Dangle Days Weekend Recap Featuring Phil “The Thrill” Kessel Dishing Out Alley Oops

As a Beer League Hero, I have at least a solid hundred games under my belt. And without exaggerating one bit, I’ve attempted to make this play in every single beer league hockey game I’ve ever played in. Little spoiler alert here but it’s never worked out for me and it usually just ends up on the back of the net, play stops and then I get bitched at by my buddies when I get back to the bench to quit dicking around out there. Meanwhile, Trill Kessel and Pat Hornqvist are treating the National Hockey League like it’s the And 1 Mixtape Tour.

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Remember that time the Toronto media ran Phil Kessel out of town? Remember when they had one of the most beautiful humans in history on their team and completely wasted his talent? Remember when they could have had Kessel out there dishing these oops to guys like Marner and Matthews but now he’s winning Stanley Cups in Pittsburgh? I member. Fuck I love that guy. Hate the sweater he wears but love the man behind it.

Goalie Run Of The Week: Neal Pionk from University of Minnesota-Duluth

We’ll have more on the NCAA Tournament coming later today but UMD landed themselves a top 4 seed in the tournament and have Ohio State coming up on Friday. If I’m the Buckeye tendy, I’m preparing to chuck some knucks if I need to with Neal Pionk showing no regard for human life with this play right here. And you know what? I love the shit out of it. I’ve been saying this forever. Goalies where the most pads out of anybody on the ice yet we’re constantly making up all these rules to protect them. Sorry, dorks, but if you want to play big boy hockey then sometimes you’re gonna have to take a big boy hit. That’s just the name of the game. Pionk is just doing everything he can here to put the biscuit in the basket. Where I come from, that’s called playing the game with heart and determination. You pull a filthy move like this, you’re not just going to let some goalie get in the way of your highlight reel package.

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Souvenir Of The Week: A Free Helmet In The EIHL

Somebody came away from that game with a free helmet and somebody else came away with a concussion. That’s what we in the biz like to refer to as an ol’ 2-for-1 special. Maybe the most charitable hit I’ve ever seen. And that, kids, is why you’re taught to never ever in a million years try to dangle the blue line. I’m not big on preaching dump & chase hockey. But don’t pull up to the blue line thinking you have time for some tea and crumpets before making a fucking play with the puck. You get to the blue line, you put your shoulder down and start to drive to the net immediately or else your dome gets taken off your body like this bloody bloke right here.

The “Max Jones Is Kind Of A Scumbag But His Hands Are As Dirty As His Hits” Of The Week

I get that this weekly award seems a bit convoluted but if you’ve kept up with Anaheim Ducks prospect Max Jones, you know what I’m talking about. Kid gets suspended on a fairly regular basis for dirt bag hits. Hits to the head, hits from behind, you name it. Kid plays the game on the line and has no problem crossing it. However….. he’s also a beauty when the puck is on his stick so you kind of need to just take the good with the bad when it comes to this kid.

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Back turned to the net, between the legs, 8-ball corner pocket. Sure, you may be without the kid for 10 games every season while he’s serving suspensions. But it’s well worth it when he’s back on the ice. And speaking of tweener shots…

Women’s Lax Goal Of The Week

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Sammy Jo Tracy. Just the name alone is worthy of a Dangle Days shoutout. But the goal definitely helps, too. Through her own legs, through the goalie’s legs, pipe and in. That, my friends, is what Dangle Days is all about. And sticking with the lax talk…

Jordie’s Beer League Box Goal Of The Week

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Let’s get a closer look at that one….

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Listen. Every once in a while I accidentally do something good and not bad that happens to get picked up on camera. For the most part, I suck. But I’m not gonna drill a corner on the backhand and NOT include it in the Dangle Days recap. Also, this is 1,000% my favorite thing about box lacrosse. The refusal to put the stick in your opposite hand. Sure, coaches would say to hit this roll and come out with a righty overhand shot to that low and away corner. But that’s not what box is all about. And that’s not what I’m all about. I’d rather die before putting the stick in my right hand. Dangles over fundamentals. Highlights only. Now let’s get back to some puck.

The “Holy Shit The Avalanche Are Bad” Of The Week

Avs up 3-1 over the Blackhawks in the 3rd period. Feeling pretty good about themselves. Sure, they’ve had the worst year in hockey since the invention of hockey but they needed a nice moral victory like this. All they have to do is hold on for another 10 minutes and they get out of Chicago with a win aaaaaaaaaaand they’re dead. 3 goals in 34 seconds for the Blackhawks. They end up winning the game 6-3 and clinch a playoff berth. Meanwhile, the Avalanche might not even be a playoff team in the American league.

Weekly “How Did Carey Price Do That” Award Goes To… 

Carey Price. It always goes to Carey Price.

And finally…

The “Everybody Is Getting Way Too Good At The Michigan” Of The Week

This one comes courtesy of Graeme Clarke of the Toronto Marlboros. He’ll turn 16 next month. Just in case you didn’t feel terrible about yourself enough already today.

And that wraps up another weekly edition of Dangle Days. Thanks for stopping by ya hosers. Stay Saucy, my friends.

@BarstoolJordie

 

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