Fact: If You're Not From Pittsburgh But Root For The Penguins This Stanley Cup Final, You're An Asshole
Now I’m sure before we even get started, everybody is going to immediately assume this is just some salty Philly fan post. I’m sure that everybody is going to be thinking to themselves, “shut the fuck up, Jordie. You’re just butthurt that you wrote a blog in December declaring the Penguins dead and now here they are. Pussy”. And to that regard, you may be right on the surface level. But when you actually dig a little deeper and start to uncover what it truly means to root for this Penguins team over the San Jose Sharks in the Stanley Cup Final, well you start to realize that only native Yinzers and assholes could ever do such a thing. Let’s just take a look at some of the things the Penguins had to do to get to the point in which they’re at right now.
Fire Head Coach Mike Johnston
The Penguins literally took a job away from a hard working man in the middle of the season just because they don’t like the guy. Unemployment is a serious issue in this country and the Pittsburgh Penguins are only adding to that problem. Did they take the job away from a Canadian and then give a job to an American to replace him? Yeah, maybe. But these are the facts that we’re just going to disregard for the next couple of weeks. The big picture here is that we need to be looking to create jobs, not take them away. Are the Pittsburgh Penguins ruining the basic essence of the American Dream? It sure seems like they are. And speaking of ruining the American dream…
Look at that face. Just look at that mother fucking face. It’s the face of a monster. The face of a man who ripped the gold medals right off of Team USA’s necks in 2010. Are you seriuosly going to sit there and cheer for a team which is captained by this dickhead? For shame. And I get it. Sidney Crosby is without a doubt a top 5 talent in the world. It’s been that way for years. But he already has his gold medals, he already has his Stanley Cup, there’s no need to give this monster anything more at this point. You can appreciate Crosby’s talent, but don’t you dare pull for him to win anything else for the rest of his life. Meanwhile, the Sharks are led by Captain America himself.
So yeah, are you an unpatriotic son of a bitch? The puck’s on your stick.
Have Taken Carl Hagelin And Trevor Daley Against Their Will
Just envision this scenario for me real quick. Imagine you’re a bachelor with awesome hair and you’re living out in Anaheim. Or imagine you’re someone like Trevor Daley and you’re out living in Chicago. I’ve never been to either of those places but from what I’ve seen and heard, they’re both great. Now imagine one day the Black And Yellow army comes knocking at your door, rips you out of your home and imprisoned you in a camp in America’s asshole; Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Pretty fucked up, right? That’s what I thought, too, yet nobody is talking about it. Has nobody ever once thought that maybe Hagelin and Daley look like they’re having fun while playing for the Penguins because they’re suffering from a severer case of Stockholm Syndrome? I’ve seen it a thousand times.
Evgeny Malkin
Malkin is Russian. So is Vladimir Putin. These are just facts that I’m throwing out there on the table.
They Are Enabling Phil Kessel
Phil Kessel has always been a little pudgeball. It’s what makes him so lovable. The man beat cancer, he’s an American, he’s just said fuck it to all sorts of dietary standards of a professional athlete. There’s seemingly nothing to not love about Phil Kessel. But let’s call a spade a spade here… he’s gotten fatter since moving to Pittsburgh. I don’t know whether it’s because people in Pittsburgh drink mayonnaise like it’s water. I don’t know whether it’s because he has Primanti Bros at this disposal at all times. But the Penguins are enabling his fat ass habits and eventually they are going to ruin him. He was the perfect level of fat before, now it’s just getting weird.
They Touched The Prince Of Wales Trophy
Does Sidney Crosby think that he and the Penguins are bigger than the game of hockey as a whole? Does he think they are impervious to all of hockey’s superstitions? Does he care not of tradition and care only of himself? It sure as heck seems that way. Fuck that guy, and fuck the Pittsburgh Penguins. Let’s go Sharks.
