Woolly Mammoth Are About To Make A Comeback And That Seems Rather Troublesome


Guardian – The woolly mammoth vanished from the Earth 4,000 years ago, but now scientists say they are on the brink of resurrecting the ancient beast in a revised form, through an ambitious feat of genetic engineering.

Speaking ahead of the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) annual meeting in Boston this week, the scientist leading the “de-extinction” effort said the Harvard team is just two years away from creating a hybrid embryo, in which mammoth traits would be programmed into an Asian elephant.

Don’t get me wrong. I think Woolly Mammoth are pretty heckin’ sweet. I’d love to own one and ride him around town for transportation. Having a pet woolly mammoth shoots right up to #1 in the Power Rankings of Dope Shit To Do In Life as long as these science nerds are actually men (and/or women) of their word and come through on this one. Something here is leading me to believe that they’re full of shit and we’ll never see another woolly mammoth roam the Earth for as long as we live. But I love a good comeback story just as much as the next guy so in some ways, I’m pulling for the dorks.

In other ways, this can’t be a good sign for humans. Because while having a pet woolly mammoth would be awesome in theory, in practice it would be quite problematic. For starters, who do you feed a woolly mammoth and can you imagine having to pick up those shits? For bench players, these things would FUCK. YOU. UP. Woolly Mammoth seem like they’d be super chill and just giant teddy bears. But the moment the woolly mammoth population gets large enough to take over the world, it’s going down. We’ve spent millions of years developing past pre-historic times. We all saw Jurassic Park. We all know what happens when we test evolution and try to reverse time. And it’s no bueno for us. No bueno indeed. Because you’re not Jeff Goldblum, man. You’re dead. I’m dead. We’re all dead.

I swear to god all scientists do every day is try to come up with ways to expedite the destruction of humanity. Between the robots they’ve been developing for years and now playing real life Jurassic Park, I’m almost praying for a nuclear apocalypse soon. At least that way we can take ourselves out instead of by the hands of other life forms.


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