Random Thoughts

There's no way the truck could have made it there that fast...Maybe they borrowed the balls from Anna (below)...Anyway the Globe has a few shots of Beckett, Lester and Paps already getting lose in FLA...Meanwhile, ESPN's Tim Kurkjian thinks the Sox may have the best staff in baseball:

ESPN.com: The team we've chosen has as many questions -- six -- as it has starting pitchers: a rookie from Japan, a guy with a 5.01 ERA last year, a 40-year-old who only recently decided that 2007 won't be his last season, a closer turned starter, a lefty with cancer in remission and a 40-year-old knuckleballer. But, if everything falls right, the Red Sox could have the best rotation in baseball with Daisuke Matsuzaka, Josh Beckett, Curt Schilling, Jonathan Papelbon, Jon Lester and Tim Wakefield. And there's a chance that Roger Clemens could pitch for the Red Sox this summer.

If absolutely everything fell into place (Dice K is as good as advertised, Beckett rebounds, Schilling gives us as good as last year, Paps makes the transition, Lester returns to form and steps up after beating cancer, and Wake stays consistent) then yeah they would have a great rotation. But Kurkjian's article is really more of a BS-get Sox-Yankoff fans to click on my column article. It is great to get excited about something other than Greg Oden though...

SAN DIEGO (AP)  Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer was fired Monday night in a shocking move by team president Dean Spanos, who cited a ``dysfunctional situation'' between the coach and general manager A.J. Smith. Less than a month after San Diego's NFL-best 14-2 season was wrecked in a playoff loss to New England, Spanos cited the exodus of both coordinators and other assistants in firing Schottenheimer, who had a year left on his contact. ``The process of dealing with these coaching changes convinced me that we simply could not move forward with such dysfunction between our head coach and general manager,'' Spanos said in a statement. ``In short, this entire process over the last month convinced me beyond any doubt that I had to act to change this untenable situation.''

Too bad...and to think, they were this close:

"What? I'm shocked...Woop, poor choice of words there, sorry..."

"No I didn't step on your foot...and I was not disrespecting you..."

The wheels have fallen off.

In a must-win game tonight against Boston Magazine, Team Barstool simply couldn't get it done. A terrible first game left us 67 pins behind Boston Magazine and despite a strong second game, we still lost by 23 pins. Our playoff hopes are on life support.

Our first game was a microcosm of our entire Boston Media League season. Erratic play, inability to pick up spares, uncanny ability to follow up a spare or strike with a gutter ball, too many Indians, not enough chiefs. Unlike most of the other teams in the league, we have no certified go-to guy, nobody that's an automatic 150. In our first game, everyone topped 100 but no one topped 130. And in the Boston Media League, a six team game of 700 just isn't good enough.

No one did well in the first game. We were all probably 15-30 pins from where we should be. And to Boston Magazine's credit, when they smelled blood, they pounced. Their final game one frame was full of strikes and spares. We went from laughing and talking about the Cover Model Party and Dave's enemies list to staring at a 70+ pin deficit.

So we responded. Opened the second game with four strikes in a row. Big momentum shift. The top of the order, me and Eric Levin, regularly Barstool's weakest bowlers, came out strong, strikes and spares across the board. We had Boston Magazine on the ropes; they were rattled. So they did something I thought I would never see in a Boston Media League game- they called a f-cking timeout. Huddled up and everything.

And I swear to God, it worked. All of a sudden, Boston Magazine was back in it. They were back on their game. But we weren't going down so easy. Eric and I continued to light it up at the top of the order but the meat of our order- Dave, Bon, Jerry and Manzo- struggled to get on track.

And so it went. Eric and I turned in career games, each topping 140. But our big hitters went sorta quietly and Boston Magazine finished up loudly and we couldn't make up the first game deficit and we were 1-3. I was surprised Boston Magazine's players didn't all pull out white gloves and slap us around a little after Dave's trashtalking from earlier in the season.

Two games left. The Globe and The Metro. Our season on the line.

BALTIMORE (AP)  Baltimore Orioles pitcher Kris Benson has a torn rotator cuff in his right shoulder and will almost certainly miss the 2007 season. Benson's agent says a recent M-R-I revealed a partial tear. The injury will require surgery, but the procedure has not yet been scheduled. Rotator cuff tears usually require between eight to 12 months of rehabilitation before a pitcher can expect to return.

First off who gives a shit about Kris Benson? He sucks and even though he's on the O's and the Sox would have to face him this season, why bother have his troubles posted here? His wife Anna Benson, that's why.

