Some of you may think it’s a bit morbid to be overly specific about what you want done with your body after you die. To those people: face reality. You’re going to die one day, might as well get what you want. And although you literally won’t be able to care what is done with your body after you’ve actually died, it’s always nice to live with the satisfaction that things will be handled how you like when it’s your turn to punch the clock. So, in order to assist you all with your own personal post-life body choices, here are the Top Nine Things To Do With Your Body After You Die:
9. Natural Burial
Did you know that people are now having “natural” burials, where their families willingly throw their bodies into a dirt hole with no embalming or concrete or protection? Real people are paying for the right to have their loved ones wrapped in cloth and placed in biodegradable caskets so the elements can just have at their corpses. This, ladies and gentlemen, is hippie nonsense. Nobody knows for sure how long and how much of your brain is active after you die. Only a crazy person would allow worms to burrow through their eyeballs and rainwater to eat their flesh without knowing for sure if all the lights will be out first. Besides, just the thought of realizing a week later that the body of a loved one already looks like a zombie makes this the worst choice.
8. Eternal Reefs
Mix my crushed bones and other remains with artificial reef material so they can make me into a heavy concrete orb and throw my ass in the ocean forever and ever? What a cocky waste of money. More of your body would be naturally absored into the ocean by just tossing the corpse in the Atlantic, if you wanna be real about it. Get over yourself. Fishes and the sea anemones don’t want your bones.
This actually sounded pretty badass
at first, with all the body liquefying and leaving the bones behind and all. But once you get to the part where you realize all that’s left of you is a motor oil that smells like ammonia it kind of loses its fun factor. Nobody wants to walk in somebody’s house and ask “oh, what’s that smell?” and have the answer be a dead person’s name.
6. Donate To Science
Pretty much split on the scientific donation. On the one hand it’s free and could go towards scientifically progressing human beings, and on the other your body could just be used by L’Oreal to make sure their new mascara doesn’t burn through skin. Can’t really ever trust any organization that accepts bodies, you know. Maybe you end up doing a cool skateboarder pose after some plastination
like in the Bodies exhibit, but it’s probably more likely you’re just hacked up while some rich alcoholic walks off with your kidney.
5. Normal Burial
Basic, easy, and nobody will think you’re a weirdo. Still pretty much just throwing your body in a hole, though.
Could get your ashes loaded into bullets or exploded into fireworks like Hunter S. Thompson, but really we all know how this story ends. Your grandkid’s fiance is gonna come over to visit for the first time then in some embarrassing-yet-comical fashion will destroy your ashes and leave them on the carpet for the cat to piss on. Or John Goodman is gonna spread them over a cliff on a windy day and get your ashes all in The Dude’s face. Something shitty is always happening to ashes.
Nobody does this shit anymore, and it feels like if some modern-day powerful person had the balls they could totally flip public opinion on mummies. Not talking about stuffing grandma and putting her in her favorite action pose, no. We’re talking serious, bandage-wrapped Egypt-style mummification. Why not? Spend your burial money on a tiny pyramid like Nic Cage and get wrapped up with with some jewels and shit.
2. Space Burial
If you can’t figure out why getting your body shot into space to travel on perfectly preserved and unweathered until the end of time is awesome you’re probably on the wrong blog.
EASILY the greatest of them all. Why NOT get yourself cryogenically frozen? Because you DON’T want to be reborn in the future and see all that man has become? Besides the expense, there’s no other reason why everyone shouldn’t be on the “freeze me” bandwagon. Are you one of those people who doesn’t think humans can be brought back to life? Sucks to be you. If this were about 100 years ago you’d be shaking your cane at the Wright Brothers telling them how humans were never meant to fly through the sky. Future happens, people. And if you’re smart your head and/or body will be there to enjoy it all.
See you in the freeze tanks, suckers!