The Official Batting Order For Acceptable “Deragatory” Nicknames To Call Women
@SmittyBarstool What's in the hole? Would a batting order of names be a good blog?
— Smeesh (@SmeeshWMD) August 23, 2013
And thus, a lineup needed to be made immediately. Expect my head in a box via KO Barstool by sundown, assuming they still exist. The titties have gone flat on that front.
Already in the HOF and untouchable: Cunt. That word’s still has a slugging percentages that puts The Great Bambino in his prime to shame.
National League lineup, because it’s the true test of a manager.
1. Kitten – CF
Hitting you right out of the gate with some speed. Unconventional, yes, but it’s akin to Willie Mays Hayes: Lots of flash, not a lot of pop, but in the end gets the job done.
2. Sweetie – 2B
A backhanded compliment of sorts. Doesn’t have a lot of spunk by any means, but will give you a solid glove and will sacrifice the swing to move the runner over with no questions asked.
3. Broad – LF
The best hitter in the lineup and the king of consistancy. Broads have always been, and they shall always be.
4. Babe – 1B
The power move of nicknames. Puts them in their place and they know it.
5. Bitch – RF
The Reggie Jackson in the lineup. Either hitting a home run or striking out every single time.
6. Skank – 3B
Need some fire out of the hot corner. Willing to put it all out on the line charging a bunt and not puss out when they pull back and start hacking.
7. Sweet/Suger/Honey Tits – SS
Feels like the Ozzie Smith of nicknames. Big time glove, killer speed, a little bit of bat, but all heart.
8. Toots – C
A staple behind the plate. May be a little older in years but wins you more games running the show and in the clubhouse than you’d ever think.
9. Hunny – P
As backhanded deragory as it gets. Such a staple now in the modern day language that it can be rolled out there every 5 days and give you 7 strong innings without anyone batting an eye.
OFF THE BENCH:
Whore/Slut – Big time pop off the bench, but use them with caution. Straight fastball hitters hitting bombs or bust.
Relax/Calm Down – Not really nicknames but much needed late game defensive substitutions when the game needs to be ensured.
Pumpkin – Al Bundy’s favorite deserves a spot on the roster, even if it’s most likely it shouldn’t have have made it out of Spring Training.
Hussy – Straight speed off the bench. Won’t give you much else, but put in to pinch run for Babe and she’ll steal 2nd and 3rd before you know what hit you.
Cum Dumpster – The drunk that never amounted to much but, when put in the right situation, can excel like no other.
CLOSER: WOMAN! – Used effectively and in the right tone can give you that extra umph needed to hold down the 9th and walk away with a victory.