Random Thoughts

An incredible finish here in the 2005 Derby. I remember being at Suffolk Downs that day when a buddy of mine, who didn't have enough money to even get in the door, borrowed $20, threw it on Giacomo "because he liked the #10", and cashed a $1,000 ticket. So much for handicapping.

This race was crazy -- they were flying for the first mile and change, then all the closers came from out of nowhere for the final 1/8th of a mile. Also, it was bombs away at the window. Giacomo went off at 50-1, Closing Argument ran 2nd at 72-1, Afleet Alex was 3rd at 9-2. Exacta paid $9,812, Tri paid $133,134, and the Superfecta paid a cool, $864,253.

Tom Durkin, my 2nd favorite announcer next to Gus Johnson, with the call for NBC...

At the risk of sounding like an old bastard, maybe a history lesson is in order here.

When guys like Shank and John Dennis are quaking in their boots over the incalculable evil that Randy Moss is about to bring to the Patriots, and the Old Testament evils that are surely to follow, maybe we ought to look at what exactly he's been accused of.

• He was in a fight in high school. It cost him a scholarship to Notre Dame.
• He smoked pot as an 18 year old. He did 30 days in jail and it cost him a full ride to Florida State.
• He pushed a "traffic control officer." I'm all about respecting the law, but in Massachusetts, we call that "flipping out at a meter maid." Not only should that not be a punishable offense, it should warrant a plaque from the Chamber of Commerce.
• He told Bryant Gumbel he smoked pot every day he's been in the NFL. But no one has confirmed he's ever tested positive.
• He's endzone danced, fake-mooned the crowd at Lambeau and gotten mad on the sidelines.

Gott in Himmel! How will we withstand this onslaught? Will we survive? Whatever will be done to protect the children?!!!

I'm not trying to be a Moss apologist; I'd always prefer to root for a solid citizen like Troy Brown, but isn't the angst over Moss' track record a little over the top? Consider that taken all of the things Moss has done in the worst light possible, he probably doesn't even make the Top 20 all time dysfunctional Patriots.

Compare if you will Moss' curriculum vitae with 1960's Patriot bad ass Larry Eisenhauer, known as "The Wildman:"

• Eisenhauer used to routinely fire himself up by bashing his head against metal lockers and putting his fists through walls, Andy Bernard-style.
• He once ran across the snow-covered field at Kansas City's Municipal Stadium wearing only a helmet and a jock.
• Once at hotel bar, Eisenhauer was drinking with his teammates at the Stardust Inn. Behind the bar was a giant pool featuring chicks doing underwater ballet. Eisenhauer put down his drink and left the bar. A few minutes later, the guys at the bar looked up to see him and his father swimming with the ballet chicks, buck ass naked.
• Once the old Rex Trailer Show thought it would be a good idea to send Pablo, the offensive Mexican stereotype sidekick, down to Pats training camp. They were filming a segment where Pablo was supposed to run through all the Pats defenders, shedding tackles, and zigzagging his way into the end zone. It looked good, until he had one man to beat...Larry. Who promptly drilled him into the ground with a "No one scores on US!!!" decleater.

But see, that was a generation ago, so it's funny. When a modern ballplayer steps out of line, it's a sign of the complete and utter Decline of Civilization. The caterwauling over Moss is just another example of sportswriters getting their knickers all in a twist over things that current athletes do that wouldn't even rate a mention on the Patriots of the '60's, the Bruins of the '70's or the Celtics of the '80's.

So bring it on, Randy. And drop trou for real if you want; somehow I think we'll survive.

"I've been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter. But I think its about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if, even if, you don't love me anymore".

Forgiveness was the permeating theme throughout the prime time soap opera that masqueraded as last nights "24". Between theMorris/Chloe, Jack/Audrey, Doyle/Nadia and Jack/Secretary Heller scenarios, there was so much interpersonal drama and mea culping ( I think that's a word) going on, they should have ditched the Sean Callery soundtrack in favor of a little Don Henley (I'm still waiting for Fox executives to call and ask my forgiveness for making me sit through this crap while I could be watching Heroes.)

Look, forgiveness, as people who know me can attest, has never been my strong point. I'm as petty as they come. The list of people I no longer associate with due to some small slight or wrong doing is long and continues to grow on an regular basis. Some of the infractions are real , some are perceived, but I'm not willing to differentiate between the two, so as many times as I'm told to " get over it", it's never going to happen. As an example, I haven't spoken to one of my old roomates in nearly 15 years because he took the comforter off my bed and brought it to the beach to use as a blanket. Irregardless of the fact I probably hadn't stayed in the apartment in nearly two years because I slept at my girlfriend's every night, he is now pretty much dead to me.

Can you imagine how I would have reacted had he mocked me for helping a terrorist enable a suitcase nuke? ( I'd like to clarify in case my in-laws are reading this. When I say slept at my girlfriends, I really mean actual sleep. Seriously. Nothing ever happened when I stayed over. Honestly. The truth is we tended to do it mostly during the day because we drank too much at night!)

