Dustin Byfuglien's 3 For 1 Hit Presented By Jordie's Sports Science
We had a vintage Dustin Byfuglien wrecking ball moment last night as the big fella took out 3 guys with one hit, and took himself out in the process. We’re talking complete and total destruction here from Dusty Buff. Pure carnage, total disregard for humanity type of shit. Anyway, I consider myself some what of a genius so I figured that I’d take on this hit from a scientific approach. You know, some real journalism stuff right here. So sit back, grab a pen and paper to take notes with and let’s break this shit down. Starting with figure 1.
Here we’re just setting the stage for the collision. As you can see, Dustin Byfuglien clearly has a size advantage over everybody else involved here. He’s listed at 260 on the Jets’ website but that’s got to be right when he wakes up in the morning after not eating for a few days. I’m going to say he’s closer to 270 and then when you add all the pads he’s wearing, let’s just call him 280. Meanwhile, Justin Braun is the 2nd biggest guy involved here and he’s barely cracking two hundo. Marcus Sorensen needs to get his bitch ass in the weight room and start chugging milkshakes before he goes to bed at night to tack on some mass. Same goes with Toby Enstrom. Anyway, we’ve got about 820 lbs listed here that are about to come together for a big ass hit. Let’s see how this one plays out.
So as you can see, Dustin Byfuglien actually attracts the other 3 players involved in this collision toward him with his gravitational pull. In case you need further evidence of that, let me enlarge that photo for you.
Now that rat bastard Isaac Newton would tell you that force equals mass times acceleration. But he was dealing with apples falling out of a tree and shit like that. Not even in his wildest dreams could he have ever envisioned a human being looking like Dustin Byfuglien. A man with so much mass that he defies the laws of physics. So what happens here is that Byfuglien sucks in Braun, Sorensen and Enstrom kind of like a black hole, and then we have an explosion kind of like what happens with a star I guess. I don’t know if that’s how it works or not but it sounds like something I heard on Bill Nye The Science Guy one time. So the result is the following…
So as you can see, the collision was so massive that Byfuglien created a portal to another dimension in which Braun, Sorensen and Enstrom are now living in. I’ve read through the NHL Rule Book from cover-to-cover about 5 different times now and nowhere in the rules did I see something that specifically states that you are not allowed to hit players into an alternate reality and/or alternate universe. Will they eventually make a Byfuglien Rule from this at the GM Meetings? I’d have to imagine so, yes. But for the time being, this is perfectly legal and Byfuglien should not have received a penalty for it. If I’m Winnipeg, I protest last night’s 3-2 loss until this situation is rectified.
P.S. – Had to.