Barstool Sports

Arbroath – An intense situation unfolded inside a Belmont, North Carolina, hotel on Saturday. Authorities say 61-year-old Fredrick Denny barricaded himself inside his room at the Hampton Inn threatening to shoot at police. According to officials, Denny caused a disturbance at the hotel earlier on Saturday morning. Multiple agencies including the Regional SWAT Team responded to the scene on Cecilia Alexander Drive. Officials shut down the second floor of the hotel as they tried to reason with Denny. His demands included pizza and to marry Paris Hilton. After hours of negotiating, he was pepper sprayed and taken into custody. Authorities say he’s had several run-ins with SWAT Teams in other states. He was taken to the hospital for a mental evaluation.

Homey…Paris Hilton? What is this, 2005? Might as well demand some trucker hats, a Napoleon Dynamite DVD, and for Dave Chappelle to come down there and yell “I’m Rick James, bitch!” into the megaphone. It’s pathetic. Sir are you even aware of the much younger, hotter options out on the market right now? Kate Upton, Bar Refaeli, Kim Kardashian, Georgia Salpa, Rihanna — the list goes on. And you pick that skinny coked-up racist Paris Hilton? Time to hook up that 33.6k modem and Altavista some asses on the internets, Fred.