Random thoughts on "As CTU Turns":

• Now that Tad has taken Chloes's virginity, he is now setting his sights on Marian Colby.
• Nadia rigs the Miss Junior Pine Valley Pageant so Greg will fall in love with her instead of Jenny. Morris runs away to New York to escape charges he raped Liza and stops Jenny from appearing in a porn movie. Greg, no longer paralyzed , goes to New York and breaks up Jenny's engagement to Tony. Tony tries to kill Greg but instead blows up Jenny, who, despite fatal injuries goes back to New York, becomes a homicide detective and sleeps with Mike Doyle ( If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it means you probably never missed three weeks of 8th grade with Mono.)
• Memo to VP Daniels: When telling someone like Tom Lennox about an affair with your assistant, never end the story with "you know how these things happen Tom" when we both know there is no possible way Tom knows how these things happen. Did you see his face? He looked like a ten year old kid who just walked in on Wendy Hood while she was using the bathroom. I was waiting for him to say "Did she let you touch her boobies"?
• I was trying to figure out which ride took the least amount of time, Audrey's helicopter to CTU General, or the one Lisa Miller took on Daniel Jackson. "36 Hour Cialus: When your quicker than CTU transport".
• Even though she is pretty much catatonic and her arms look like she spent the weekend at Coachella with Pete and Kate Doherty, Jack is obviously still in love with Audrey. I'm thinking he should take advantage of her current state and maybe convince Audrey to have a little elective surgery on her nose. He got her to hold his hand and say "beetlejuice" after just two or three tries, so getting her to sign the consent form will be cake. After all Jack has done to protect her, I'm sure she'll forgive him.

Certainly the most inspirational story of the month so far comes from Philadelphia.  Apparently Philly TV “news bunny” Alycia Lane (obviously hot) has been caught e-stalking the NFL Network’s Rich Eisen in the form of private emails… including several bikini-clad photos.  

The story gets better…

The emails, however, were intercepted like an Aaron Brooks’ pass by Eisen’s wife, Suzy Shuster, a sideline reporter for ABC's college football broadcasts.  Why?  Because Lane (above) sent them to an account SHARED by both Eisen and Shuster!  (Aww, the joint email account.)  That’s like the #1 rule of e-stalking: Don’t send bikini shots to the guy’s wife.

Unless Lane did that intentionally which is tremendous and adds a whole other level to the story…

Shuster, after seeing the emails, replied to Lane with the following, “Boy, do you look amazing in a bikini . . . congrats! Whatever you're doing, (Pilates? yoga?) keep doing it - it's working for you. Anyway, sorry but those seven e-mails you sent to my husband, Rich, well, oops, they came to the e-mail address we both use from time to time, but no worries, I'll forward the beach shots as well as the ones of you dancing with your friends on to his main address. Do you have it?"

Obviously you’re loving this if you’re Rich Eisen, although publically I’m sure he’ll pretend otherwise.  Who knew chicks were into guys who read highlights off teleprompters?  Not me. This gives a whole other incentive to watching sports 25 hours a day. And Ms. Lane, if you’re reading this - please forward the rest of your photo album to feedback@barstoolsports.com.

Thanks.

1. Lamenting
2. Scrambling
3. Test-driving some new hair gel
4. Laughing at the subtle irony that he owns "Champion Training Academy"
5. Laughing a little harder that Champion Training Academy's motto is "Aim for Greatness"
6. Answering hate mail from Florida State fans
7. Polishing his 2003 Hinesman Award, given to the Most Dominant Player at FSU's spring practice
8. Drinking copious amounts of ViaViente
9. Commenting on his two YouTube videos
10. Waiting by the phone
11. Ignoring his father's phone calls
12. Yoga
13. Thinking about how his FSU career would have been different if he hadn't been forced to throw to no-talent stiffs like Anquan Boldin and Javon Walker
14. Updating chrisrix.com
15. Tomahawk chopping
16. Napping
17. Finding strength through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ
18. Sending monthly payment to Bobby Bowden
19. Laminating new handicap parking placard
20. Flexing

If you're a communist, today's your day. It's May 1st- May Day- and it's time to celebrate all the cool things about being a communist or a socialist. Unemployment! Food shortages! Walls! Give me a G! Give me a U! Give me a L! Give me a A! Give me a G! What do you have! Gulag! Gulag! GULAG!

But despite communism's shortcomings, we have been blessed with some outstanding commies. Let's count down the Top 10 Commie Bastards.

10. Ivan Danko

9. Gorky Park

8. Yakov Smirnoff

7. Captain Marko Ramius

6. Anna & Maria

Continue with the Commie Bastard countdown...

