Big time drunken discussion over the weekend about what is the best thing you personally can do in the world. I said without a doubt play Mario Kart 64. Probably the best player on Earth, and I truly believe that. Haven’t played in 6 years but know I can pick right up and win. In races I would estimate my overall record at around 20,000 wins vs. 500 losses. Don’t think I’ve ever lost a battle. Ever.
Now, rightfully so, I was immediately chirped to death by everyone. People telling me to prove it. Well here you go. If there is anyone out there with a N64 and Mario Kart 64 that thinks they can challenge the champion, let’s dance. And this isn’t a pussyesque deal either, I’m putting my money where my mouth is. $100 to anyone who beats me. No questions asked and no strings attached. All I ask for when I win is you apologize for ever thinking you could beat me in the first place.
Now you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let’s get nuts. If you have a N64 with WORKING CONTROLLERS (if I can’t drift, I can’t live) and live within an hour of Center City or are down by the shore for the summer shoot me an email at Phillytips@barstoolsports.com. Or if you’re really a man challenge me directly like real man would…from hiding your face behind a Twitter handle:
We’ll establish the rules if/when we get challengers, but it’ll have to be like 10 battles and 10 races. Not decided if it’s Grand Prix style or VS. yet, but we’ll get there. And this will be videotaped for documentation so I can eventually send tape to Guinness confirming I can now take a Chipolte worthy shit in Billy Mitchell’s hot sauce. Twin Galaxies will be begging to kiss my dick. Steve Wiebe can watch.
If you’re not ready, better think twice about it because you might get hurt. I am the Best Of The Best.
[Editor's Note: Not 100% sure if we're allowed to gamble on video games, so the $100 will be a donation to charity of your choice. If your charity happens to be the Mario Kart Winner's Wallet Foundation, so be it.]