Barstool Sports

Arbroath – A cross-eyed arsonist, Andrew Burls, who set fire to an underwear shop during last summer’s London riots was caught after police recognised his distinctive eyes on CCTV footage. The 23 year-old admitted starting the blaze in the Peckham store, south east London, which caused almost £1million damage and left several people homeless. Despite efforts to disguise himself, detectives identified Burls, who was said to “go cross-eyed under stress”, after he left his eyes visible above a scarf wrapped around his face. The alleged offences took place on Monday August 8 at commercial and residential buildings in Rye Lane. The fire, which started at Regens Lingerie Boutique in Rye Lane just after 7.30pm before spreading to a Post Office branch, other businesses and residential flats. … But officers arrested him at his home, not far from the scene, on October 24 after sifting through hours of CCTV footage. Acting Detective Sergeant Jim Woods, from Southwark Police, said: “You can see on the video that he is cross-eyed. It was one of the strands I used to identify him.” Burls at first denied arson but changed his plea to guilty at Inner London Crown Court after police found evidence to prove an alibi was false.

It’s not fair that some of us aren’t built to be criminals. People with immediately recognizable traits — the very tall, people with cool facial scars, the dudes-whose-eyes-go-crossed-when-they-get-stressed-out — we can never become successful thieves or stay under the radar from police for any extended amount of time. Where’s our sympathy? Where’s our Walk-a-Thon? I’m 6’6″ — the only place with security cameras I could rob without getting immediately arrested when I got home is like a Big & Tall or maybe the Basketball section of Modell’s. That’s it. Crime should be an option for everybody, not just the very plain.

This possum-faced dipshit just wanted to riot like every other young Londoner last year. All his friends were out smashing teacups and throwing krimpets and shit at police and he just wanted to be part of the action. Is it dude’s fault that stress makes him look at his own nose? It’s like there’s a punishment for being different in this world.  Stand strong, Andrew.  And when you get to jail, don’t let ‘em know you’re scared.