Anna was a regular on Barstool in the past, but not much has been heard from her in a while. The Sporting News cover (above) came out last season, but she's been pretty quiet since her announcement to divorce Kris Benson was quickly reversed in April (he reportedly cheated, even though she once said she would sleep with his entire team if that happened.)

Anna photographs hot and acts the crazy-sexy role pretty well, but once she begins to talk...ugh...But maybe this was her revenge for Kris fooling around...Maybe she cut out the sex, forcing him to blow the arm, rather than rest it in the off-season...

Apparently he was not Master of his Domain...

Uncle Buck was in NYC this weekend and of course made a late night stop at his favorite watering hole, Red Rock West.

The biker-style bar, with hot ass dancing bartenders, is a little hole in the wall on West 17th in Manhattan. It's best visited towards the end of the night (remember most bar-goers in New York don't go out until 11 or later), and while it has a pool table and a couple of TV's at the end of the bar, you'll never even notice them. Make sure you get belly up to the bar to check out the shows...

Erin (above and right), Boston's own Mel (left), and the rest of the girls put on little shows in between serving the drinks. The classics are of course blowing fire (below), Welcome to the Jungle, The Car Wash (spraying down the girls and the patron's bald heads), and while the girls are serving drinks, hotties in the crowd are encouraged to take over the show on the bar...Anyway, check it out if you're in town:

UB's buddy Tiny orders a shot...

To be continued...

I got this video from our good friends at Boston Magazine. The Celtics dancers are easily the best thing to happen to the C's this year.

Tonight Team Barstool goes to battle against Boston Magazine. We haven't met these people yet, so I'm taking nothing away from them. But based on what I know about the content of their publication, I can't imagine any two teams in the Kings Media league could be more different.

• Here's the result of Boston's latest online poll: Not surprisingly, 78 percent of you thought the Mooninite nonsense was the biggest story of the week. The Patriots losing to the Colts pulled in 20 percent of the vote, while Theo's wedding, wherever it was, barely registered. There's not a reader or writer in the Barstool universe who has any idea what the hell the "Mooninite nonsense" is, but the Pats-Colts and Theo...yeah that registered with us. And our last poll asked you to rate who's hotter, Mena Suvari, Zyi Zhang or Amber Valletta.
• Currently they feature a restaurant review of Mela, a South End Indian bistro. Our current issue has a "From Her Perspective" column about vibrators.
• They have a home design piece about creative use of space. We have a blog piece about Erin Andrews' ass.

I think you get the picture. Not to stereotype, but I'm guessing these are people who buy stuff for their house at stores that have the word "Gallery" in the title and we get stuff at places that have the word "Mart."

If movies have taught me anything, it's that the common slob-guys always win in a fight like this. That early on they'll undoubtedly kick our asses. Then they'll rag on us in front of everyone, humiliating us while the debutantes and school faculty cheer them on. Then we'll get really pissed and find some wacky way to get our revenge. Maybe drive a car into a crowd of them or form a techno-punk band, and ultimately triumph just before the credits roll.

Now if this ends up as bulletin board material and we get beat, I'll be totally responsible.

From today's Herald:

Boston police arrested a 10-year-old girl yesterday and charged her with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon - her shod foot - after she and friends were accused of brutally attacking a customer at the South Bay Target department store in Dorchester after the victim bumped her.

Witnesses told police the gang of girls knocked the 22-year-old victim to the floor “where she was being hit, her hair was being ripped out, and her pants were taken off,” by her attackers, said BPD spokesman Officer Eddy Chrispin.

  But witnesses told police the 10-year-old was allegedly particularly brutal. They told police the child kicked the woman repeatedly in the head and stomach as the victim’s clothes were being ripped off and she was punched in the face by the other girls, police said.

Now comes the part where I rail indignantly about our crumbling society, our culture of violence or the horror of children raised without morals.

No, wait. Instead I have a question for the "victim" here. What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously, how in the name of Dakota Fanning did you allow yourself to get beat up by a little girl? Even a gang of girls? I don't care if you're an anorexic, half blind midget with flippers instead of arms, you don't let a 10 year old girl get the better of you. How do you recover from a humilitation this severe? All you can do is change your name and leave Boston forever, running away from your shame, living the life of a drifter and hoping no one ever learns your awful truth.

I've got a son who just turned 11. While he's not a fighter, I've coached him enough to know that for my money he's as physically tough as any kid his age. And yet I can reduce this kid to a pile of Jell-O with nothing more than my Angry Dad Eyes. Seriously, it's my "Heroes"-like superpower.

I don't care how many there are or what age they are, there's no gang of girls on Earth that would ever make a monkey out of me. I'll use The Stare to defend myself if necessary, but I will not lose that fight. I'll die first.

