Barstool Sports

Arbroath – A woman at a St. Paul, Minnesota, bus stop called police on Wednesday saying: “I’ve seen a lot on University Avenue, but never anything like this.” The 30-year-old woman, who was sitting at the corner of University and Marion Street, called 911 after seeing a man pull up in a car in front of her. Minutes later, officers nearby were told by a dispatcher to look out for “a white male in a red pickup performing oral sex on a white dildo.” Cars behind the man had been honking their horns, trying to get him to move, the woman added. Plus, there were kids around, she said. Police responding to the call noticed a red pickup several blocks away. After pulling over Brian Wutschke, 45, of Farmington, police searched the interior of his truck and found a sex toy under a flannel shirt. They also noted several pairs of women’s panties strewn around the interior, including hanging from the rear-view mirror and the gear shift. When they performed a pat-down search of the man and reached “the waistline area,” officers could feel something vibrating. The man then informed them he also had a sex toy inserted inside him. “That one’s kind of unique. They’ll be talking about this one for a while,” said police watch commander Eric Anderson. Police called the witness, who gave a description of Wutschke over the phone. The officers drove Wutschke to the jail, hearing the sex toy still vibrating on the plastic seats of their squad car. Sheriff officials at the jail removed it as they were booking him, but as of late Wednesday nobody was comfortable turning it off. “They’ll just let the batteries run out,” Anderson said. Wutschke was booked into Ramsey County jail on suspicion of indecent exposure and obscene materials and performance, both gross misdemeanors. The St. Paul city attorney’s office reviewed the case and authorized police on Thursday to issue Wutschke a citation for indecent conduct, a misdemeanor, said Laura Pietan, deputy city attorney for the criminal division.

You know how to get to Carnegie Hall, right? Practice.

Brian Wutschke could’ve just sat at home tickling his asshole and continued his trend towards car blowjob mediocrity, but some people simply aren’t okay with being average.  Some demand excellence out of themselves.  And for those willing to work hard enough, risk legal action, and deep throat a rubber caucasian penis while sitting in a vehicle on a busy street, greatness remains an attainable goal.

Of all the things to not be in our law books, though, driving with an active vibrator in your ass is legal?  Can’t text, no no no.  Can’t talk on the phone God no.  But you wanna distract yourself from the road by throwing several inches of buzzing plastic in your asshole — go right ahead!  LAND OF THE FREE!

Nice of the cops of let the vibrator keep going until the batteries ran out.   I’m sure Brian appreciated it.