Been giving this a lot of thought lately. Technologically we are already
genetically modifying fruits and vegetables into more convenient sizes and shapes — animals can’t be that far behind. You remember
that commercial with the rich guy and his miniature giraffe. People love that crap. Hell, the buying power from the psychotic woman demographic would be enough for the producing company to crack the Fortune 500 alone. Girls think they want a mini dog now? Imagine what they’ll pay for a tiny elephant.
So here’s the list, Science. The top ten animals you need to miniaturize for public sale. Get on it.
10. Ostrich
Like having a little Chris Bosh running around your living room. A tiny Ostrich would look and act funny, but those things are assholes in real life and there’s no reason to believe the smaller version would act any different.
9. Horse
Bitches would eat this shit up. You could retire on your tiny horse production alone. Step dads all across the world buying their daughters tiny ponies for Christmas, only regretting it later when they accidentally kick the poor thing down the stairs and have to put its miniaturized ass down because it broke a leg. Have fun explaining that to little Samantha, deadbeat.
8. Gorilla
This one would get really weird since they are only a couple DNA jawns away from being human. Almost makes it like some weird
Indian In The Cupboard-type stuff to own a tiny gorilla. Probably couldn’t have any other pets around this guy or you’d come home to lil ‘Rilla knifing your kitten and eating its meat with his prehensile thumbs.
7. Alligator
Even a six-inch gator would be awesome if it never grew. Your weed stash has never been safer.
6. Cow
Would it make your house smell like absolute raw ass? Without a doubt. But what’s a little shit stench when you can have (and most importantly brag about) the freshest milk possible? Louis Pasteur was a pussy, anyway.
“The cream in my coffee just exited the tits 5 minutes ago, brah.”5. Giraffe
In the same vein has the horse. Women would be buying these things like hotcakes. Bragging to their girlfriends about the new sweater they just bought it or how cute his tiny doo doo looks. Mini giraffe would probably end up as the best seller.
4. Great White
Now we’re getting to the fun ones. Tiny great white is the best possible thing to have in any aquarium. Put little fake dudes in cages in there as a joke. Get drunk with your buddies and force one of em to hold a piece of meat above the water while your shark jumps out of the tank to grab it. Feeding time would be thrilling every single day.
3. Grizzly Bear
Battled back and fourth with myself about this one. On the one hand we all know grizzly bears are the spawn of Satan and were placed on this planet solely to wreck havoc on humans and thin the salmon population. These are facts straight from Science’s mouth. But owning a kitten-sized grizzly may just be barely safe enough to maintain. They’re fast as hell, eat meat, and can’t be trained…but fuck it. Tiny motherfuckin’ grizzly!
2. Elephant
A lot of these animals aren’t meant for the world of ownership. They’re loud or violent or smell like dirty dicks 24/7. But elephants are different. Elephants are peaceful. Elephants are something you could chill and watch a movie with and not have to worry about if it’s in the other room trying to rip your infant’s face off. Plus they pretty much can’t run away since elephants don’t really run for that long. Owning an elephant the size of a Pug is high on the list for all of these reasons plus the most obvious: chicks would love it.
1. Big Cat
Not the Chicago blogger. Real big cats. Didn’t want to waste space differentiating between lions and tigers and pumas and whatever — a tiny big cat would easily be the best miniaturized animal to own. A tiny lion could protect a house like a guard dog, plus do all that regular cute cat stuff that people waste their lives watching on Youtube.
“Check out my tiny bengal tiger play with string before devouring these three live miniaturized cows”. Youtube Views City. Sure your furniture would all be ruined in two days, but you’d make more than enough to cover those losses after your tiny puma wins his first few dog fights. Easy money to be made everywhere with a tiny big cat.
How long do you think it’ll take. A decade?
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