Arbroath – When Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office deputies arrested a man last Sunday afternoon on suspicion of barging into a River Ridge, Louisiana, home, he identified himself as Jesus of Bethlehem and Nike Air Jordan. Deputies eventually booked him as Jesus Jordan. However, it turns out the suspect’s play on the popular athletic shoe was closer to the mark. Jesus Jordan is actually Nike Jordan Abila, 19, of New Orleans, according to Col. John Fortunato, spokesman for the Sheriff’s Office. “He gave investigators a fictitious name,” Fortunato said. Abila was booked with home invasion, simple battery and a host of other charges after he allegedly entered a woman’s home, terrifying her and her 9-year-old daughter. The woman, who is not being identified, said he just appeared in her home. The intruder turned aggressive, shaking her and telling her she was a sinner that needed to be saved. The family’s four Huskies, Great Dane and Chihuahua chased him off.
Not…what I was expecting. You’d think Nike Jordan would be black, right? Like a black kid with with a box haircut and a 50-inch vertical. Like in my head Nerlens Noel should 100% be named Nike Jordan. That name shouldn’t be wasted on dirty Bayou kids who shake strange 9 year-olds awake and beg to have their souls saved. Nike Jordan should be in commercials with Spike Lee, dressed head to toe in fluorescent green Oregon Ducks bullshit and high-fiving Carmelo Anthony while rapping to his Beats By Dre. Maybe he’d have a gambling problem and an official Michael Jordan® Hitler Stache. Either way getting chased from a home invasion by chihuahuas is definitely not acceptable Nike Jordan behavior. Hopefully there’s a DeNike Jordan out there who more closely fits the picture in my head.
PS – One hundred percent chance kid’s mom pleasured herself to Michael Jordan.