As mentioned yesterday, we will be holding a Final Four to decide who gets a blogger gig with me here at Barstool Philly. I’ll put a voting bar at the bottom so you guys can have your voices heard.
Today’s assignment was a blog on a current news event. No other rules. These are the blogs I received.
May the best blogger win.
Dennis Rodman and I Should Win the Nobel Prize
Nelson Mandela. The Dalai Lama. Mikhail Gorbachev. Lech Walesa. Archbishop Desmond Tutu. Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr. And…Dennis Rodman? Well, “the worm” thinks he belongs on that list. All those other people have won the Nobel Peace Prize and Rodman feels his February trip to hang out with Kim Jong-un puts him on the list. For the record, he’s serious. This is not an Onion article. “Fact is, he hasn’t bombed anywhere he’s threatened to yet. Not South Korea, not Hawaii, not … whatever. People say he’s the worst guy in the world. All I know is Kim told me he doesn’t want to go to war with America. His whole deal is to talk basketball with Obama. Unfortunately, Obama doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. I ask, Mr. President, what’s the harm in a simple phone call? This is a new age, man. Come on, Obama, reach out to Kim and be his friend.” “My mission is to break the ice between hostile countries,” Rodman says. “Why it’s been left to me to smooth things over, I don’t know. Dennis Rodman, of all people. Keeping us safe is really not my job; it’s the black guy’s [Obama's] job. But I’ll tell you this: If I don’t finish in the top three for the next Nobel Peace Prize, something’s seriously wrong.” (NBC Sports)
So apparently The Worm thinks he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. Obviously don’t ask Will Perdue about that but I can’t say I think it’s that far of a stretch. Gandhi he’s not, but seriously this guy has been killing the whole North Korea situation.
I mean, I’m not a smart guy by anyone’s standard but even I can do the math. Obama has been failing for months trying to keep this guy Kim Chong Un (Kim Jong Poon? whatever I don’t know) from fucking his own shit up by bombing us. Rodman’s there for what a week? And he’s already got General Tso at the bargaining table. “The Black Guy” has a Nobel Peace Prize and Drod’s diplomatically kicking his ass. It would be tougher to come up with a reason Rodzilla shouldn’t win this shit.
On second thought you know who else hasn’t caused North Korea to bomb anyone yet? That’s right, this guy. Dennis Rodman and I should obviously be finalists for the Nobel Peace Prize. How to settle it you ask? Easy. Free throw competition. Boom. Just mail me my prize now.
North Philly Hoarder Found Unconscious Living With Cats, Rats, Bats And Shit Everywhere
huffpo – On Sunday, authorities were called to the “poorly ventilated” house where they found the hoarding homeowner unconscious. So far, five sick but living cats and four dead ones have been found, according to Wendy Marano, spokeswoman for the Philadelphia Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. She told HuffPost Crime that there are surely more survivors and authorities have set humane traps to catch them. The mounds of trash have prevented authorities from getting an exact count. Marano said there were plastic Tupperware bins “stacked 10 or 12 tall” being used as litter boxes. Trees and limbs were growing out of the gutters, and drywall had peeled off the structure. “It was horrible,” she said. “Everything was covered in animal waste. The whole floor was covered … It’s hard to believe there were animals or human beings in there.” She added that spiders, wild bats and rats had also infested the house. The search for surviving animals will be a several-day operation.)
Not even going to make fun of this 70 year old unconscious bro because I’m 100% certain that blogging is a gateway drug into becoming a hoarder. Can’t throw stones.
So yeah, maybe I get the blogging job on Philly, adopt a few cats for daily companionship in my new life of never leaving the house again and convince myself that things are awesome. Fast forward 3 months, I gain like 30-50 lbs, 3 cats turns into 10 cats, Mo fires me, a couple of rats get into the mix and there’s literally a fortress of Tupperware bins blocking the door. Once it’s established that blogging more or less killed me, it’s time to shift attention to trapping a bat inside so that I at least have a cats-rats-bats trifecta to hang my hat on. At that point, every additional day of life is found money. I can shit wherever, cry without judgment and pass out unconscious in a bag of trash like the Constitution intended. My ghetto-Jumanji house and I will live by an “if he dies, he dies” policy and just try to make light out of the horrible hand life dealt all of us.
PS. Exhibit A:
PPS. Doesn’t matter where I’m from or who I root for, as long as I’m able to post this:
I think we’ll get along just fine, Stoolies.
MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD.
Vote 1 for Blogger 1 and 10 for Blogger 4