The best part of this was clearly listening to the Japanese broadcast of the hit. My question is how do you think Brian Moorman handled the aftermath of this hit? I'd give him a B-. I mean he gets major props for the fact that he popped right up and didn't die. But I'm not a big fan of him walking onto the field to congratulate Sean Taylor. You don't go congratulate somebody who just punched you in the face so why go congratulate somebody who just demolished you? He should have just sat down and regained his senses. I feel like by going out on the field he's trying to send the message that he's tough when in reality he probably is out on his feet.

Everybody knows how much I hate to give away free Barstool Hats. Therefore, you know it's a big deal when I make the following offer. I will give a free Barstool Hat to the first Stoolie who can produce a picture of themselves with Erin Andrews.

There's dumb and then there's getting arrested because you won't just put down your cell phone and let your flight take off. What a moron. First video is a little rough but the second and third are better.

Can you imagine being stuck on a plane with this guy? He won't put away his cell phone so you're stuck sitting on the tarmac. He's lucky the police came when they did. The other passengers would have killed him eventually.

Apparently, the Grammys were on last night. I was too busy watching Rome and a trio of National Geographic shows about prison to care. I highly recommend the National Geographic prison shows. I watched one about a war between South Mexicans and white guys, one about women in prison and one about a maximum security prison in North Carolina. Absolutely terrifying. Nothing like the light comedy of MTV's Juvies. I'm scared to jaywalk. I don't want to end up fighting in a prison race war. I bruise too easily.

But since the prison ladies weren't all that attractive in the traditional, Hollywood no neck tattoos sort of way, I'm turning my attention to the ladies of the Grammys.

Vanessa Minnillo- Nick Lachey is a lucky man.

Nelly Furtado couldn't look worse. She's still hot but I like her better sweaty and in half shirts.

Nice job, Zito. You've killed Duff.

Looking at Fergie feels like getting kicked in the balls. Grotesque.

I love Christina Ricci but she has to be about 3 feet tall.

What's Scarlett Johanson doing at the Grammys? Who gives a flying f-ck.

SYDNEY, Australia - Russell Crowe says his rugby league club’s cheerleading squad is being cut because skimpily clad cheerleaders detract from the game and make spectators uncomfortable. A team of percussionists will replace the cheerleaders, the club announced this week. The club’s Web site invited drummers to audition.

Percussionists?  Is this a joke article?  Did I just get punked?  Listen, I’ve always known that Russell Crowe was a little crazy.   I mean you got to be a little bit off to throw a telephone at a hotel employee because you don’t like the way your pillow is fluffed.   But that was child’s play compared to this.  I honestly had no idea just how insane he is.   Who replaces Cheerleaders with percussionists?  Only a mad man could hatch a scheme like this.    And what is he talking about with cheerleaders being distracting?  Of course they’re distracting!  That’s the whole freaking point.  And yes they do make some fans uncomfortable, but it’s uncomfortable in a good way.   Like in an I want to stalk her kind of way.

Thanks to GRoy for sending this along...

Here's some hockey fight (courtesy of Bon). I guess the guys' names are Petrovicky and Newbury but that's pretty much the extent of my research. Petrovicky is the guy on his feet. Newbury is the guy on the stretcher.

Here's my question- why the stretcher? I'm no doctor but I can think I can diagnose what happened to Newbury- he got knocked out. By getting hit in the face repeatedly by another guy. You don't have to be Dr. House to figure this one out.

But judging from the reaction of the ref and the Toronto medical staff, they have no idea what's going on. It's like they've never seen a hockey fight before.

"Oh, Jeez, I think he got shot."

"Naw, it's a heart attack, eh."

"You're both wrong. He has the bird flu. Get a stretcher."

The guy was in a fight and he lost. He's knocked out. Get two big guys, pick his ass up and drag him back to the locker room. Don't waste a stretcher on him.

I saw this picture on Dlisted.com.   I don’t know why, but I feel like this “80's Baby" brass knuckles complete me.   Note to the First Lady:  My 30th birthday is just about a month away.   Hint, hint, hint…

Forget for a moment that the Celtics have lost 18 straight games and have the worst record in the NBA at 12-38.

Instead, lets focus on the collection of sorta talent clogging the Boston roster courtesy of Danny Ainge. I'm not going to rehash all the problems with the Celtics' hodgepodge of young sorta talent but rest assured Tony Allen, Ryan Gomes, Gerald Green, Al Jefferson, Kendrick Perkins, Rajon Rondo, Sebastian Telfair and Delonte West just aren't good enough to win in the NBA, not now or two years from now.

