Eagles – The Eagles announced on Tuesday morning that wide receiver Riley Cooper has returned from his excused absence and is scheduled to practice with the team today. The team added that Cooper will be available for interviews after the joint practice with the New England Patriots.
[Riley Cooper walks into Chip's office and sits across from the head coach at his desk]
Riley Cooper – I feel different, coach. I really do. Everything you told me to do I did and now I feel like a whole new man.
Chip Kelly – You did everything?
RC – Everything, coach. The Southern Baptist church, the Kevin Hart DVDs, the shea butter, those first few seasons of Martin–
CK – The good ones, right? Not those later weird ones with the 3D animated Martin intro?
RC – Just like you said, coach. That Jackson 5 anthology–
CK – Magic, I know.
RC – That episode of Fresh Prince when Will’s dad leaves him again and Will gives that teary-eyed speech about not needing him–
CK – Heartbreaking, I know.
RC – By the time Boyz n the Hood ended I swear to God I felt closer to those people than ever in my life.
[Chip Kelly gets up from desk and stares out the window. In the distance Jeremy Maclin on crutches shakes his head as Ifeanyi Momah drops a pass.]
CK – No more N-words. You can’t even say the B word. From now on the circular saws in your home garage are from B-Word & Decker, you understand me?
RC – Not a problem, coach. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go buy some more coconut water. Still kinda hungover from getting African American-out drunk last night.