Based on your comments, it seems like lots of people want me to be more positive when I talk Phillies. I know. I’m rough on them. But, like, I’ve been watching games since 2006. I have 14 different “Ill” shirts, and, like, I always take a break from chasin’ snatch to watch Chase Utley and Ryan Howard bat when I’m chillin’ with my bros in Ashburn Alley. I got rally towels from all the playoff runs, too. Know what I’m saying?
Actually, when I was a kid, I used to collect baseball cards. I remember one time I traded a 1991 Topps Barry Bonds card for a Randy Ready card. Straight up. Because although Randy Ready sucked, he was on the Phillies and I knew that Barry Bonds was a cocksucker even then. I cut the lawn as an eight-year-old to get my parents to order PRISM in June of 1993 so I didn’t miss the games when they weren’t on Channel 17. I remember hoping guys like Matt Beech, Mike Grace, and Garrett Stephenson were the next big things. They weren’t. Point is, I’ve seen a lot of shitty baseball and I’ve been this fucking crazy, too crazy, about this game from the jump. And I gotta tell you, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a more heartless, dickless, hopeless, lazy, and stupid bunch of players in the 20-plus years I’ve religously watched this team. But you want positive, so here you go. Let’s start with the positive from this weekend. Ryan Howard made his season debut Friday night, got a standing ovation, and banged out two hits in his return.
That’s about all I got for you.
His return helped spark the Phillies’ inconsistent offense to put up zero fucking runs. The Phillies wasted seven innings of shutout baseball from Kyle Kendrick. Antonio Bastardo came on in relief for Kendrick and had a little fiesta where he promptly took a runny taco shit all over the mound at Citizens’ Bank Park as he walked in the go-ahead run and then allowed a grand slam.
On Saturday night, Joe Blanton was Joe Blanton while Hunter Pence looked like he was actually going to complete a baseball activity without looking like a complete assclown until he got into a collision with Juan Samuel on his way to the plate. In Samuel’s defense, the Phillies haden’t scored since the sixth inning on Thursday night, so he was probably stunned that a runner was about to score.
On Sunday, Shane Victorino, who hasn’t produced an extra-base hit since June 13, was reportedly benched when he threw a fit over hitting seventh in the lineup. Charlie Manuel debunked that after the team’s 4-3 loss, saying that Victorino was upset with his own performance. Whatever. Victorino threw a temper tantrum, for whatever reason, and got benched because of it. And Jimmy Rollins, who leads baseball with 24 pop-outs this season, brushed off reporters after the game when he told them, “Don’t waste your time, guys.” Atta guy.
Three games. Three losses. The Phillies are now 37-50. To put that into perspective, they lost their 50th game of the season on September 12th last season. They’re 1-10 since Chase Utley returned to the lineup. They’re 0-37 when trailing after seven innings. This team may have never been destined to be a champion, but 13 games under .500 at the All-Star Break is unacceptable. You can make excuses about age, injuries, natural regression, and all that sabermetric bullshit that suggests bad luck. Blah, blah, blah. I have a better explanation. Baseball is played on a field, not in a fucking spread sheet. This is a heartless, dickless, hopeless, stupid, and lazy roster that’s totally checked out. Enjoy the break.