Barstool Sports

Mirror – An Aussie forklift driver believed by some historians to be the rightful King of England has died, aged 71. Mike Hastings became a household name after TV researchers revealed his family was cheated out of the crown in the 15th century. A Channel 4 team found documents suggesting Edward IV was illegitimate, so his younger brother George, the Duke of Clarence and Mike’s ancestor, should have been king. It said that Edward’s father Richard of York was fighting the French at Pontoise when he was conceived, while his mother Cecily was 125 miles away at Rouen, allegedly in the amorous arms of an English archer. If true, the crown should have passed on to Edward’s younger brother George, the duke of Clarence, who was a direct ancestor to Hastings. … Hastings showed little interest in pursuing his claim to the monarchy when interviewed in 2005, citing the intense public scrutiny endured by the royals. However, he joked: “I reckon I might send Lizzie a bill for back rent. The old girl’s family have been living in my bloody castle for the last 500 years.”

The rightful king of England is the dumbest dead guy of the day without question. “Showed little interest in pursuing his claim to the monarchy”? Why the hell would he do that? Either Mike Hastings was the only human being on Earth who didn’t lust for money and power, or he was a straight-up dummy. Everybody wants to be king. It’s RIGHTFULLY your crown. Sack up, stupid.

Oh that’s right…you’re a dead guy. Well rest in peace MISTER regular guy nobody is going to remember tomorrow. You could’ve been KING Joffe Joffer Whatever Name You Wanted Cause You’re King and had your body frozen with fake remains entombed in some epic stone castle. Could have been the case of the century.  Couldda shouldda wouldda now.

Rest in peace, dummy.