There isn't any reason to waste syllables over Dan Shaughnessy's all too predictable f-ck you to the New England sports fans that had the audacity to get excited about the Randy Moss trade. We all knew it was coming. It's textbook Shank.

But what struck me the most about Shaughnessy's piece in today's Globe (and really, at what point does the Globe sports page become completely and utterly unreadable; every week, it's another middle aged sportswriter telling us how stupid we are.) was his complete and total hypocrisy.

Shaughnessy expects the fans to view the Randy Moss trade subjectively, based entirely on Moss' sometimes questionable decision-making. You are expected to keep in mind all of Moss' unspeakable crimes against humanity. You are expected to remember Moss' "character" when viewing him as an athlete. You are expected to remain stoic; agreeing with the trade will be acceptable in perhaps a decade when all the evidence is collected but for now, it is far, far too early. A Hall of Fame-caliber receiver joining a Patriots team already loaded with talent- settle down, yahoos.

To illustrate his point, Shaughnessy provides a laundry list of character-challenged Boston athletes that the fans were dumb enough to view as simply "jerseys" and not potential baby-sitters for their toddlers. The New England fan base has apparently been driving Shaughnessy bonkers for decades and by including players like Alex Rodriguez and Ron Artest, Shank has no doubt that you're all dumb enough to keep on rooting for people he deems unworthy of his prose.

But here's the thing- Shaughnessy, in a profession where objectivity is sort of a big deal, has merrily engaged in blood feuds with three prominent Boston sports figures. And all of them were about as stand up as stand up can get but Shaughnessy had no scruples about mocking their personal lives, beliefs or causes.

Shaughnessy has gone after Nomar Garciaparra, Theo Epstein and Curt Schilling with impressive ferocity over the past few years. And yet, for someone as concerned with character when evaluating sports figures as Saint Dan is, attacking people like Garciaparra, Epstein and Schilling would seem a stark departure from his job as the Globe's sportswriter/Grand Inquisitor. These are quality people without a hint of scandal all succeeding at the very highest level of their chosen profession. If Moss isn't worthy of fan support and Garciaparra, Epstein and Schilling aren't worthy of fan support, how rigid is Dan's criteria? Would Martin Luther King pass Dan's muster? Gandhi? The Easter Bunny?

Garciaparra raised millions of dollars for charities in New England, played "the right way" and literally jumped into Boston Harbor to save two women. Epstein built a World Championship team, conducts himself with class and raises millions of dollars for charities in New England. Curt Schilling is a model citizen, the public face in the fight to find a cure for Lou Gehrig's disease and raises millions of dollars for charities in New England.

Shaughnessy ripped them all. Garciaparra was moody and defensive. Epstein was overrated and overindulged. Schilling was buffoonish and his impressive history of charity work was derided as self-serving and a cheap marketing ploy. Character guys all ripped by the character obsessed Shaughnessy for the one sin that Shanks does not forgive, the one act that no amount of charity work can ever erase- all three refused to bow down to him.

Character matters to Dan Shaughnessy except when the person won't give him good quotes. Then you can do all the charity work in the world, save puppies from burning buildings, compete with class and courage- none of it matters. In Dan's world, character is what you do when Dan is standing in front of you with a notepad. Nothing else matters.

Hmm, this is a tough one. My original instinct is to say that this is NSFW. BUT, it is on youtube and the Barstool Sports Imaginary Internet Rulebook clearly states that ALL youtube videos are safe for work. So I guess the answer is yes on this one at least until the Youtube gestapo finds out about it and pulls the plug. In fact, I'm kind of shocked they haven't raided this video yet. I mean the Youtube gestapo deleted my account when I was in St. Martin for some garbage about copyright infringement. Who knew videotaping shit off my TV with my camera and making youtubes of it was illegal?

What the hell is Britney wearing here?   I mean did she buy this stuff herself or did she just find it somewhere?   Also, she better drop like 10 pds to pull off that spandex shirt.  Listen honey, nobody wants to see your gut hanging out all over the place.  And what’s up with all the rips in her fishnets?   I don’t care who you are, that’s just totally unacceptable.   Having said all that, I’m kind of sneaky turned on by this outfit. Now if they could just get all the babies and cribs out of the picture.

Last night featured possibly the best episode of "Heroes" to date. It had everything you could ask for in an hour of TV: time travel, alternate futures, violence, Hayden Panetierre past the age of consent, and that time-honored TV staple, a cop conducting an investigation by walking into a Vegas strip joint.

The good news? Ali Larter was one of the strippers. The bad news? She was wearing more clothes than she would if she were living under the Taliban. Strippers don't wear that much in Point Barrows. So I thought it might be a good idea to start the day by correcting this injustice.

(Ed. note: UB is still off. In his absence, handling his "Wake Up..." feature is an awesome, frightening responsibility. It's like Sam carrying the One Ring when Frodo was taken by the orcs. The rest of us will do the best we can, but this thing is rightfully his burden to carry.)