You can already script Peter Gammons' next segment on "Mike & Mike":

"You know, ultimately for Roger, it came down to this: Roger feels that this may very well be the last contract he ever signs. And he feels a tremendous amount of respect for Joe Torre. And he has an incredible relationship toward Andy Pettite. And while the money is great, really what Roger's decision came down to was who did he want to spend the last few months of his career with?"

We heard the same steaming pile of fetid rubbish the last two years. Then Clemens' loyalty was how much he wanted to spend quality time watching Kobi and Kassidy and Koko play ball. By an amazing series of coincidences, each time the decision he made that had nothing to do with the money, and everything to do with quality of life, just happened to result in him signing with the highest bidder as well. Who woulda figured?

My question is for Yankee fans: What would you rather, Clemens say he's coming back to the Bronx for the money, or professing this bizarre, disturbing manlove for Pettite? I know I'd much rather root for a guy who admits he's a greedy, sticky-fingered, cash whore. At least I can relate to that. But who takes a job with a company just because you like one of the guys who works there? I like Manzo, but if next week he starts writing for the Improper, I'm not following him there. That's just ghey.

So in anticipation of the warm weather that we’re supposed to be getting this week the First Lady and I went out for a Dairy Queen last night.   Yes, DQ is one of the few good things about the South Shore.  I’m sure we have some DQ’s on the North Shore, but I never went to them until I moved to Abington.   Anyway, per usual the place was a mob scene.  If there is a bigger cross section of American Society than the Dairy Queen line I don’t know what it is.   I mean every time I go there, I see rednecks, thugs, pretty people, ugly people, skinny girls, fat girls, media moguls etc.  

But that’s not the point of this random thought.  Instead I have a question about tipping etiquette.    Every time I go to DQ I always tip the high school kid so he won’t spit in my ice cream.   But the problem is that he never sees me do it because once you pay he turns around and starts making your blizzard immediately.   So I sit there with my dollar and try to wait until he comes back before I put the dollar in his tip cup.  The First Lady always gets mad at me when I do this and says that I should just put the money in the tip cup and move on.   Essentially she doesn’t think it matters if the kid sees me give him the tip or not.   I’m not so sure I agree with her.   I feel like there is no point in tipping if the person being tipped doesn’t see it and doesn’t know who it is from.   It’s like saying thank you to somebody after they are out of earshot.  It doesn’t count.   My solution is that I think DQ needs to get little bells next to the tip cup so people can ring it when they leave a tip.  This way everybody knows exactly what is happening and the workers know exactly what ice creams they should be spitting in.

So what do people think?   Is there any point in tipping the DQ kid if he doesn’t know where it is from?    Or am I just crazy?

SportsCenter, which my cable box tells me is "hip," doesn't show UFC highlights because the Worldwide Leader considers UFC "entertainment" but its flagship show had no problem doing a feature on chess boxing. Yes, chess boxing.

A day after Roger Clemens returned to the Yankees (meaningless signing) and in the midst of the NBA and NHL playoffs, not to mention NFL minicamps, a Sunday full of baseball, NASCAR, Tiger winning another tournament, the Kentucky Derby and an actual boxing match not involving board games, SportsCenter devoted several minutes of airtime to hype f-cking chess boxing. If you don't know, chess boxing combines chess and boxing and, yes, it is as stupid as you think.

I would have rather watched a five minute feature on why someone thought it was a good idea to add that asinine border on the right side of the screen to let the viewer know what's coming up on SportsCenter than sit through a paean to chess boxing. Or maybe a special report on why ESPN Deportes does highlights in English on the English-language version of SportsCenter in order to attract Spanish-seeking viewers to ESPN Deportes.

And in their haste to break the chess boxing story before Fox Sports created chess boxing robots, ESPN missed what is the most obvious angle to this story- what role did the Wu-Tang Clan play in the creation of chess boxing? The dorky Dutch creator of chess boxing says he was inspired by some dorky French comic book but I'm calling bullshit. If I'm Method Man or RZA or any other member of the Clan, I'm on the phone with my lawyers, getting ready to sue chess boxing for all it's worth. Which probably works out to about 28 Dutch guilders but it's the principle of it all.

And Wu-Tang Clan is nothing if not principled.

How is Tony Parker the one that goes down like he got shot?

Parker and Steve Nash bang heads and Nash's nose is torn open in the process but it's Parker that's on the ground. Nash takes a forehead to the nose while Parker takes a nose to the forehead and yet Parker is the one that hits the floor, felled by Nash's honker.

New French President Nicolas Sarkozy really needs to lay down the law to his country's NBA exports. You get a nose to the forehead and you don't go down like someone sniped you from the rafters. If Sarkozy is serious about strengthening ties with America, reattaching Parker's testicles should be job #1.

Disted - The News of the World has caught Lindsay Lohan in a cocaine bidge last month. A friend of Blohan told the tabloid that she snorted 20 lines of coke that night. She also reportedly bragged"I'm going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law."The friend also said she's addicted to sex and bragged about effing James Blunt, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benecio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco. She admitted to messing around with Leonardo DiCaprio but didn't fuck him. "Last November she slept with Calum Best.  She didn’t tell me if he was any good but she is usually too wasted to know what is going on anyway."

Before I die I just want one chick to brag that she gets to fuck me tomorrow.  I don’t care if they’re drunk, high, ugly or whatever.   Is that too much to ask?As a side note, if I bumped into Lindsey Lohan at a bar I think I’d have a 35% chance of getting laid.  I’m serious.  I mean if you’re banging Benecio Del Toro that pretty much means you’ll bang anything that moves.

Cincinnati.com - Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson has been added to a lawsuit for allegedly not giving away a Lexus that was supposed to be raffled off. Last month, a Cincinnati man sued the Funny Bone Comedy Club for allegedly reneging on a promise to give away Chad Johnson's Lexus.

On Thursday, the Bengals wide receiver was added as a defendant to the suit, with five more plaintiffs.

At least two of the additional plaintiffs made an additional claim that they won trips from Johnson they never received. One was for a single person to go to Europe while the second was for the Pro Bowl in Hawaii.

The amended suit claims the club was selling out every Tuesday during football season as word spread last year about Johnson's giveaways as host of a comedy showcase. In the past, Johnson had given away trips to Atlanta for the Falcons-Bengals game, according to the suit.

At the center of the suit, however, is a claim that Johnson offered to raffle a Lexus he got as a gift from a Florida dealership. Monahan claims Johnson changed his mind and gave the car to a female friend.

Tickets for the show were $17 each, according to the suit, and Monahan purchased $340 worth of tickets hoping to increase his odds on winning. A message left Thursday evening with Johnson's agent was not returned.

Well I can scratch “running fake raffles” off my list of promotional ideas for our upcoming Barstool Office Party.   Because before reading this article I was planning on raffling off a night of free sex with the 2 Barstool Girls of the winner’s choice.  And the beauty of this idea is that the raffle tickets were going to be free with admission.    The only catch is that I had no intention of paying off the winner.  That and I think raffling off sex is illegal.

And the answer is...

(Heidi From the Hills)

Not bad, but I'd much prefer an ass shot of Audrina who is still the #1 hottest chick on reality TV in my mind.