How About Coach Nate Showing Up 30 Minutes After Tip Off To His Barstool Basketball Coaching Debut?
Game 1. Huge debut for Barstool and, more importantly, our relentless varmint Nate squeaking on the sidelines. The most important thing is we’re all in this as one. We win as a team, we lose as a team. We live together, we die together. So maybe, just maybe it would be beneficial for the Coach to be there organizing his team from the beginning, right? Someone who has boasted about watching film to get the best 5 on the court at all times, suspended one of our best players for not showing up to practice, and scouted opponents as diligently as he skins ferrets. Of course we need our little leader there to show us the way to the promised land.
So what happens? Well, let’s just show the Nate At Night Presents Stayin’ Up With Smitty live Periscope from the Team Bus on the way to the game:
LOLZ! Coach Late doing the damn thing! The troll decided to go through the wardrobe and head back home to Narnia (his Hoboken) before the game. That’s all well and good, but not when it’s a fucking 2-hour round trip like 20 minutes before the game.
Even so, the team was in disarray before the game even started, and it wasn’t all Coach’s fault. Tip off was at 9:15, so at 7:45 we were supposed to meet at the office I arrived back at HQ for our scheduled pregame meeting/video to find out a few cute nuggets: Kmarko was using up his fresh legs playing in another league. OM Brett was cracking open Bud Lights (plural) and debated dipping into the whiskey – On a Tuesday. We almost were required to call the police and out an APB Francis because he wasn’t answering his phone – Not so much because we missed him for the roster, but more so his whereabouts can be corroborated for future true-life stories to be seen on any ID Discovery show and/or Lifetime Movie. We didn’t even have enough shirts for everyone, which for some reason resulted in a league mandated 5-point hole to start the game. Not a good look for anyone.
We’ll get into more details and video of the game later – Spoiler Alert: We were quickly down by 8 with Intern Fran running the ship when Coach Nate bursted through the doors with his old man waddle, and guess what? We lost by double digits. Honestly, I don’t know if Coach Nate is up for the task of leading these men who are willing to sacrifice all blood (Capt. Cons), Sweat (Coley), and dignity (myself, I STINK) into battle. In the words of Terence Felcher (via Whiplash, GREAT movie), “If you give a calculator to a retard he’ll try to turn the TV on with it.” Somehow that resonates in this Coaching situation. As of now, the GM needs to discuss the situation with Owner Portnoy before any action is made, but something needs to be done. In fact, we have a new coach on our hands already. Someone who cares. Someone due for more W’s.
Wait, maybe not. Here is a sample conversation between myself and Tex this morning:
Tex: I want to be brought on as an assistant coach to the team. You guys need me.
Me: Sure thing, Tex. Next game is Monday.
Tex: Is Nate still the head coach?
Tex: I’d like to hand in my letter of resignation.
I don’t know why I expected anything more.