Much like the anti-playtime preschool letter, this article demands a line-by-line analysis.
“I have been following Tim since he became a QB for the University of Florida Gators, and I never have seen a more determined or inspiring athlete to play the game of football.”
Translation: Chuck Norris doesn’t watch a lot of football. Because OBVIOUSLY he’s never heard of LeSean McCoy. You want inspiring? His baby’s mother is asking him to pay child support. His second Mercedes has to run on regular gas!
“One can improve technique, but leadership is innate. That is why I believe that Tebow could be a superstar and legend in the NFL.”
I remember when I believed in Disney stories, too. News flash, Charles: kids with broken arms can’t play for the Cubs, dogs can’t catch touchdowns, and quarterbacks who can’t throw don’t make it to legend status.
“Tebow is a player who rises to the occasion and delivers big in critical moments. He reminds me of myself when I used to compete in martial arts. I would spar with my black belts in class, and sometimes they would outscore me. Yet in the tournaments, I would defeat them. My students used to ask me, ‘Why is it that we can contend equally against you in class but can’t beat you in the tournaments?’ My answer was always the same: ‘When it counts, I rise to the occasion.’”
Chuck fucking Norris.
“It has been said, ‘If a quarterback came through with a clutch, final-minute victory, he pulled a ‘Tebow.’”
No it hasn’t.
“So what team do I feel should give Tim the opportunity to excel as a quarterback and usher it to Super Bowl status? My present pick would be the Jacksonville Jaguars.”
Okay, now you’re just getting silly. Can’t even take you serious right now. Super Bowl and Jaguars should never be in the same sentence. You saw their new uniforms, right? You saw that they have two-tone helmets and their owner looks like a Pakistani porn director? Super Bowl? Let’s be serious here.
Jesus he’s not about to quote Martin Luther King is he?
“There comes a time when one must take a position–”
I can’t believe he’s doing it.
“…that is neither safe nor politic nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.’”
That’s the Dr. King I remember. Hated NFL owners who wouldn’t stand up to the media.
“I have been an athlete all my life, being a six-time undefeated world middleweight champion in the martial arts, and I know a winner when I see one. Tim Tebow is a winner — plain and simple!”
Humble brag like a motherfucker. Gotta respect it. I hope the Jaguars sign Tebow just for you, Chuck.