Ainge appears to have built the Celtics backwards. Most successful NBA teams acquire two or three All Star quality talents and then surround them with role players. It's a pretty straightforward idea and one that has proven to work time after time after time in large part because finding role players is easy. It's finding the superstars that's the challenge which is why most other GM's focus so much energy on acquiring the superstars or stockpiling the ammunition necessary to land them. But Ainge did exactly the opposite.

He got the role players first. Just look at his 2004 Draft. It's not a bad draft as drafts go. The Celtics picked up Jefferson, Allen and West, three serviceable, solid NBA players. All three will be in the league for a long time. But not one of the three is an All Star (as in perceived as one by most basketball "people" and not necessarily appearing in the All Star Game) and only Jefferson seems to even have a shot at reaching that level. But did the Celtics really need to use all three first round picks? Did it really make sense for Ainge to hand out three guaranteed contracts? You're telling me that there was no chance for Ainge to spin one or two of those picks into something better? To stockpile draft picks so that when a "superstar" hit the market, the Celtics were ready and waiting?

I think the general perception is that Paul Pierce and Greg Oden/Kevin Durant plus all of Ainge's spare parts will make the Celtics into championship contenders. I just don't see it. Pierce, Oden/Durant and spare parts may equal the playoffs but they're not banner-worthy. And that's assuming that the Celtics end up with Oden/Durant. If they don't, well, get ready for the 2008 O.J. Mayo watch.

Ainge has had four years and plenty of draft picks to turn the Celtics into a contender. He's failed and if some ping pong balls don't fall his way, he seemingly has no way to reverse course.

I have two questions.   First, did the Celtics almost win last night?   And second is Paul Pierce really playing again?   How is this possible?   There is nobody on the god’s green earth that can give me one logical reason why Paul Pierce is back in action.    He needs to skip the rest of this year.  It’s a 100% no brainer.   There is no doubt that with him back in the lineup the Celts are going to start winning a few games here and there and climb there was out of the basement.   This is ludicrous!   The only way the Celtics have any chance of getting back to the top is if they end up with the #1 or #2 pick in this years draft.  Now I know that there is no guarantee which way the ping pong ball is going to bounce, but you got to give it the old college effort.    Paul Pierce coming back is going to set this franchise back light years.   Now I’m sure he’s a competitor and wants to play, blah, blah, blah, but the bottom-line is that he is an employee of the Boston Celtics.  His job is to do whatever is in the best interest of the team.   Right now that means he needs to ride the pine or fake another injury.    I honestly don’t understand how the Celts organization can be stupid enough to let him take the court.  You know if Red were alive he would have already hired Jeff Jeff Gillooly by now.

As a side note, did anybody see Ricky Davis’s reaction after he nailed the game winning shot against the C’s last night?   He acted like the TWolves just won game 7 of the NBA Finals.  And Tony Blount seemed to buy into that theory as well.  Memo to Ricky Davis and Tony Blount; The Celts have lost 393 straight games.    Beating them on a last second buzzer beater isn’t exactly something to be bragging about.  

Today is Truck Day, the magical moment when a bunch of big trucks laden with 1000 protective cups and three tons of top notch rice for Daisuke Matsuzaka, leave Fenway Park and head down to spring training. It's sure to be the lead story on every newscast and tomorrow both dailies will have the ubiquitous "despite the forecast for snow, spring is in the air because a bunch of trucks are rolling down 95" columns. The Red Sox are back and it's time to start paying attention to every single, pointless piece of Red Sox minutiae again.

But to be perfectly honest- I don't give a shit.

I understand that being a 21st century Red Sox fan requires me to remain in a state of perpetual alertness just in case Theo swings a deal for some AAAA long reliever over the winter and I need to make intelligent conversation around the barbecue pit at Barstool Sports' Spring Training Headquarters at the Sanibel Harbour Hotel. But I just can't get excited because a bunch of equipment guys load some sunflower seeds and socks onto a UHaul.

Minus a serious injury or a big-time trade, I'm not paying attention to the Red Sox until Opening Day. I'll check in from time to time to see how Papelbon is adjusting to the starting rotation or how Matsuzaka is dealing with the impending horror of trying to eat in a city with too many pan-Asian restaurants and not enough strictly Japanese ones but I just refuse to get wrapped up in the Boston media's inevitable hysteria over Manny Ramirez's hairstyle or Julian Tavarez's 5.50 spring training ERA.

For the next month and a half, I'm focusing on college basketball and choreographing a kickass Barstool Sports Cover Model Lingerie Show. Spring training can wait.