(Somebody call a plumber because this Easter Egg Hunting Champion 1989-1994 [HOF inducted 1999] combined with the Easter Sunday pimp suit and a mop top will make any lady leak like a faucet.)
There was no greater test for survival of the fittest from ages 3-11. Every year growing up during the Easter Egg hunt you had one job and one job only, to collect as many eggs as possible while leaving the fewest survivors. However, there is a certain honor among egg hunters who engage in this sort of warfare. Unwritten rules that one must respect in order to participate that somehow not all followed. There are also parents and other spectators at these events who you would like nothing better than to hold down and have the Cadbury Bunny chew their face off. These are their stories:
The Kid Who Flips Shit Because He/She Sucks At Finding Easter Eggs
Life was rough for some 8-year-olds. Constant stress about learning what an adverb is (still don’t really know), they’re only good enough to play 2B and not SS in little league, they see their crush go out of her way to give your best friend her Dunkaroo’s during lunch. Just a day late and a dollar short getting on everything, including the Easter Egg hunt. The spaz tries hard to be a good sport and tries even harder to get as many eggs as possible but for whatever reason just isn’t good at life. Unfortunately ends up at best in tears and at worse the pre-pubescent version of Michael Douglas from the movie Falling Down.
The Pedophile Dressed In The Creepy Bunny Outfit
Dad Who Hides The Eggs So Well Sherlock Holmes With A Map And An Erection Wouldn’t Come Close To Finding Them
Dude almost does a better job of covering up eggs than he does covering up his hatred for family life. The man takes his craft like an artform and you gotta respect it. Will spend literally hours the night before hiding the eggs and if he really has a hard-on will map out where they’re all hidden. There may not be a child over 5’0 participating in the hunt but you damn well know there’s going to be some eggs on top of the basketball backboard or on top of a 15ft tree in a birds nest.
Kid Who Steals Out Of Other Kid’s Baskets
Fucking scum of the Earth right here. They’re not good enough to find their own eggs so they attempt to capitalize off of someone’s hard work by stealing literally right out of another person’s basket right in front of them. Shouldn’t be able to do that till you’re old enough to vote Democrat.
Suburban Mom Neighborhood Organizer In Charge
Mid-40′s depressed housewife who LIVES for this because it’s the only thing she has to where she can dictate control because her kids and husband less than no respect for her. Will also usually try to impose an “maximum egg limit” on how many kids can take but is ignored by everyone just like her cooking blog and weekly editorials about Christianity to the local newspaper.
Older Kid Who Takes The Eggs In Plain View
If you’re over 5 and have all of your chromosomes, there’s no excuse for taking an egg that’s not hidden at all. None. Type of kid where you 100% blame the parents for giving them everything on a silver platter rather than teaching them about challenges and real life. Perfectly acceptable to Adam Vinitari soccer style his Easter basket into its resurrection.
The Overly Competitive Parents
The worst of the worst. Will knock another kid over to make sure their child gets the egg and then will brag to their son how well of a high school athlete he was. The type of parents who feel like their kid can’t do anything wrong and will do anything to make them succeed. Newsflash assholes: It’s a scientific FACT that your kid is going to grow up to be a failure if they are above the age of 5 and you help them in any way at an Easter egg hunt. GTFO of the way and let the children have the closest thing to the Hunger Games that their cushy middle class lives will ever get.