As mentioned yesterday, we will be holding a Final Four to decide who gets a blogger gig with me here at Barstool Philly. I’ll put a voting bar at the bottom so you guys can have your voices heard.
Today’s assignment was a blog on a current news event. No other rules. These are the blogs I received.
May the best blogger win.
Cleaning Up The Philth
Following an uncharacteristic injury to The Big Piece (of Shit) it would appear the Phillies are doomed for mediocrity this season and for the foreseeable future, unless Ruben Amaro Jr. can do something about it over the next few weeks. Between Utley’s exploding knees, Howard stumbling around Subway commercial sets using a baseball bat as a cane, Charlie Manuel wandering Cracker Barrel restaurants after losses, scaring customers by muttering to himself and Jimmy Rollins, whose jogging schedule apparently interferes with his playing schedule, the Phil’s have quite the island of misfit senior citizens. Although all of these aging, oft injured albatrosses aren’t benefitting the Phil’s in any way, they could benefit a shortsighted contender willing to give up a lot to get a player that can be a difference in a playoff run. Like a sick dog, you have to know when to just put a baseball team down and buy a new puppy. So let’s play GM and explore some trade options and pray to all that is holy that the mute Ruben Amaro Jr. somehow stumbles upon this post and has the ability to read.
Chase Utley: The only hesitation I have about shipping Ut out of town is that it drastically reduces any chances of courting and bedding his smokeshow, dog-loving wife. I like dogs too, so I feel that could definitely be the centerpiece of a deep and meaningful relationship. Apparently the Royals are in on him? This is obviously just as confusing to the Royals as the rest of the baseball world, as I’m not sure that they know how any of this stuff works, but it’d be nice to grab a couple mid level prospects for him.
Johnathan Papelbon: Personally, I like the guy he’s got the panache, moxie and that dash (heap) of crazy salt that you want in a closer. But if you aren’t contending you don’t need an elite, loudmouth closer, especially when you could get a huge haul in return. Hopefully Rubes can swing that big dick around and bend a team like the Tigers over the ol’ barrel, they need a closer badly and may be willing to give up their top farm prospect for him.
Michael Young: This free agent experiment went just about as well as one of those volcanoes created in a high school chemistry class, everyone is half expecting a nice big explosion and all you get is some limp dick display that just kind of oozes and dribbles out the top and gets shit all over the floor. The AL east is drooling on Mike’s knob with the Red Sox showing interest and the Yankees discussing a deal involving Joba Chamberlin, you know, the overweight pitcher who almost died on a trampoline, so things are looking really, really good.
Cliff Lee: Poor Cliff. A lot of blue on that collar just trying to make an honest living and yet he seems to get berated with trade rumors every July. A lot of teams are interested, but I don’t think the Phillies should get rid of him and don’t think that they will. A team would have to send over an absolute no brainer of a deal for this to work, and seeing as how Ruben doesn’t appear to have a brain (see scarecrow picture for definitive evidence) I think he would more than likely take it.
Ryan Howard: Not only is he a fat fuck, but his contract is as bloated as a dead body being dredged from the Schuylkill river in the heat of summer. No one’s gonna touch his abortion of a contract unless the Phil’s pay a ton of it… which they’re not gonna do. Oh, and then there’s that minor thing about him probably being out for the rest of the season.
As a die hard phillies fan it’s hard to give such a pathetic, bittersweet outlook, especially after they have put together a nice little run over the past week, but getting my hopes up will probably amount to more crippling disappointment. Maybe the Phillies should join the Sixers and try to tank for Wiggins? Food for thought.
WORLD SERIES 2013!
P.S. Ruben really needs to think about slappin a goatee back on that mug, something that really takes laps around the mouth, I think it would prove to be an asset.
…And The ‘I Need Feminism Because…’ Posts Come To A Screeching Halt
“I need feminism because having STD’s should be a badge of honor not a stigma”. Did I miss the memo that its cool for a guy to have herpes? Like chicks are watching some bro walk by and they start whispering to each other “I heard he has chlamydia AND herpes….such a hottie”. If this were the case why did I spend my college years freaking out the morning after a 9pm blackout searching my room or trashcan for the telltale evidence I wrapped my dick before going balls deep into a girl loose enough to go home with me. Shit, if she was willing to bang me she has definitely replied to a MMMMMM-4-W casual encounters ad on Craigslist.
Listen up Eyebrows, we get it, you had sex. Assholes to donuts she hesitantly lost her virginity to a guy she couldn’t believe actually liked her and he repaid her with a lifetime supply of open sores on her vag. I would be pissed too, but trying to pull a Billy Madison and making STD’s cool isn’t going to stick. Dress it up as feminism all you want but STD’s are fucking gross regardless of gender, race or species.
I bet my unbagged, 100% disease free dick in her vagina she is the loner girl at parties that sidles up to a conversation and just nods and laughs with the group until there is a pause long enough for her to make an awkward comment that brings everything to a grinding halt.
Not going to lie, felt some blood rush to my penis when I glanced at the cleavage, if she didn’t have an STD I would definitely knock her bottom out…..doggie style of course.
PS: This is an all in situation, so I am throwing it out there. I have some great video ideas and bits ready to shoot. I make it to the next round I am shooting video for the best of 7 championship. Philadelphia tailgating situations are ripe for great segments, I have AV equipment, editing skills, health insurance, and no shame. Lets make some great video.
MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD.
Vote 1 for Blogger 2 and 10 for Blogger 3