CINCINNATI — An Ohio church is offering a drive-thru Ash Wednesday blessing for parishioners who might be pressed for time. The Rev. Patricia Anderson Cook of Mt. Healthy United Methodist Church in suburban Cincinnati plans to provide the service for people of all faiths and services beginning around 5 p.m. in the church’s parking lot. “Some people are very busy, and some people get a little intimidated walking into a church, this is for them,” Cook told the Cincinnati Inquirer.
Quite possibly the greatest power move by the church since the Inquisition. Christ for the 21st century. Nice to cater to people intimidated by walking into a church but have the holy cojones to walk around all day in public with symbolic ash on their face. And to think people actually have time to waste on church outside of the already grueling 2.5 hours a year wasted on Christmas Eve and Easter Sunday?
Spending an unnecessary hour in mass on a Wednesday is pretty much torture. Church time is like dog years in reverse – every minute feels like 7. And there’s only so much you can do to occupy your mind from wanting to punch yourself and everyone around you in the dick. If you’re lucky you have a smoke in your field of vision and can sport some holy wood, but all hope is lost when you lose track of where the Priest is in the mass and you’re all of a sudden forced to stand. Christ’s Catch-22. And there’s only so much time you can spend thinking ‘What if one of those big ass lights hanging from the ceiling would fall?,’ planning every option in advance to make sure you’re kneeling as minimally as possible, and fantasizing how far you can get with the collection plate before being tackled. It’s physically and mentally exhausting. So big time move by this Pastor here going with the quick and easy method to be saved. Because nothing says I worship the almighty by spending more time, thought, and money waiting on some spicy chicken nuggets and a frosty than in church.
PS – How jealous were you of the rebels who left right after getting communion? Fuck those un-pious assclowns.