Barstool Sports

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty fucking excited about today. There’s football, and gambling, and food, and gambling. But I’m also excited to listen as Dick Stockton completely butchers the name of all 106 active players on the field. DeSean McCoy, Brett Celek, Brandon Weeten, Clay Matthews–it’s gonna be the tits. You’re all like, “Holy shit, it’s third and one, we gotta get this.” Meanwhile, Stockton is talking about how Jerome Maclin is coming off the field for the Jets. You’re simultaneously captivated by the game while also wondering if the guy is having a stroke.

But let’s get back to football. The Eagles open their season today in Cleveland against a Browns team that is expected to be one of the league’s worst teams. An explosive offense against a horrible defense. A potent pass rush against a rookie quarterback. A rookie quarterback born in 1983. A team with sky-high expectations to win (and win now) against a team that will he happy if they can put their fucking pads on and find the field. I’m usually a pretty pessimistic guy. Like all, “You know, it’s the NFL and any given Sunday, etc.” But not today. This is a Cleveland Steamer kinda game. Cute right? But they’re actually going to shit on the Browns’ chests. And smear it in good. Let’s find out why.

The Eagles offense: Michael Vick took 12 snaps this preseason. Oh my god, that means he’s going to be terrible today. Fuck you. The Browns are the perfect Week 1 opponent for Vick and the rest of the offense to get themselves on track. The Eagles have a wide array of weapons and figure to lineup well against a defense that was the second worst in the league against the pass a year ago. Speaking of distractions, talented corner Joe Haden will play Sunday, but does so with a likely four-game suspension looming. Don’t think that it won’t be on his mind.
Meanwhile, LeSean McCoy is an All-Pro running back who will be facing a defense without defensive tackle Phil Taylor and linebacker Chris Gocong. The Browns gave up 150 yards per game a year ago. That’s a decided advantage for the Eagles.

The Eagles Defense: When Brandon Weeden takes the first snap under center Sunday afternoon he will become the Browns’ fifth different starter at quarterback in the last five years. Obviously, the 28-year-old isn’t your average rookie quarterback, but come Sunday afternoon it should become apparently pretty early on that he’s not quite ready for what he sees on the other side of the line of scrimmage. Guy isn’t worth a first round pick. He’s old as fuck, played in a video game offense at Oklahoma State with one of the country’s best receivers, and he’s already failed as a pro athlete in baseball. What the fuck else do you wanna know?

The Eagles defensive front recorded 46 sacks a year ago and will have an opportunity to get a fast start against an average Cleveland offensive line. Trent Cole will have his work cut out for him against Pro Bowler Joe Thomas, but there will be plenty of opportunities for the Eagles to get to the quarterback. Expect first-round pick Trent Richardson to debut on Sunday, but the rookie is a bit banged up, so Cleveland will likely limit his workload.

Prediction: Pressure. Pressure can cause mental mistakes. It can cause a lapse in physical execution. It can crumble a team. And the pressure will be great for the Eagles today against the Browns. But this is a team rooted in stability with a group of talented players that have been around the block. It’s impossible to call a Week 1 game a must-win, but this is about as close as it gets for the Eagles. They need this game. And it’s almost impossible to imagine they won’t. Go with the Eagles, 34-16.