Phillies Sign 37-Year-Old AJ Burnett

PHILLY – According to a local television reporter from A.J. Burnett’s hometown in Arkansas, the Phillies have signed the righty to a one-year, $16 million deal.

This isn’t even funny anymore.

1 year, $16 million is what Ruin Tomorrow Jr. is paying this basketcase whose tattoos he regretted getting in the ’80’s to come in and solidify the starting rotation. In Amaro’s defense, Burnett hasn’t pitched THAT bad the past two seasons in Pittsburgh. In 2012 he went 16-10 with a 3.51 ERA and a whip of 1.241 (the stat that really matters) while dishing out 200+ innings. Last year was 10-11 with a 3.30 and a 1.215 whip. I guess this is an upgrade over Kendrick for the #3 spot upgrade, but in the end this is just another Band-Aid move when a tourniquet, or more appropriately, a Life-Alert signal, is required. This team is old as balls and if everything goes PERFECT they barely have the talent to make the playoffs. Forget about winning another World Championship or the prospect of playoff baseball in this town for years past this season.

For the millionth time, it’s not the acquisitions that we necessarily hate (which we do), it’s the feeding us shit pretending like it’s caviar aspect of everything. How many times has Ruben Amaro said on the media saying that “Byrdie” will give the Phil’s offense the spark that’s needed to take them to the next level? He’s willingly pissing in our faces or worse is stupid enough to believe what he’s saying. Either/or, it’s unacceptable.

At least there’s some silver linings in this move:

AJ Burnett's knuckle curve was basically unhittable in MVP Baseball 2004 @SmittyBarstool

— Michaelangelo (@mljm1008) February 12, 2014

Oh, and Cole Hamels might be out up to the first month of the season with some bicep tendinitis. HIGH HOPES!