It's Time To Revisit The Top 5 Official Gatorade Rankings

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I’ll be the first to admit it’s been a rough Monday for your’s truly. Getting kicked off the karaoke stage for flipping the mic/murdering Meat Loaf, losing the phone, and being dropped out of my top spot in the Barstool Poker Rankings will do a number to any man. So I try to rekindle my spirits by heading to the local bodega for some fresh Gatorade to refuel the life, and what’s the only option? Lemon Lime. The levels of irrational anger flowing through my veins looking at that goat piss would make Hitler look tame. So I thought it would be a good time to revisit this unchanced listing from a couple blog seasons back. The official Gatorade rankings for you minions to debate and kill me and each other over for the rest of eternity. We’re not doing this G2-Tiger-Woods-Frost-X-Factor-Rain happy horseshit. We’re going it the way The University Of Florida and God intended: Straight colors. Also only doing the flavors you would typically see at your local WaWa or lesser worthy convenience store.

 

 

 

5. Red

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Leave this period blood fermenting the ’70’s. Refreshing? Sometimes. But the fruitiness is just too much. There is nothing worse than an overdose of Red Gatorade. Might as well ingest Pennzoil with the amount of puke that’ll come back up. Plus you get one drop on your shirt and it’ll stain worse than the memory of the first time you saw a grown man naked.

 

 

 

4. Yellow (Lemon Lime)

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Another old school flavor that failed to adapt with the times. The closest thing to legalized goat piss that’s on the market. Refreshing only when there’s nothing else to drink. Would rather down tap water from Detroit than a bottle of Yellow.

This is how you nonsensical you Lemon Lime defenders sound (via Gchat):

Tall Maurice: yellow is for athletes. blue/purple is for psychos like Handsome Hank to enjoy with their turnpike speghetti

I don’t even know what this means. Also, I take extreme offense to that spelling of spaghetti. You swing at the Pasta King you best not miss.

 

 

 

3. Orange

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Turning the tide with the 5 flavors. The Dangerfield of Gatorade’s. No respect. Almost always satisfying. Can be a little to much a la it’s Red-headed step brother when taken in excess, but for the most part a consistent, solid drink.

 

 

 

2. Blue (Light Blue like Glacier Freeze)

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Crisp. Refreshing. Never disappointing. It’s like every time The Shawshank Redemption is on TV. You know what you’re getting, but you enjoy it anyways because you know you’ll like it and it’s probably better than anything other option at the time.

 

 

 

1. Purple (Of course I fucking mean Riptide Rush, excuse the pic)

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The most underrated and the PERFECT hangover drink. Really nothing more to say. Overall the true Godfather of the Five Families.

Time’s yours.

True story: After high school football games they would give us all the carbonated All-Sport we could drink. That shit was so counterproductive to the human body it killed off more body cells than if we drank pure Plutonium.